A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's ex lives in a different state and, until recently, didn't know he was in a relationship.Long story short, I finally told him that some of the replies she leaves on his FB (things such as winky faces, invites) are inappropriate. He never responded to them, but I just didn't think it was ok and it didn't make me feel too good. She is an ex! He then messaged her, told her he was in a relationship and her messages "got him in trouble", and she apologized...Was I being too sensitive? Or was I right to mention it? Am I too jealous? Now I feel like a b****...
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 I think that you were right to voice your concerns. Good for you OP. You stood up for yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): No, you were right on target. Nip-it in the bud! At first she didn't know; once she did, she should back-off. Your boyfriend handled it like a real man. He cares. He put up a boundary. He explained to her that it was for you, and it matters to him how you feel. Your feelings come first.
Let me give everyone some advice in this area.
It's up to your partner with the ex to take it upon themselves to set the tone and boundaries for any re-connection with exes. I have nothing to do with my ex. If he happens to cross my path, I'd be cordial but distant. My boyfriend hates all his exes; so no worries in this area for me. It matters to me how he feels when I am around someone I used to f*ck! I have that much love and respect for my partner. He shouldn't be placed in the position to intervene.
If you're in a relationship, your present partner should not feel uncomfortable about the interaction between you and an ex. If you have unfinished business, you shouldn't have initiated a new relationship until the past one was ended for good. You should not go overboard with affection; and having private conversations or messaging to an ex. It's inconsiderate, inappropriate, disrespectful, and it's psychological cheating.
Your ex is no longer your priority. Your present significant-other can only base their trust on your behavior with your ex. If it's over the top and too intense, they should insist it stops; or leave you.
The person you are presently committed to, deserves proof of your faithfulness, and demonstration of your loyalty. Trust is earned. If you want it, then earn it!
Friendships and romantic-relationships are different emotional-connections or bonds between people. They should not be in conflict or have blurred-lines. If there is distrust or conflict, something is wrong. You should be concerned about that. If your present has spoken to you about it, it should only be once. If you don't listen, and your present is stupid enough to stick around; you both like drama. Most likely, you're probably still boinking your ex, if you totally ignore your partner's feelings.
The trust of your partner, and their feelings, should be very important to you.
If you're annoyed by what you might consider bold-face jealousy or childish insecurity; it'll only be throwing gasoline on the fire by continuing too much interaction with someone you broke-up with. Or you've made another lousy match, with someone too insecure around everyone.
Let alone your ex. Exes are a legitimate threat, if your behavior tells on you. Women see through each other, men are slow in this area. Women have natural intuition. Men are quicker to dump you, if you show too much concern about an ex. Women linger too long. They don't give-up so quickly.
Is it worth the trouble? Why bother to commit to someone else? Date your ex! It only alarms your present, when the ex gets more than their share of attention. If you can't see the difference; you're either stupid, or thinking with your genitals. Exes get pleasure from knowing they can destabilize your new relationship. They are jealous too!
They sabotage in subtle ways, playing mind-games with your new lover. Hoping it will fail like theirs did.
If exes are friends, they should stay safely within the friend-zone. No inappropriate touching, kissing, or intimacy of any kind. Not if you love the one you're with.
Check your behavior, and your present will have fewer insecurities or complaints. Your ex should respect your present; even if they don't like them. You should insist on it regardless. They are there by your invitation. The present should not be naive. If the trust is there, you've earned it. Don't ruin it, or take it for granted.
If you have checked yourself, and they still don't trust you. Then it's their problem. Dump the insecure pain in the ass. They brought it on themselves. Just because you're in a new relationship, exes don't just disappear off the face of the earth. You both have histories with other people.
Those pasts shouldn't collide with the present. They should connect without strife. Your present doesn't have to like your ex. Why should you care so much for an ex in the first place? I liken rekindling friendship with an ex, to puppies who eat their own poop. You're done with it, it's best left behind. Say hi, now and then. Exchange pleasantries, and be on your way.
Relationships are built on trust. Keep your exes in their proper places; and you'll maintain peace and harmony within the new relationship you've replaced the old one with.
Show this to your partners who don't seem to get it. I had a relationship that lasted 28 years. He died of cancer. The present relationship just hit the three-year mark. I know what I'm talking about.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 Hi,
i believe you did the right thing and i'm assuming here, this is what most people would do under the same circumstances.
Hypothetically speaking, you must also remember that, you cannot stop, nor force, (by way of verbal expresssion), your bf to cease all conversation with any of his exs.
If this is what he wants, "chooses" to do and enjoys doing and you aren't at all happy with this, then you let him know.
If things got really out of hand, then you decide whether you stay or leave.
His ex was simply flirting with him, bec she had no idea that he was now dating you.
Her flirting does however, indicate that she is still somewhat attracted to him, even before she found out about you, so keep this in mind.
I guess once she became aware though, she'd not have bothered your bf again, UNLESS, either of them still wished to remain in contact, or didn't quite get the msg loud and clear.
Your bf didn't need to let her know that, HER msgs, "got him in trouble". That's very silly of him.
I don't know how long you guys have been together, but most people who are serious about one another and are committed to their relationship, wouldn't even pay any lip service to such infantile comments/behaviours.
The only real trouble he'll get into, is if he continues to chat with her!
Remember, if your bf is fully committed to you and to your relationship, he won't do anything at all, to hurt you or your relationship, it's that simple.
All the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): You definitely did the right thing if you are uncomfortable with something it's always best to communicate with your boyfriend
I wouldn't care if anyone thought I was irrational if that's how I feel then my fiancé will know, I wouldn't like fiancés ex commenting either, it's weird
Your boyfriend did the right thing by telling her, she won't do that again :)
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 May 2016):
 You did the right thing.
You should have the freedom and the space to say whatever makes you uncomfortable because that's what a healthy relationship is all about.
What would have bothered me more is the fact that you had to ask him to tell the ex to stop. Isn't this something your boyfriend should have done himself without your intervention? And there was no need for him to give his ex the kind of importance that he did, by telling her that her messages got him into trouble with you. That just means, "Oh I'm fine with you but my girlfriend's insecure, so..."
He should have simply said that he's in a relationship now and its best if they limit their contact. That would have sent her the message.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 May 2016):
 Were you wrong to tell him it bothered you? No.
He is dating you and SHOULD be concerned with how you feel. Does it mean he CAN'T talk to exes? No. He can as long as it done with YOU in mind.
Now your BF didn't REALLY do anything wrong per se. He didn't respond to her "emoticon messages" - most likely his way of "telling her" (without "hurting her feelings") that he wasn't game any more. He SHOULD have nipped in the bud the FIRST message. Obviously he didn't. BUT when you DID bring it up he realized he should, so he told her he was dating someone else.
Now the ONLY thing that makes me a little mad on your behalf - is that he is making YOU out to be the "bad guy" here. I don't think ANYONE is. Yes, he should have told her after the first message, but probably thought she would GET the hint to stop when he didn't respond. SHE didn't know he was dating someone new either, so she didn't do it out of malice either.
YES YES YES you did the right thing. Something HE was "allowing" was bothering you. You spoke up. Now put the issue to "bed". It's no longer an issue. He told her, she stopped. TOPIC closed. Move on.
Don't beat yourself up. After all HOW do think it could have been resolved if YOU hadn't spoken up?
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