A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a very complicated situation. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We married last year in April. We have a six month old boy.My husband does not have a job. We live in his parent's house. I had to apply for state assistance to pay for our son's routine doctor's visits and applied for WIC so I could have some help buying his food. My husband does nothing but sit on his butt all day and plays computer games, sleeps 14 hours, and eats. He never takes a shower, and wears the same clothes for days at a time, not bothering to change them when he sleeps. I do regular household chores like cleaning, cooking, and laundry. I take care of the baby 80% of the time, the other 20% going to my mother in law when I'm exhausted. There are times when I can't do everything, and the laundry will pile up, or the house needs vacuumed. My husband gets angry when these things happen, but I tell him that if he would help me, it wouldn't be so bad. After months of having that argument, he finally says to me last week that he wants to do a role reversal, where he does everything I do and I get to do nothing. He thinks we don't respect each other and that this will help him understand why I'm so agitated at him. At first, I thought he was nuts. And then I thought, this is going to backfire. I know how my husband is, and I knew that he was going to turn this into something different. But I said yes anyway. The first day, he did the laundry, vacuumed, tidied up, took care of the baby, and helped me with dinner. The second day, he only finished up the clothes he didn't get to the day before. After that, he only washed clothes and maybe washed some of the dishes. He tells me yesterday that I complain too much and that doing housework was easy. He then tells me to go out and get a job since he's contributing to the family and I'm not. He told me I was lazy, messy, a bad mother and wife, and a whole slew of other things. I was stunned, considering he only did a fourth of what I do on a daily basis. But that's how he is, he twists things around to suit him and make everyone else look like an idiot. Then he proceeds to tell me that we should just separate, and that neither of us is happy and after a few months go by, we'll both be better off. He goes through these little fits every once in a while, but this time I snapped. I told him I was going to leave, and I proceeded to pack everything up and called my mother to come get me. He wouldn't let me take the car because it's in his name and his family is asshole enough to call the cops on me for taking it. When I'm getting ready to leave, he tells me I can go, but the baby has to stay there with him. I said no, I'm not going to leave the child there and if he tried to stop me, I was going to call a police escort to take us out of the house. He didn't believe me and kept threatening me and giving me a hard time. So, I called the police. They came and told him that he couldn't stop me from taking the baby and if we were to get a divorce, he could file for visitation, but other than that, in the state of Pennsylvania the mother is always primary over children. After the police left, he really started going crazy, telling me I was sick and twisted for using the baby against him and that I was using the baby to make him not be mad at me anymore, which wasn't true. I wanted to leave and I didn't want to leave my child there with an incompetent parent and my crazy in laws. When I left, he told me that if I walked out the door, I was severing all ties with him and our marriage would be over. He said that if I would have just stayed home and not overreacted, we would have been able to work through this and everything would have been fine. I left anyway.I'm still too angry at him to feel any real emotion about this. Was I wrong to leave? Did I overreact? Every few weeks, he says we should get a divorce and that he's not happy anymore, that he doesn't like the person I am, that he hates my parent's, etc. I mean, I love him, and I want to stay married and try to work this out. My entire family and all my friends think I'm insane for dealing with him for this long, that I must have the patience of a saint to live with it. Before we were married, he had a job and he acted normal and we would only argue every once in a while. He never degraded me or put me down. Has anyone ever had an impossible spouse? How did things work out? Do you think my husband should go see a psychiatrist? If he doesn't go, would it be good for me to go see one and learn how to deal with him? I don't want a divorce, I want my old husband back and I want to work this all out, but is it too late? Should I start a new life?
View related questions:
divorce, emotionally abusive, escort, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): I think you have done the right thing. Men like this don't change and the reason is wrong upbringing. It will take a lot to uninstall the wrong values which he has grown up with. In the process you might end up insane. You only have one life. Why waste it to reform others who really don't even give a damn about you? Of course you love him. We women are emotional fools and we know that but seriously i think its time to wake up and smell the coffee. The only thing we can do is to ensure we raise our children right and with good values so the same thing does not happen to another individual.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): Sounds bipolar to me!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI fell on love with him because at first, we were very similar and had a lot of the same interests. It seemed like we were made for each other. Then it kind of turned into an "I'll show you" thing when it came to his parents. We are from different cultural backgrounds, and it came down to proving we could make it. Every once in a while, the old him will come out and everything will be great between us for a few days. And then it turns to shit again. His moods are very roller coaster-like. I never know what I'm going to get when I wake up in the morning. But I love how he use to be, and was willing to stay with him for those days he acted normal.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): OMG! He is the one that tried to manipulate you by trying to hold your baby hostage! He is acting like a child...you did the right thing by leaving!
When I left my son's father, he told me I wasn't taking his son. I said fine and left anyway. Two days later he contacted me and told me to come get him! Sometimes we have to call their bluffs!
Yes, you should see a therapist. You have taken a huge step in the right direction, but you need support! Yes you do have your family, but they may be a little critical of your feelings for your husband and they may send you right back to him. You need an objective point of view from a professional who will let you feel your feelings and process them!
Of Course, you want your "old husband" back, but that will not happen if you stay their and let him live like a lazy teenager. And if his parents put up with it, it just may go on forever! You should never put up with abusive behavior...it will only worsen!
Good Luck and Be Strong!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): May I ask, which part of him you love that he warrants your love in the first place? His 'abusiveness' could very well be his lack of confidence and esteem and counseling seems to be a good starting point for you two, but if he is simply unwilling, then you can either continue to play these mind games he plays or find an alternative to the source of his issues with you.
...............................
|
