A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an argument with my boyfriend yesterday and I'm wondering if people agree he did it as an excuse not to see me today.We took my daughter out for her birthday yesterday and he ended up taking photos of me when I wasn't looking, he took photos of lots of things and usually he never does. We've even been on holiday and he never took one photo. He didn't ask for me to pose he took one of me when I was pulling a bit of a funny face and I looked bad.Well after dropping off my daughter at her dad's we went to my place and he started saying how funny I looked in this photo, he was waving his phone around at arms length and I asked to see it. He told me I should look with my eyes not my hands, I've heard people saying this to children before and he was being quite cocky and just laughing at this photo.He could see I got sad about it and I asked him if I looked that bad in the flesh to which he got really angry saying it was a loaded question and no matter what he said it would be wrong. He sat there in silence then for like half an hour and I ended up saying sorry, even though I didn't really know what I'd done wrong.I asked him if he could stop being like it and he told me I'd ruined the whole day being so vain and he got his phone out and deleted every single photo of the day and I'd ruined the entire weekend. He seriously reacted in that much of a huff and I have no idea why he got so worked up. He just got up and left, he even left his set of keys for my place and said he didn't want them any more.He was supposed to be seeing me today but instead he has gone out drinking with his friends. I have no idea where or who he's with. I'm trying my best not to get angry, I can pretty much tell he's not interested in spending time with me any more as in my eyes I feel like he caused all of that just so he could go out today instead.Was it reasonable for him to get that worked up because I looked so upset by how bad I looked on a photo? I don't want to text him ranting at him but I'm finding it hard not to!How can I deal with this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2016): I didn't see your reply famale anon, I think you hit the nail on the head with your reply. I know I wouldn't have been with him for so long if there weren't really good parts about him but yes I do see some abusive behaviours in him too.Not to say I'm perfect, nobody is! I can't lay all of our problems on him but when we disagree he goes to the extreme with how he acts and blows up. Perhaps to rational people on here they would think there was an underlying reason for him to be in a mood, because no rational person would react the way he did to me having a moment of insecurity.He is insecure and he gets sad a lot, no not in a month of Sundays would I get angry if he felt bad about the way he looked one day, in fact I'd go out of my way to cheer him up. I don't quite understand the way he got because surely when you love somebody you would choose the easier option and cheer them up.When we argue the first thing he does is attack the way people look. I'm ashamed to say that I've stayed with him even after he has made nasty comments about the way everybody in my family looks. During an argument he said that my mother looked like she had down syndrome because of her eyes, she's actually incredibly attractive for her age! He said my father was ugly, my sister looked like a bear and made fun of her having ginger hair. I have a twin sister and he said she's plain and nothing special. Seeing as she is my identical twin I find it bizarre that he would tell me somebody who looks just like me isn't anything special!And I've stayed with him because he explains that when we argue he says anything that will hurt me the most. He always turns it round when I get angry at his comments saying that I'm always angry, but to say things like that would make me angry!I'm kind of glad that he gave my keys back and he's no longer interested in spending time with me, preferring to go out with his friends drinking instead. I'm glad because I'm terrible at breaking up with people, even when they aren't very nice.He has got some very good points, he's very generous and would do anything for me without me asking. He has helped me get back on my feet after losing my job and getting in debt. I'm thankful for the good things he did but his other parts of his personality have a nasty streak.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2016): Hi, thanks for the advice Wise Owl. I didn't create the title of the question, I left that blank so the site did it for me, but it does say was it reasonable for HIM to get so worked up over this.I can honestly say I wasn't that worked up about about it, I looked sad for a moment or so and came out with 'Oh God do I look that bad' and he went off on one. I get self concious sometimes, everybody has bad days and I think we all get insecure some days.I remember a while ago I said something about my appearance and my daughter heard me, she pointed out that she looked like me and I felt awful about that! so I'm careful not to say things around her.I know it's annoying when people are so wrapped up in appearances and it ruins relationships. I see older couples together who have been together for years and clearly love each other, I'm sure they don't look at each others wrinkles and think badly of each other. Everybody's looks start fading but people love them for what's inside not out.Like I say I don't get jealous and I'm very open sexually, we got really drunk once and I even took him to a strip club lol! I suggest putting porn on more than he does so I can't say I'm jealous of other people.He was very nice and loving to me when we met and then one summer he was stressed with work and he had family problems and started to behave the way he is now, being mean and going out God knows where. I split up with him over it but he persuaded me to start seeing him again. But I can see he's starting to become mean again and behaving like an asshole all over again.It is a blessing that he gave back my keys and I've not responded to his texts. I think it's for the best we go our separate ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2016): If he gave you back your keys, he did you a favor. Don't invite him back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2016): If he is mean and puts you down, then why is he still around to continue this type of behavior?
Instead of allowing such abuse to continue; you have to make a decision whether to allow it, or to put an end to it.
Advice is only good when it is taken into consideration. Many posts we receive are people venting. They don't really intend to take any particular action to remove themselves from hurtful or abusive situations. If you're venting, we understand. However; adding more to the story places a different swing on it. So, how long are you going to put up with it? From what you say, it's only getting worse.
I don't know you and I don't him. I can only address issues based on a few comments and similar posts that pretty much have a lot of common complaints. There are two-sides to every story, and both people involved deserve the benefit of the doubt. There are a lot more people who have self-image issues than you can imagine.
We're in the 21st century and we cannot allow neurosis and issues with self-esteem to prevail over our lives. We have to sometimes stand-up to bullies and realize nature and genetics is what made us. We're not always going to look our best, feel our best, or have everything we want in life.
If everyone gives in to feeling bad about how they look, what are we as adults offering kids as examples? We need more positive attitudes and need to grow thicker skins. The world is the only place we have to live; so we have to adapt to a few things that make us uncomfortable in order to survive and have some quality of life.
Maybe it's time to hand him his walking papers. Otherwise, there is no reason to complain. If you can stand to remain with him, he must not be all that bad. You asked if it was reasonable to get worked up over a photo. I still say no!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2016): Yes I agree with people saying that it's no fun having somebody constantly being down on themselves and I wish when I asked this question I added more to it.I genuinely don't put myself down all of the time and the photo he took of me I honest to god looked the worst I'd ever seen myself, I was actually taken a back at how bad it was. I didn't sit there pouting with him over it and he immediately started to get angry with me when I asked him if I looked that bad. I work nights and I'm kind of shocked at how tired I'm starting to look.A little reassurance about that would be nice especially as he keeps saying he's starting to look old, we went out for Valentines day and all he talked about was how big his stomach was starting to get. He's turning 40 soon and I'm 31, I get asked for ID still when I buy alcohol and he's said many times he feels like he looks like an old man when he takes me out.Honestly thinking about this he took an intentionally bad photo of me to make me feel bad about myself because he feels bad about himself. He has spoken to me today and he started going on about selfies I had on my phone and likes on facebook photos. I'm sorry if you've had a lot of experience with insecure women who pout and show off about being pandered to and needing constant attention but I'm really not like that Wise Owl.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2016): HiI can't believe some of the answers you've received from people on here, because I can't believe that your boyfriend behaved in such a ridiculous over the top fashion and some people think that's down to you? Even if you are sensitive about how you look and honestly who isn't? his reaction was extreme and extremely nasty.Just say that this situation was reversed. Your boyfriend is a bit sensitive about how he looks in photos or otherwise. You take a bad photo of him. Would you, in a month of Sundays start teasing him with it like he did you? Or would you just quietly delete it to save his feelings? Would you, after you'd hurt his feelings, react in such a foul manner and behave like he did to you? I seriously doubt it.Say that he DID really feel you'd ruined the day with being sensitive? He could have behaved like an adult about it and talked to you calmly or called time on the relationship if that's how he feels. It was his callousness and teasing that brought it on. Totally unnecessary. And his out of order reaction? Also totally unnecessary. Except to, as you so wisely say, set up this situation so he didn't see you today and go drinking with friends instead. You are in the situation and you can probably tell exactly what's going on. Men like him and they are called abusive by the way, set up ridiculous situations like this, so they can leave the house. Using your 'behaviour' as the excuse for an over the top reaction like his was, and then leave. It's well documented. And I can't see this situation any other way than the way you have described. I see it that way also, because however you look at it, his reaction was RIDICULOUS. Wouldn't even belong in a kindergarten. He knew it was going to upset you and he relished in upsetting you and then blamed you for being upset.Maybe you are a little sensitive in this area, I am too and certainly millions of others are, and if some people don't care about how they look in photos, they're going to be sensitive about something else. If your boyfriend cared about you, he wouldn't have shown you the photo, or he certainly wouldn't have tormented you with it in the way he did. He reminds me of my abusive father. He would verbally and emotionally prod you and keep on prodding you until he got a response and then act like you were the worst person in the world! If he didn't want a negative reaction, he wouldn't have carried on until he got one. He did want me to react negatively because he wanted to cause a fight and make me feel awful. Just like your boyfriend. Please read about abuse because I bet you will find other aspects of his behaviour in these books. You know in your gut what he's doing and why and I think you're right. I really wouldn't pay any attention to the answer you got where women are pigeon holed as regards their behaviour. You and I know what's really happening here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2016): I want to add a few things to this question that I should have said before. Two years ago we had an argument after we went to a restaurant and he said that a man sat fairly close to us had a ridiculous hair cut and he looked stupid. I ended up calling him shallow which blew up in to a big argument.
He ended up sending me a photo of myself off facebook of me looking quite bad and then one of me when we met and said I'd let myself go and I was ugly. He told me to put it as my profile photo to see how much attention I'd get then.
I took a photo of him a few weeks ago and he got in a mood about it and made me delete it. I wasn't trying to grab the phone off him he was sat there laughing about the photo and then not letting me look at the phone to see it.
I know I'm attractive WiseOwl and my body is actually quite good, I watch porn with my partner, I don't get jealous of other women and I'm very much secure in myself. Ever think that my partner was being quite mean instead of jumping to the conclusion that I always put myself down?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2016): im taking the opposite approach and saying that he went over the top in far too big a way.
He didnt need to leave the keys but he did anyway.
He didnt need to delete all the photos but he chose to anyway.
He didnt have to go out drinking with friends but he did so anyway.
He needed to be the centre of attention but he knew how to crumple all the fun like a bag of overindulged potato crisps.
If you continue as partners you will continue with this scenario so rather than picking holes in yourself , start asking yourself if you want every happy occassion to end im tears and tantrums, or do you need someone who is more consistently affectionate.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 February 2016):
 I think like Ivyblue , that the photo might have been just the catalyst, or the tip of the iceberg.
Taking your post at face value, out of a general context and with no background story , one should conclude that your bf has a very short fuse and also a nasty streak. But... a few details ( you tryng to grab the phone off his hands, your "loaded " question, your disproportionate dismay at having been caught doing a weird face.... ) would hint that this is not the first time you overreact to similar stuff, and that you have self images insecurities which may spill over into the relationship and sour the happy moments.
In this he is right, you DID spoil the happy mood and the memory of a beautiful day together by making such a big fuss over a banality like a funny pic of yours. I mean, come on, who are you ?, a Hollywood star , a royal princess, that you can't ever show yourself less tahn perefct ? ( In fact, by now , even stars and princesses have got used , or at least resigned, to having their candid snapshots circulating everywhere ).
Now, your bf's fury would still be a big over reaction- if this were the first and only incident so far. But if he already had to cope before with anything similar , due to your perfectionism, or excessive need for validation,... well, saints too can lose their patience if provoked too many times.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 February 2016):
 I think perhaps you both did. I agree it is healthy to be able to sit back and have a bit of a laugh at yourself. That is different from being made a joke of. It may of been said in jest or came across as insulting. I cant determine from a post just what degree or tone he found humorous, thats impossible I wasn't there. He brought it to your attention so I think it reasonable to want to see what the fuss was all about. Now , if you sat there and sulked or went off like a two bob watch then ok...Sure, then annoyed he should be. Ive seen some candid photos of myself and thought "holy shit, do I really look like that, an innocent remark not meant to be a Spanish inquisition. Deleting all the photos as a result is, in my opinion, childish. Saying he has no need for the keys anymore sound like this incident may have been a catalyst for some underlying relationship issues. Seems he cant understand why you over reacted and you cant understand why he over reacted- there is a whole lot of over reacting going on here and over what really? Is it really over a photo my guess it's not. My advice would be to leave him be, both cool down and take a different approach if and when the time comes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2016): I don't care what anybody else says, but this is my answer.
Yes, he had every right to be upset with you. He was having some fun and it was a day to remember a great day, and to have a few laughs together.
He was teasing you in an affectionate way; and you turned it into something mean, and he didn't mean anything in a mean-spirited way. It was all in fun. You have no sense of humor.
It is quite tiring that people are so vain and sensitive about their looks and appearance.
Sometimes we have to have a sense of humor and not take ourselves too seriously. Men are sick and tired of being turned into villains; if they don't cater and pander to unsubstantiated sensitivities and insecurities women have about their body-image and self-esteem that make absolutely no sense.
Like all men demand that women be perfect and have to look beautiful all the time. As though men only are only attracted to models, actresses, and porn stars. As if no matter how ugly fact and bald a guy is, he can get whatever his imagination conjures up. Everybody, including women, imagine having someone they'd never have a snowball's chance in hell in being with. It's only natural and human.
I'm sick of posts about porn and guys looking at pictures of women they will never get their hands on. A funny picture of someone you love is adorable and heartwarming. He thought it was cute to just see you as you were at that particular moment. It was simply for fun, and meant it in a very affectionate way.
Seriously?!!
Yes, men get sick of it. Always reassuring their wives and girlfriends that they are pretty and they don't want anybody else. Always trying to prove men don't always cheat and aren't all expecting or demanding perfection from women. Never considering all guys can't get supermodels even if they may fantasize about it. No one can control what they fantasize about. It's just that. Fantasy!!!
He wanted to see you just being yourself. Uninhibited and not in some fake pose to show how perfect you are. You pissed him off being so immature and petty. Not just this time, but many other times. One incident does not piss a guy off that much. Only if he has been through this a number of times. Sorry my dear, but sometimes enough is enough.
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