A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship,three years. my boyfriend's family hates me, no overplay on the word, hate; believe me, I wish I was. His sisters bully me at every opportunity they get. BTW, I am not young, I am in my 50's. I have no family other than my father who is in his 80's and he has cancer, I have no siblings, no children, just him, My mom passed away five years ago. I decided I wanted to send my boyfriend's mom flowers for Mother's day, just as a friendly gesture. I decided not to have them delivered close to the day to avoid drama, had them delivered yesterday, Wednesday. You would think I committed a crime. Getting nasty emails from his sisters, his mother never acknowledged them, and nothing from my boyfriend, but he works afternoon/midnight shift. The big thing I am being told is I am not family, am an outsider, and I did something only family should do. When I am around his family they treat me like I am a second class citizen or ignore me. Was I wrong in sending his mom flowers? Thanks for letting me vent.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2015):
 You have to DO what's RIGHT for you and you certainly can't live around a guy trying to please his family.
I honestly think you are better off WITHOUT all the drama that comes with this guy.
Good luck and CHIN UP!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to thank everyone one again for taking the time and giving your opinion over the flower fiasco last week.
An update, the family had a Mother's day get together and I was not included. NBD. I assume because my BF had to work yesterday, but then again you know what they say when you assume something. He did go to the parent's home when he got off work.
I honestly believe it is time to close this chapter and move forward. Good bye negativity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey say good things happen when you distance yourself from negativity. I believe it is time to find out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom what I understand the former fiancé did have some issues with his family but not quite as bad as me. Toward the end she did not attend any family functions. I have been putting together parts of the puzzle and I believe they grew apart. He had no children with her, but, she had kids from previous marriage.
Sister shops HSN and QVC. No gambling that I am aware of, she will not go near a casino.
Couple of times he talked about moving to another for his job, but, not selling the house. Leaving it for his sisters.
Believe me I have tried many times to get him to explain our so called future. Nothing. I get these lame remarks that he is not going anywhere.
Yes, when I have stated that he has to tell his family is intentions toward me he says that should know. You have no idea how mad that makes me.
I have yet to hear when I am to attend this so called meeting. As I stated earlier I feel this is throw me under the bus, or how far can we push her before she runs. Me against his family is a no win.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 May 2015):
 When talking finances/money I would not trust anything the bully sister has to say. She was able to buy a new car. She is driven to work two jobs. and yet she lives a rent free existence. Gee she's really sewn up everyone.
Better be certain she's never permited to run the finances of either parent.
However Why does she needed to be cossetted and protected so much financially?
Does she have an online shopping addiction?
Is she exceptionally greedy?
Or worse... Does she perhaps have an online gambling addiction?
A person does not need to go to a casino or a racetrack to gamble.
They can play online and their addiction can be just as bad.
It can lead to permanent ''borrowing'' (stealing) from family, friends, employers, or from funds of a group they are part of, to feed their addiction.
Alternatively the sister could be so greedy and selfish that she's in a better financial position than she wants to reveal, but she's insecure enough to think she always needs a bit more money. So sponging off anyone allows her to accumulate more.
The family have accomodated her every insecurity for so long, thus I think it is the family who need to want some change.
But I don't think the family are ready for change yet as no one has the courage to call the bluff of the sister for what it is.
Least of all your guy. No it is not obvious unless he stands up to be counted and comes out standing in your corner.
He could do that by selling up his home and moving to where you live and start living a life where he's not mopping up/providing for his manippulative sister.
If a guy professes to love and care for a girl and has been dating her for a two years and has not been able to give more than vague promises 'yes, we have a future together' then I'd be out of there.
In your case you've endured THREE Years. That is way too long for him to have not made up his mind.
A guy who knows that he's met the one is usually on the road to certainty after 3 months to 12 months duration in a relationship.
He's older and settled so he doesn't have the same financial constraints as a 20 year old.
If there is no firm arrangements in place to move in together or arrangements made to move towards setting a marriage date after 18 to 24 months then the chances start to get slimmer of anything happening after that.
A guy in love Wants the world to know how much he cares about the woman.
A guy in love wants to put his lady first.
A guy in love keeps uppermost in his mind what he needs to do to make his lady happy.
And worse you have endured all manner of verbal and psychological abuse from the sister's manipulations.
Yet your guy seems resigned to asking you to ignore the rubbish and claims everyone will 'know' his mind and his intentions even if he says nothing about his commitment to you?
No, he's in denial at the level of pain you are suffering. And which the previous fiancee no doubt suffered.
He didn't find the courage with his previous financee and he's not finding the courage after three years with you to stand up to his sister?
See what the father and mother have to say at the meeting, if you want to attend. But my guess is that this family, none of them, have the courage to admit that all is not right with the bully sister. Blaming you is easier.
In the circumstances I think I'd be getting out the running shoes too.
Unless your Fiance comes out strongly for you and makes it very clear that he and you are, together, a strong united team of two. Where he comes out and says he has a and commitment to becoming a permanent relationship with you (and names a date/not a vague....when? , and declares this to everyone in your presence, at that meeting then the bully sister's lies, manipulation, lies and probably tears from her as well will likely dominate the meeting.
The family need to stop placating the bully sister, but I don't think they have the courage to do that. Not individually nor collectively.
Thus your fear that you will be the focus as the alleged 'disruptive' force that is 'upsetting' the bully will be the view that prevails just due to the forceful way the bully sister behaves and succeeds in intimidating them to do what she wants.
The only hope is if your fiancee can see the light. Fingers crossed for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2015):
 I don't think you want to set time limits quite yet. A year isn't that long. If you were at, say, a 3 year mark, that would be different.
You are making progress. You're winning over the mom. His brother and SIL you're winning over. You're starting to win his friends. The fact that you're exerting positive influence over HIM is why his sister is flipping out and trying to bully you and enlisting the other sister to try to get at you.
Your thing isn't to set a mark. It's to find out whether or not your boyfriend WANTS OUT of the dysfunction. If he's your age, that's not going to be easy, because he's set in his ways. Getting him away from the situation for an extended amount of time may open his eyes to a new reality.
However, what happened to his former fiance, the one his sister also hated?? Why didn't he marry her?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 May 2015):
 This: "I agree that we need to get engaged or move in together, something, but that will not happen..." is like finding your house on fire, then seeing a bucket with SOME liquid in it (unbeknownst to you, it's gasoline!)... and deciding to throw that liquid on the fire, believing it will put out the fire.....
"Engaged", and/or "move in together" will do NOTHING to improve matters.... but WILL suck you further in to this dysfunctional lot that B/F calls a "family."
I'd run so fast from this situation that my eyes would water.
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW... you are right. His brother made the comment to me this past January that sister does have to move out but who would want to take her. Now I understand.
I really like his parents. I know his dad is trying but I just don't see anything changing.
I agree that we need to get engaged or move in together, something, but that will not happen. Our anniversary is July 22, if there are no changes I am done. He has no idea I set a time limit, but I feel I have been bullied long enough. And, tired of hearing yes we have a future end of conversation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are 100% correct, after 7 years her debits should be gone. She did buy a new car last May. Can’t get a loan with bad credit.
Being the long distance girlfriend was ok at first, since I do things for my dad, who is ill, and with my BF working 3 weeks straight to have a weekend off it seemed to work for us, but I do want more.
This past year with him we have done allot of weekend trips and he has said he never did things like that before. We have been talking about going on taking a vacation together but our work schedules is an issue.
Yes, sister does have a job. In fact two. She has a full time and part time job. Combined she states she makes $18 an hour; she does have benefits.
His other sister feeds off the one that lives with him. The nastier she gets she does the same. The one that does not live with him has the daughter that I swear he acts like she is his. She wants for nothing.
His brother and sister in law do like me. In fact his sister in law teases me all the time that we are like Deborah and Amy from Everyone Loves Raymond. The 4 of us went away January for a weekend, it was a Christmas gift from brother and sister in law.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2015):
It is not YOU against the family. You won't get "creamed". The dad is trying to be peacemaker. Relax and don't accept the "rude" crap. Be nice to the dad as well. As for the sister, I think you overestimate how many people consider the sister's side in all of this. The dad is going to try to find a way to avoid again, placate the sister, but keep the brother (your boyfriend) still holding the caregiver/enabler bag.
They are afraid you will exert pressure by your very presence, causing your BF to not WANT this way of life he's in anymore, thus removing his sister from his care. Then where would she go? No one else wants her! They'd rather pressure YOU than have to deal with their pain in the ass bully shopaholic sister anymore. That's it, isn't it? If your boyfriend starts wanting a life with you, and HE sends her out, where would she go?? All you had to say was "He's very family first" and I pegged a guilt machine through and through. He's guilted and manipulated into his role by not only the sister herself, but everyone else who does NOT want to have to deal with her. Trust me, if she treats YOU like this, she treats her own family much worse. That's why his best friend told you that engagement/marriage is what's needed, because that would FORCE the change.
But your boyfriend must grow a pair. He's done his part for the family and then some, but they will always bully HIM into believing he owes them. If not the sister directly, then the parents because the sister would become THEIR problem if the brother stood up for himself.
They have all been covering for that sister way too long. Really dysfunctional.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2015):
Yeah, it's pretty clear now what's what. You're not hated by the whole family. It's been that sister all along, and she's been feeding into her other sister, and that's the root of it. 7 years of sponging off of her brother?? Hell, you live in the US! Depending on which state you live in, the debt statute of limitations has most likely expired on 100% of all of the the debt she had 7 years ago when she moved into her brother's house, and student loans or tax liens would have been close to done anyways, and there are remedies for both.
For her to STILL be in debt means that her brother, her sister, and her family have all been enabling her just like they would an alcoholic or drug abuser. Her sister (and most likely her brother) are co-dependents, which is why your boyfriend's advice to you was to ignore, and why a year later, nothing has changed. That family has turned in on itself and enabled that addict sister for far too long.
You being a long distance girlfriend with no change (a "future"??) doesn't bode well for you. Your boyfriend isn't "family first". He's the co-dependent, getting his emotional needs met by the appreciation of his family for harboring the addict sister, and the addict sister deceives him by pretending her fear at the threat of facing her life is mere "protection" of him against "outsiders". She has the sister roped in, which I'm sure that if you isolated that one sister away from the other, and especially winning the mom over, this sister is going to get more desperate, act out, and most likely lie to try to get you gone. You are the threat, not the outsider.
She's worried that you being in her brother's life will cause him to desire to GET MENTALLY HEALTHY, meaning he'll want normal things in his life, and no longer need to care for her. Your positive presence will cause him to question why he's let his sister isolate him for all these years, cutting him out on really living. Also, if she is a shopaholic, I wonder if she's spending his money, opening his credit or his mom's, and you entering in may cause you to see things financially that the sister has been doing to feed her addiction. Has her brother run credit reports? His house is paid for, but has his sister forged credit cards, home equity loans, and the like? You getting closer means he'll have a need to assess his financial health whereas now, he has no need to.
So I wonder if she works, living with him for 7 years. I wonder how much her mom supports her financially. Since the sister has a forceful and bullying personality, and her brother (your BF) has already adopted a position of avoiding her, how much has she gotten her way with the family avoiding her? Now, you're feeling that pressure. Do not avoid her like the family has done.
I wish I could tell you that things will turn out alright, but given you live 90 minutes away and there are no plans to live together or marry or what have you, I am not optimistic about your future. Not because of the sister, but because your boyfriend is too enmeshed in the codependence and addictive nature of his sister. He has no impetus to get out. He had a long-term fiance, and rather than change things, he just let that woman go. He has a problem mentally as well, and I don't think you will be the one to break him out of this trap. You *CAN'T* be the one. If his sister were an alcoholic, I'd recommend family programs like al-anon.
At the very least, are the two of you able to take a long vacation together, AWAY from his family and AWAY from that area?? Find out if he's actually willing to define this "future" with you, and if he's willing to push addict sister out of this house and out of his influence, which would be good for her anyways. See, THIS is what she is afraid of from you. His best friend is on your side. His mom is on your side. His sister-in-law is on your side. Does he have a brother (since you said he has a sister-in-law)? I'm thinking his brother may be on your side. It's all his sister, and the rest of the family in its AVOIDANCE is humoring her by going along, as evidenced by her other sister.
Keep being kind to the mom. As for the OTHER sister (the one not living with him), be nice to her. Isolate her from the addict sister, who is the root of every problem you're having.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am glad his Mom called also. I hope that meant she understood I was trying to do something nice.
The sister is one nasty lady. When she is around I can feel myself getting tense. When I am around his family I started to only speak when I am spoken to, Now I am being told I am rude and ignorant. I can’t win.
You are right, she gets the family going and they all support her. I am the new one, outsiders not welcome.
I have blocked the sisters. You are right, when I have tried to explain they turn my words around or bring up things that happened years ago.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): Run Run away as fast as you can.It will never change.His sisters will always treat you like dirt and you know it.It is not worth it at all.Unless your boyfriend grows a set and stands up for you you need to say goodbye.If you stay you will start dreading him every time you see him because sister will always get in the way.She will never really leave and if she does she will always come back because she is a loser and he an enabler.You will start to get a pit in your stomach every time you have to see his family.It is not worth it you are still fairly young go find a man who will always put you and your needs first...you deserve that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 May 2015):
I'm glad the mom called and thanked you. That means She understood your gesture as a nice one.
As for the sister? Whew! she sounds like someone who has so many issues and someone who refuses to take responsibility for her own actions.
I think the sister dislikes YOU and targets you, to keep the attentions OFF herself. It would be easier if the whole family pays attention and dislike you, THAN her (according to her).
If the sisters keep sending nasty e-mails IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. Don't try and explain things to them, YOU DO NOT owe them an explanation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Boy you have hit things right on the money with his sister. The sister in law tells me all the time that his sister is selfish.
She stands back and gets the family “fired up” over me and the sister in law. I was told that his father wants a meeting with me, sisters, and parents to work things out. I told my boyfriend this is just another ploy to throw me under the bus. Me against his family, I am going to get creamed. He said he will be there with me, did not say he would support me.
I even suggested to my BF that maybe if he told his family that I am in his life and we are planning a life together things might improve. He told me he does not have to say anything that they can see I am around. That hurt.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 May 2015):
The sister has 'issues' a Shopaholic, a bully, and cannot manage her finances. I bet she has no friends either. Seven years is long enough to get out of debt. In fact more than enough time. So I am going to add selfish into the mix as well for his sister.
You can bet she would not want to ever be confronted with all her issues. '
As I said before. Beware of this sister as she could turn in a second to accuse you of what she is guilty of. What a horror of a sister.
A lot depends on how much inner gumption your man has. Because even building support with his mother will mean nothing if your man will not stand up and be counted in the face of his sister's actions and lies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSister lives with him because she was so far in debt. Could not pay any of her bills; she is a shopaholic. He offered for her to live with him, not pay rent to help her get out of the mess she was in. That was 7 years ago. Recently his sister in law made the comment that she should have allot of money stashed since she has been living there for so long. There was no response.
BTW last night his Mother called, left a 10 second message thanking me for the flowers.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2015):
It's obvious. You are a threat to the live-in sister, and that is the root of your problem. When you first appeared, you weren't yet the threat.
Why does she live with her brother? What is the story there? Why isn't she on her own if she is your age? Why isn't she married or have kids? I wonder if in the past he made the comment that if he gets married, he only wants to live with his wife, hence her being a third wheel.
You aren't engaged to the sister. Be nice to his mom, and don't put up with his sisters' meanness. You're accepted by your boyfriend, and that's all you need. Your boyfriend needs to tell the sister to back off or move out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo each of you who took time and gave your opinion I greatly appreciate. I have never been treated so nasty and I did not know what to do.
Again, thanks so much to each of you. Thanks and have an awesome evening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBelieve it or not when I first met the family I was welcomed with open arms. When they realized I was not going anywhere that is when the bullying started.
I kind of thought in the back of my mind it had to do with his money and home, but then I thought who would be that selfish not to want someone to be happy.
His best friend told me months ago that the only way to have the sisters back off is if we got engaged or married, and I don't seeing that happen.
BTW the sisters told me numerous times that I am not family, I am an outsider, and I do not belong near them.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 May 2015):
Ahh...that makes things a lot clearer. Believe it or not, this *IS* a fight over resources. You are the competition for their mom's affections, AND you're the competition for their brother's affections and resources.
If you weren't in the picture and their brother died, the "paid-for" house would go to them. The sister would be displaced if you were to marry him most likely, so she has a vested interest in running you out of your boyfriend's life.
Stay nice as gold with his mom. It's BECAUSE you did the right thing with his mom that has his sisters (I'm guessing especially the live-in sister is the ONE who is giving you the biggest problem...like I said, it's always ONE person who's at the center) upset at you.
Your mom has shown approval of you in saying that she's glad her son is with you. Your boyfriend does sound like he's a bit of a drip when it comes to confrontation, but you need to not put up with snide comments when they try it in front of you.
Question - when you were TOLD you were an outsider, did they tell you this directly, or was that THROUGH someone? Did your boyfriend say that the sisters said that, or did the sisters tell you directly? If your boyfriend said this to you, tell him not to relay their ugliness anymore.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 May 2015):
You are worth far more than this. The treatment he is allowing to occur, to you, is utterly unacceptable.He is far too tied to his mother and sister. Sounds like his sister C O N T R O L S all she touches. He is possibly intimidated by his sister. For years he's been just one more intimidated victim of his bully of a sister.If he cannot stand up to the tantrums of his sister then you'd best be out of there.He has his own home?So his sister probably resents ever losing her position as chief runner of his home. Of course her position would change if a girlfriend, fiancee or , heaven forbid, an actual W I F E ever entered the equation.While she is obviously a manipulative childish pain, he by contrast, is happy to allow her to rule the roost. And he does not want to set her off.He knows what his sister is.He knows his sister pushed his fiancee away.He knows his sister and his ''follow the leader'' family are used to kow-towing to what the controlling sister wants. His sister wants him to remain a bachelor.I suspect the fiancee may have been of the age where she could have had children.That would have made her a major threat to the controlling sister.No wonder your guy dare not set any dates for marriage or moving in with him or anything more permanent than you have now.That poor fiancee. She must have endured hell with the nasty controlling bullying sister, and was probably made to feel like a second class citizen.If your Guy cannot find the gumption to stand up to his sister then sadly you will remain (most unjustly) just a friend.You can find a stronger more loyal and loving guy who will want the best for you and who will put you first.No matter what the alleged ''promise'' your guy appears to present, the truth is that he is not putting you first.Instead he is ever mindful of what his sister wants and demands and expects.It is a recipe for disaster which would undermine any relationship UNTIL your guy finds the inner strength to stand up to his nasty controlling sister.Standing up to is bully is possible, but it is not easy. Often a bully has been a bully, using tantrums, manipulation and lies to get their own way. Any thing is acceptable to a bully as long as it results in them getting their own way. They have no scruples about hurting others as they are so insecure and need to control every last detail in order to protect their position.I do not envy you, in having to be undermined by this woman.And trying to confront a bully when all around you are weakly sitting on their hands, out of fear of the repercussions from the bully, is a thankless task. The bully is just as likely to try to turn the tables and claim that you are the nasty one. When this is not true. You have more to fear from weak people than strong people.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 May 2015):
That little voice that's nagging me from the back of my mind is asking: "WHAT KIND OF "BOYFRIEND" IS THIS, .... THAT WOULD ALLOW HIS FAMILY TO INTERACT WITH YOU - HIS GIRLFRIEND - IN THIS MANNER...."
Don't "put this" on HIS family.... direct it to HIM!!!!
If'n he sez something like, "Well, that's just the way they are... and you - and I - have to learn to accept it"... THEN you know that he's not really "on your team" after all...
Go with that.... and see what happens...
P.S. Sending flowers to his Mother in an attempt to close the rift was a delightful thing to do. Their re-buff really "tells you" volumes about this "family".....
Good luck...
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 May 2015):
 All this bad behavior just begs the question, Why are with this guy? Sounds like you will always come second to any family member. I just wouldn't settle for that, nope, nada, no way. Lives with his sister? Really?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was married once before, no children. After my divorce I was in a LTR and he died six years ago from leukemia. My boyfriend has never been married. Has no children, but was engaged for long time before the relationship ended. His sister hate the fiancé more than they dislike me if possible. In fact the one actually packed the boxes to move her out.He is very family first. He tells me to ignore how I am being treated, things will get better. That was a year ago, things have not improved. He was alone almost seven years before he met me. He dated once in a while but nothing serious. His mother has health issues. Her personality changes like the wind. She told me that she was happy he found someone before she dies. LoL I bet she outlives me. He has one sister that has lived with him since the fiancé moved out. When I am around she stomps her feet, slams doors, and calls me names. BTW she is 52.The other sister has a nine year old daughter. He treats this child like she is his own.I told him weeks ago that I was planning on sending his mother flowers. He thought it was a good idea. He keeps telling me we have a future, whatever that means. Can’t live together because of his sister, and, I live almost 90 minutes away from where he works, Never mention marriage or getting engaged. His home is paid for, and he is comfortable. There is no family money. I have only known his family a year. He kept me away from them.. I have gotten to the point that when I am around his family I only talk when I am spoken to. Now I am being told that I am rude and ignorant.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 May 2015):
There's something missing from this story, but after reading your post more than once to make sure I didn't miss anything, I have a few questions to ask you, because not knowing the answers means I can't advise you properly on what to do here. The only thing I'm sure of is that there is more baggage here than an airline hangar. I'm just not sure what it is yet.
I hope you follow up on your post. I'll number it to keep it easy and logical:
1. You're in your 50's in a 3-year relationship with your boyfriend. Was he married before you? If so, how did that marriage end?
2. If there was a former wife or long-term girlfriend, were these sisters close to her? Are they still in contact with her?? Something or someONE is feeding them. There's always a source.
3. Why is your boyfriend being passive about these attacks? What is his response regarding the way his sisters are interacting with you? What is HIS relationship to his family?
4. Does your boyfriend have children from previous relationships? If so, is his family close to them? Specifically, are his SISTERS close to his children?
5. I need to know this question, and I'm not asking it to be judgmental, but having been an aunt on this site for a long time, it HAS to be asked: Are you considered the "other woman", meaning did he cheat on a wife/girlfriend with you, or do they THINK you stole him away from someone else they like? That's where a lot of tension comes from that takes form like this - it takes time for a family to catch up to a change of affection. The family falls in love with a former in-law and perceive you as the destroyer of that relationship.
6. What is the MOTHER's relationship with you? You mentioned the sisters, but how does the MOM treat you specifically, and what about her compels you to want a better relationship with her besides your mom not being around??
7. THIS IS IMPORTANT - is your boyfriend technically STILL MARRIED?? Meaning, if he was married beforehand, is he separated from his wife, yet there is no finalized divorce in place? I've seen that be a source of the dynamic you're describing.
8. What is your boyfriend's relationship with his family, specifically? Does he talk to his sisters regularly? Does he spend time with his mother regularly?? When you sent her flowers (and just to reiterate, I think you DID NOTHING WRONG, because your limited information you posted here doesn't make it seem like you were being passive-aggressive towards her or your boyfriend), had your boyfriend done something nice for her on his own?
9. Did you TELL your boyfriend you were going to send them? If you did, then how did he feel about you sending them, and if you didn't, why didn't you?
10. What are your future plans with your boyfriend?? Have you talked about getting married or living together? Has he had many prior girlfriends, or lots of casual activities?
11. Is your boyfriend rich or well-off? Does he have an inheritance to look forward to? Are there investments/family businesses at play here? Money is the root of a lot of family ugliness when adultery or other personal "transgressions" are ruled out.
12. Finally, did you know your boyfriend and/or his sisters longer than you've been in a relationship with him? Do they know you from similar circles of friends, jobs, or activities? It's amazing how petty grudges continue to play out in a vindictive mind, like stealing a college sweetheart, becoming prom queen and not them, or winning a scholarship that they felt entitled to.
None of these questions were intended to find fault with you. Behavior tends to reflect on those displaying it. I just know that it's extremely rare for a family to start bullying or excluding someone for no reason. Your boyfriend's silence at dealing with it says volumes, and there just might be something HE hasn't told you as well.
Please follow-up. I'd like to know who it is generating this, because there is always SOMEONE (as in, ONE PERSON) stirring the whole thing up.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 May 2015):
 You did nothing wrong, OP. Do no evil, fear no evil. You sent flowers with no hidden agenda, from a kind warm impulse of your heart. You surely did not mean to offend.
If THEY have chosen to take it the wrong way, as if you were trying to muscle your way in where you do not belong , or to ingratiate yourself by " phony " niceties ( maybe they are the kind of people who can't believe that one can actually be nice for real ! ) - that says a lot aboy their petty, impure minds, not yours.
As for feeling like an outsider ,OP.... are you sure that this is such a bad thing ? :) Being part of a family MAY feel good ...but I'd say, it largely depends from WHICH family they are and how they treat you !
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015):
I can't believe these people could not appreciate your nice gesture!
I would be would civil for your boyfriend's sake, but not try to spend too much time with them- they sound pretty horrible to be honest. If they like to treat people that way- be grateful they aren't your friends/family!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince I have no family other than my Father, I thought it would be nice to be part of his.
Easter the family was all together eating. There was a comment made about how the family was growing with the new baby and granddaughter getting engaged. That made me feel more like an outsider.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2015):
Nope, I think you DID a VERY sweet thing in sending her flowers. IF the woman and the rest of the family can't appreciate that, well SCREW them!
You sent your MIL flowers for Mother's Day in good faith and as a nice gesture - they CAN and WILL take it as they please.
THOUGH IF the MIL tells you NOT to do it again, don't. Instead donate the money to a charity or buy your Mom some flowers for her resting place.
My husband doesn't have a relationship with his mother (at all) but he DID (maybe 15 years ago?) sent her flowers for Mother's day (he sent my Mom some too) and HIS mother... called him and told him that she DID NOT like the flowers as they were not red roses... after that, he never sent her flowers again.
As for them treating you like dirt when you are around them, I would honestly STOP being around them. NEGATIVE people like that only drag you down. If your husband wants to visit, let him go by himself. I can't see WHY you should ENDURE that kind of abuse. Family or not.
Chin up.
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