A
female
age
30-35,
*andi_addikt
writes:okay so i was a virgin...i started talking to this guy he was gorgeous..whe had known eachther for a while and decided to go out and we ended up in his room. at first just teasin the making out but then he started pulling my jeans and i dit want to but he kept on puling and i guess i let it happen........idk its like i wasnt there.kindda like out of it.spaced out. i got up shaking and left in tears.after that we continued to talk about a week more the we stopd. and evry time i see him i het panic ataks.. my question is was i raped??? or what happen ...its something thats been bothering me i cnt be my self any more. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Danii-N-Dale  +, writes (23 June 2009):
 Yes if u didnt want this u should of said really because now u have lost ur virginity to a guy that doesnt even seem to care
This must of been terrible for you although u let this happen
Just calm down get some counciling You have been raped im sory to say
Im sorry your first time had to be like this x
A
female
reader, kandi_addikt +, writes (15 June 2009):
kandi_addikt is verified as being by the original poster of the question again most of you have been very helpful and i thank you.
no im nottryingto justify anything just want to stop thinking about it and be in peace, there was no drinkin. yes i did tease but with no interest in having sex. i did say no, and asked, told him to stop, i pusshed him off butit dint work.... i guess i was sortta weak...
i gues that week afterward help me reflect on whathad happen and saw who he really was. i mean way pastthe fact that he was hott and P.I.
now that time has passt i have grown and matured and reflected. now its clear it was rape....
his friend has contacted me and asked what happen bwtn us.. i dnt say any thing and neither did W.
havent talked to neither the guy or the frend.... but i still get pannik attacks when i see W.apperently he lives near the university i go to..
sadly i cnt report any of it to the police with out mentioning to my fam.. besides being disinherited id get my family in trouble.. due to political issues
again i thank you most of you for you help.....
and for the rest you shouldnt judge people.!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): I think this might have been a questionable post and I did inform her that she needed to get back to all the aunts on here that tried to help and that we are all very concerned.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-get-my-bff-to-place.html
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female
reader, kitty_3  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 true. have you ever read The Tenth Circle by Jodie Picout? i'm in the middle of it and it somewhat reminds me of your situation. you should give it a read.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Well you've recieved excellent feedback. Good job Aunts and Uncles. You've gotten the facts. some opionion, some inside perspective, now it's up to you to decide what happened and make your move from here. If you TRUELY felt that you put up an apparent effort to stop this man, and he knowlingly continued anyway, uncaring of hurtign you, then none of us here can tell you that you didn't experience somethign traumatic. But if indeed, you are looking for a way to justify having a horrible loss of virginity, be careful about how you affect this man's future. ~SY.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Yes, precisely what i was thinking. We often are too emotionally weak to really try to get someone to stop doing something, but that is our fault, not the fault of the pursuer. As for the panick attacks, whether or not it was rape, it is normal for you to be having them. It was an experience that you regret and did not enjoy it seems, so they would harm you emotionally. But like I said before, I don't think he believes he raped you, otherwise he woulnd't continue contact with you. So in this case, I would stop talking to this man. Seek counsel if you cannot get over how you lsot your virginity, talk to a really good friend or family member, but be careful before you try to ruin this man's life. If you TRUELY feel that you put up enough of an effort to stop him though, then none of us here can tell you that you didn't experience somethign tramatic. As we were not there.. You've gotten excellent feedback.. opninon, perception, and factual information. Now it's up to you decide and make your further moves. ~SY.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): In the U.S. the law governs crimes including rape.
This is a threshold condition:
"If a person proceeds after you verbally express, or in some other unequivocal way, express your desire for the person to cease, then the law presumes that those actions (could) constitute rape."
This is where the girl's story of detailed events and physical marks take effect:
"If you report it to the police, then they determine based on the situation if sufficient probable cause exists to make an arrest. The probable cause threshold is very low in the U.S."
This is when the rape kit and other evidence begins to make a difference:
"The evidence is presented to a grand jury and if the grand jury returns a true bill, then the case will proceed to trial." Sorry, but I didn't mention this step earlier.
Here is where the determination is made whether a rape occurred:
"...a court will ultimately decide if rape occurred."
The standard of evidence in any criminal trial is very high: "beyond a reasonable doubt" which protects defendants from having their lives ruined.
Please post if you encounter a U.S. jurisdiction that does not follow this protocol which is consistent with the U.S. Constitution.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): @SincerelyYours: It's true that women often due to being emotionally weak and fear aren't able to put up too much of a protest in a real rape - but it can also happen during 'percieved' rape.
Neither is it uncommon for women to initially say 'no' and then to willingly give in to sex. Just take a look at the circumstance of the events! She was with the guy on 'his bed', 'teasing' and 'making out', says no but he continues anyway and she doesn't put up any struggle whatsoever. People have been looking at it through a one-sided lens so far, put yourselves in the shoes of the man: your making out having fun teasing with this girl, who you've managed to get on 'on your bed', seeing the opportunity you obviously try your moves on her, she says no initially and seems reluctant but then eventually eases,and this indicates to you as a form acceptance for you to go on ahead - does this not seem in any way possible? It is a highly probable scenario IMO.
The truth is she's not even sure herself, she had to come here and ask for the opinions of people wasn't even there, and only then did she say there are no doubts in her mind - if it was that clear that he was doing something against her will she would not have come here - it's possible that rape could have happened and she could be unsure but the circumstances and events the way she described doesn't lend much credibility for that.
There was just a recent question around here where a someone who gave her virginity to someone willingly felt as though she was abused even though she understood it was consensual.
I'm not at all saying that rape did not happen, but the opposite could very well be true and that given what she has said so far it most probably doesn't seem like rape occurred. It was most probably a misunderstanding on both their parts, she thought it was rape but couldn't object strongly enough, he thought it was consensual as she allowed him to do so.
I understand the law very well, and the truth is that many men are indeed falsely accused and have had their lives ruined by it. Unfortunately the society we live in don't accomodate too well to those who were even 'falsely' let alone real rapists - the evidence is right in the answers here, people telling her to go to the police without a second thought for the consequences of what the man may go through if it it could be false. It's very hard for the accused to defend in these kind of scenarios. Men have been put in jail due to false allegations for years until they are acquitted of all charges due to new information such as unreliability of the testimonies made by the accuser - years taken away from a person's life because of an immature young girl.
Another man's life isn't something to be taken lightly. She needs to think really hard and play things over and over in her head and be absolutely sure before she reports anything to the police at all that it was indeed rape. Could the scenario that I have described above be also true?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): If it was truly a rape then you need to file a report with the police and have them take action and have the courts determine if that man is guilty.
However, if you willingly took part in the sex and didn't actually protest and just are trying to cover your guilt then you need to be very careful of that, as that is an action to ruin the life of that man and is just as bad as a person raping you.
I would imagine that if you report it to the police that they would have you have discussions with a counselor about your experience.
Make sure you are clear in your own mind what actually happened and how your current feelings are affecting your thinking and then take the appropriate action.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): I am afraid you got some inaccurate information from some of the commenters.Let's get this straight. In the U.S. the law determines what is, and what is not rape. The opinions or personal definitions of 20+ commenters may give you something to think about, but those opinions do not supersede the law.PEBBLE and a few others gave you a fairly good expression of law in the U.S. If a person proceeds after you verbally express, or in some other unequivocal way, express your desire for the person to cease, then the law presumes that those actions constitute rape. If you report it to the police, then they determine based on the situation if sufficient probable cause exists to make an arrest. The probable cause threshold is very low in the U.S. After arrest a court will ultimately decide if rape occurred.This may seem too cut-and-dried for some commenters, but most times the law is just that clear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): Well that happens.. often women will say "no" but they are too weak (emotionally) or scared to make any further effort. They're doing something they don't want to be doing, but for some reason can't put a stop to it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): Again, there doesn't seem to be any conclusive evidence of any intent of rape here - unless you were very stern and made it absolutely clear to him that you didn't want to go through with it.
As I said before, destroying a man's life with false allegations of rape is a serious matter. Too many times men have been sent to jail because 'girls' can't tell apart their feelings of what happened from objective reality.
Next time you need to be careful about giving out the wrong signals and be more assertive when you say no.
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female
reader, kandi_addikt +, writes (13 June 2009):
kandi_addikt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay omg this has so confirm my doubts... no there was no drinkin. n yess i said no and told him to stop but he wouldnt .... i just feel guilty i could of done something to make him stop...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): To the first anon poster, you do not have to be drunk or drugged for it to be considered rape.
I agree with JustAGirl's post, I would say from the information you provided, this isn't rape, as I'm assuming you didn't tell him no, but your body language should have told him otherwise. I don't think it was his intention to rape you, he just wanted some fun.
If you did tell him you didn't want to, and he carried on, then YES it is rape and you need to tell someone straight away.
I'm also sorry this is how your first time had to be, but If you're in a position like this again, make it clear to the other guy how far you're comfortable with going.
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female
reader, pebble +, writes (13 June 2009):
 If you DIDN'T make clear to him that you did not want to have sex (i.e didn't say "no", "I don't want to" etc...), then he DIDN'T rape you.
You can't just accuse people of rape just because you didn't want to have sex. If you didn't want to do it then you should have made that clear.
If you did make it clear in words, the yes he raped you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): Let's not talk about rape here, what happened was normal male/female interaction. Think of it from his point of view:
1. They both ended up in his room
2. They were both teasing and making out
Any sane and normal man in his position would have made a move that's the obvious thing to do. She didn't say that she told him to stop, she just went silent - which is actually something a lot of women do wen they fear to protest.
This is a misunderstanding on her part. It clearly isn't rape. You're talking about destroying a man's life here due to misunderstandings? Do some women really expect men to read their minds?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): you were raped. But i dont understand why you would continue talking to a guy who you think raped you. But you should really get tested for stds and reflect on yourself to see why you would talk to someone who raped you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): Oh.. also you said you continued to talk to him and see him.. if he really felt he was raping you, or had a reason to believe he was, I certain he wouldn't be calling you and seeing you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): Yes.. there would be rapes all over the place if peopel made accusations becuase they didn't technically say "yes."
Did he say "yes?" Did you ask him if he wanted to? Because if not, then you've raped HIM.
I guess you see out point.
Rape is a very very serious thing and can get people in a lot of trouble and very seriously agonize people. It's not somethign to be taken lightly, or to be claimed if not true.
~SY.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): If he did it against your expressed will it was rape. An expression of will is if you said "No" or "Stop" even once.
Even if you have had sex for 90 minutes and he is about to ejaculate, even if you then say "No" and he doesn't stop, it is rape.
Now practically speaking, you would have a difficult time proving it now so many days later. There is no evidence, just your words against his words.
If you didn't command him to stop, it wouldn't matter anyway, no matter how much physical evidence you had.
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female
reader, PHUCKET +, writes (13 June 2009):
 Maybe you secretly wanted it but not in that way. That doesn't make it okay, but it creates the confusion and guilt in your head about whether you made it happen or if it was rape.
Sometimes, under pressure, we do things that we don't want to do. In terms of sex, it should be a clear mutual agreement between both parties. Just because you didn't scream, yell, bite, or perform some other dramatic act, doesnt' mean you allowed it to happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): "Even if you didn't say no, if you didn't say yes then yes it's rape."
Perhaps it would be best to get a yes in writing, signed and witnessed and notarized by 2 people. LOL I have had sex with 5 women in my life. I actually asked one of them if she wanted to go to bed. With the other 4, it just progressed. OH dear, I've raped 4 women. I'm devastated. Funny, none of them ever protested. I wonder if they knew they were raped. Oh my, I never asked any of them the next dozen of so times that we had sex either. Does that mean that I repeatedly raped them?
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female
reader, kitty_3 +, writes (12 June 2009):
if you didn't try t stop him or say no, then i'm pretty sure it's not rape
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): No, you were not raped, you allowed yourself to be in a situation, you allowed it to happen, you did not say no. You have to take responsibility for your actions, don't blame others for them. Take better control of your life in future, if you're prone to doing things you later regret.
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female
reader, just_a_girl_28 +, writes (12 June 2009):
 I really don't think that you were raped. You were just put in a uncomfortable situation not knowing how to get out of it which made you just let it happen. You really can't blame the guy, he was just being one trying to get "some" and since you allowed it, it is was considered sex and nothing more.
What you are feeling right now is just regret. Im sure you wish that you hadn't done what you did or at least wish you had handled the situation differently. But now it happened and there isn't much you can do. Just try and move on and although you most likely will never forget it, just think of it as a learning experienced. You now know what "teasing and making out" can lead to something more. So if you don't plan on going any further than just kissing don't put your self in a situation that can make that happen.
I hope this helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): Even if you didn't say no, if you didn't say yes then yes it's rape. Either way, I think you need to talk to someone about it, like a close friend or family member. Just remember that no matter what it is NOT your fault, and it's normal to feel this way. Check out this website for more information. There's a rape hotline number you can call for moral support as well, just don't give your name if you don't want it reported for you.
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female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (12 June 2009):
 The lines tend to get blurred with scenarios like this one, but to me, you were raped. Sex, to me, is when both people want to do it - you said yourself that he started pulling off your jeans and you didn't want to.
I'd talk to your mom or a trusted adult about what happened. You need to get it out into the open.
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female
reader, we-are-nowhere  +, writes (12 June 2009):
 and i'm sorry your first time had to be like that .
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female
reader, we-are-nowhere +, writes (12 June 2009):
im sorry bt your question lacks detials , he pulled down you pants and u didnt want to , did u protet ? did u say no ! at all !! before you spaced out ?? did say you say anything during ?? , a no is a no so if u did say NO STOP and he didnt then yea that is an offence
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): It doesn't sound like you cried out to him to stop. It sounds like you were drunk and didn't control yourself properly. I think you should accept it as sex and be more careful how much you drink next time and with whome you drink it. Maybe you weren't drunk, but I don't know what else would make it seem like you weren't there. So PLEASE correct me if i'm wrong because i don't want to be offensive. But the information you provided isn't exactly enough to determine. If you told him "no" and he did it anyway and you tried to fight him off then it was. Or even if you jsut said "no," but i think if you're going to say "no" you should also make an effort to stop it.
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female
reader, Smellyellie +, writes (12 June 2009):
 To be honest it dosent sound that you have been raped but it does sound like this boy has taken advantage of you big time!!It can only be classed as rape if you did not give your consent for him to do the things to you and by what you have wrote I take it you didnt try to resisit??? You were obviously very nervous about losing your virginity and afterwards panicked about what you had done and what people would see you like. The thing is with this boy you have got to forget about him and make sure the next time you have sex that you are ready and that you are comfortable with what is going to happen too you..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): Unless you were drunk/drugged it wasn't rape. Maybe peer pressure, but you could have left, or you could have avoided getting into that situation to begin with.Shaking and tears are normal after losing your virginity. It's a huge emotional experience on top of throwing your body into shock.
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