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writes: Hello everyone! I wanted to post here because I’m looking for advice, yesterday I unfollowed my ex from all social media, and I blocked him on WhatsApp. Also, I deleted his family and friends from Instagram.This was a huge step for me. It makes me sad because he would send me memes and he thought everything was fine between the two of us, as friends, but I can’t be friends with someone like him… I need you to please read this. This is something that brings me profound sadness. This is something that made me think about not wanting to live anymore, and I’m feeling that wave of sadness again. Please, help me with your kind words. I really need it. I’m going to explain everything with a lot of detail, I really need to do this. If you can please bear with me, take this as a story (with the difference that this happened to me irl). ????Since we started dating, back in 2020/2021, I thought he wanted something serious. But I noticed that he was for example “online” on WhatsApp and he wouldn’t reply to my texts. He would take his time to reply or text me back. Sometimes he would text me back right away, and sometimes he would take hours to reply. The same thing on Instagram. I remember asking him why he took so long to text me back on ig (he took like two days one time to reply), and his reply was that he is “a bad texter ” and he has a “hands off approach” when it comes to relationships. I had to google that, I didn’t know what that meant. Basically it means that he lets other people take the handle on the relationship, he has a hands off approach. I should just have stopped my relationship with him there, but I didn’t. One day we went out for drinks, and I asked him the BIG question. I was like… “what are we?”. He looked uncomfortable and he took his sweater off, he started feeling the heat on his body. He got nervous. He told me he wanted to “go with the flow”. I thought “well damn. This doesn’t have a future”. But what did I do? I slept with him… I completely ignored what he said, and I was like, If I sleep with him I will make him want to commit to me.. wrong! So, time passes by and what I notice is that I was always the one initiating convos with him. It’s like, he would reply and I’d go to his house, have sex… sometimes he would initiate conversations of course, but I noticed that he didn’t have much initiative on hanging out, it was like I was the one insisting to meet. It wasn’t like this all the time, but since he responded every time, I thought he wanted to commit to me in the near future.One time I remember he crashed his parents car and after that I didn’t hear from him. It’s like he “ghosted” me for a couple of months, and then he came back, out of nowhere. So, one day he confesses something. This was back in 2021. Near the ending of 2021. He tells me he is going to an exchange program to Slovenia. 6 months. He warned me. He was like… “Look, I’m going to go. You need to decide what you want to do.” I pursued things, of course. It was a huge mistake, I wish I didn’t go any further with him. One day he comes to my house and I ask him again… “what are we?”. He told me he didn’t believe in labels. And I said “well I do believe in labels, so if you want to be with me you should respect that and add a label to our relationship.” He did and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. But he warned me, again, that he was leaving. I remember him telling me “my brother, when he goes to another country, he takes a ‘break’ from his girlfriend, and when he returns, they see what’s up and they see if they’re together again”. He was like, warning me that he was going to do the same. I remember crying, and I felt bad for having to “push” someone into being my partner. I just remember feeling that things just weren’t alright. I don’t remember if this happened before or after those events, but one day when I came to his house, and we were having intercourse, he slapped me lightly. In the face. And afterwards, he put his fist up, put on a “crazy” and “angry” face, and almost punched me. In the face, with his fist. His fist was closed, up, ready to punch me, but he didn’t. He slowly put the first down, and he slowly put back his normal face, from angry to “normal”. I didn’t say anything, but the next day I felt weird.Also, I should say that he smokes weed since 16. And he does other drugs: magic shrooms, lsd (acid), and he has tried ecstasy. He has a friend that tried ketamine. He once told me I should go to his house, and smoke weed with him. I don’t smoke, and at that moment I thought. Woww… if I start with that, I’m going to end up doing lsd with him, or worse. I’m 25 years old now, but at the time this happened I was 21, 22, 23. I have strict parents with old fashioned views. I have a job now, and I make my grown ass decisions now, but at that time my parents were strict. They didn’t want me to sleep over at his house, and they didn’t allow him to sleep over at mine. This made him (my ex) upset, and I believe is one of the reasons he didn’t wanna be with me. Or maybe not? I don’t know. One time, I remember my (now ex) asked me for nudes. I refused. And he started to say “come on, come on, send one please”. He then started manipulating me, saying things like “it’s taking a step back in our relationship if you don’t send me nudes. We already have sex, so if you don’t send nudes is like going backwards”. I remember I ended up sending one but then deleting it, and he got upset because I deleted it. I remember getting really mad at him, but as always, I just pushed it inside and didn’t say nothing. So, the real drama comes now. I lost my grandfather on February 3, 2022. I lost him to cancer, I was feeling so sad. It was sudden and horrible, I watched him suffering so much, and I actually saw him the day before he died (you can imagine in the state he was in). On February 10, a friend of my (now ex) invited me to a surprise farewell party they were throwing for him (he would go to Slovenia ???? on February 15). I went. And I didn’t feel good. I had just lost my favorite granddad, my bf was leaving, and he wasn’t talking to me. He was talking to his friends, and I felt ignored. I even mentioned February 14th, Valentine’s Day, and he was hesitant. He was like “I have two birthdays… but we can do something the day before”. I felt bad because I didn’t see him excited to celebrate Valentine’s Day with me. I was also feeling sensitive because I have family living abroad (my sister moved to Belgium ???? in 2019; my aunt, uncle, and cousins moved to Malaga, Spain in 2020). And I was just overwhelmed. I didn’t want someone else to go. I also had lost another grandpa on 2021 (the year before), suddenly, so I was TIRED. I started crying ?? and I left the farewell party early. I had the feeling my bf didn’t want me there. I told him he wasn’t talking to me and he was like “I wanna spend time with my friends because I’m going to leave soon”. When my dad came pick me up, he saw me crying and that I smelled like alcohol. And he got very pissed at me and my bf. I have a history with alcohol, I almost passed out one day, (I almost end up hospitalized) and since then, my parents are afraid something might happen to me. So they grounded me.They didn’t want me to go out of the house, they wanted my bf to come to my house. My bf invited me to have dinner at his house, 3 days before he would leave, and I had to say that I was grounded. He got very pissed at me and he didn’t believe me. He said “you don’t wanna see me”. I explained to him that I couldn’t escape the house, and he was like “if you really cared you would’ve escaped your house. But it’s clear to me that you don’t care about me.” I don’t know how to explain the sadness, I remember sending him voice messages crying, trying to explain to him that I did wanna see him, but I just couldn’t. I told him my mother sometimes gets violent with me. And after that he said my family problems were too much for him. He said “things aren’t the same as before, I’m sorry”. The day after, he came to my house, and we had sex. But he was pissed at me and told me “I won’t forget this, though”. He still made me feel bad for not being allowed to go to his house. I felt terrible, I thought about ending my life multiple times. The day before he would leave, I had to beg my parents to let me go to his house, they allowed me and I spent 2 hours at his house and we had sex. We said goodbye.When he left, he asked me for a break. And he would send me texts that were like paragraphs. Formal paragraphs, something like “Hello, Daniela.I’m [message]” It’s like his communication completely shifted. He told me that I wasn’t his priority at the moment, that he didn’t want to keep a long distance relationship with me, he turned so cold.He also told me that he didn’t have the time, the space, the willingness to continue a long distance ~thing with me. He said “I draw a line here and you decide wether you wanna accept it, or not”. He posted photos hugging other women, and when I said I was upset about it, he said “They are friends. If you want, I can hide stories from you so you don’t have to see it. I’m having a great time, can’t you just be happy for me?”. I told him that hiding stories wasn’t necessary. But he did anyways. And when I confronted him, he was like “sorry I forgot to un-hide the stories from you. What happened is I posted another photo with a friend, similar to te previous one, so I hid the stories from you because you would be upset, and I forgot to add you again”. When we were together, he never posted a photo together. I once tagged him on a story where we were eating waffles at my house, but he didn’t repost it on his story. He only once posted a photo hugging me, but he added it to “best friends” on Instagram, not on the “normal” story where everybody could see it. I told him all of this and we ended up breaking up. Then of course he came back, and texted me again. I think this was when he returned to the country. I remember him texting me, me replying, and then, the day after that, I texted him first. It took him by surprise, he said: “hi! How are you? Did something happen?” And I was like, no, nothing happened. Why you ask? And he was like “I just find it weird that you are texting me…”. And I was like well, yeah, you are allowed to text me out of nowhere, but when I do, it’s “weird” for you? And I was like “you did a lot of bad things to me, you were hurtful…” and he’s like “I know I did, that’s why I waited this long to text you…”. Wtf? He acknowledged he did horrible things, and he understood me, but he “waited” to text me? It’s weird. He also told me that he didn’t want to get my hopes up, he thought that ME texting HIM meant that I wanted to get back together with him or something. I remember that I had deleted him from Instagram at that point, and then I was like “I’m sorry I got carried away and I unfollowed you on ig. Can you add me back?” And he’s like “are you sure? It doesn’t change anything, the fact that you add me”. And then I re added him. Which was a mistake. Then, I realized my mistake and I blocked him EVERYWHERE. After a couple months, maybe 8 months, he sent me a TEXT MESSAGE, since he was blocked everywhere. He was like “I saw you blocked me on social media. I don’t want things to end this way. I want to be on good terms with you. Can you unblock me, son we can talk and have closure?” I added him. We talked and we gave each other closure. It felt good because I could explain why my parents did what they did, and I could take the guilt off my chest. We agreed on exchanging memes. A couple months passed and he keeps sending me cute memes. We gave each other the closure we needed, but he never apologized.I saw him at uni, we talked, and I felt like he wanted to start things again with me. Something just didn’t feel right inside of me, after everything he put me through, so yesterday I finally decided: I deleted him, his family and friends from all forms of social media.I feel bad, and I don’t know why. I feel bad for rejecting him. We were working things out and he was sending me cute and funny memes. I feel bad for him, but at the same time, I needed to feel good again. Somehow, seeing his name popup was a reminder of everything. I feel extremely sad to let this connection go. What is wrong with me? Lol, I just had this feeling and hope that things could get better and we could get back together, but I don’t know if that’s what he wants. I always remind myself that he texted me to get “closure” and obviously closure is for when you end a relationship… it’s extremely hard because I DO love him and I DO have strong feelings for him, but at the same time I’m angry. I feel bad because he thought everything was fine and then BOOM I unfollow him and his whole family and friends.Why do I have such low self esteem? Why am I like this? Why do I feel so bad to let him go? Why do I have strong feelings for him and feel terrible for what I did? :( this is the final goodbye but it hurts too bad. Please help me, I’ve never felt so low in my life. We were building something good and I decided to delete him from my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2023): Anything along the lines of "I don't like labels" "let's just go with the flow" or anything other than "yes, I'm looking for something serious but I want to take it slow to make sure it's what we both want" essentially means he wants primarily sex. Do not, do not, do not have sex with anyone unless you're in a committed monogamous relationship with someone who also clearly states that they want a committed monogamous relationship. Even then, BE in that relationship for 3 or more months BEFORE you have sex. If there's oral, make sure it's pretty close to reciprocal and not you just giving and accepting nothing but "maybe some other time" over an over. If you set a boundary there should be nothing but acceptance and respect. Period. If you express hurt or disappointment there should be an apology or at least empathy and a permanent ongoing effort to change behavior. Anything less than that, cut him off. Any guy doing anything different expects free and easy no maintenance no strings sex. Period.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2023): Thank you for your reply @youcannotbeserious. By writing this post I realized just how toxic all of this is. I have already blocked him everywhere, deleted his number and blocked his number. I’m sad but I know it will pass. I know this is just for a moment, and with time I’ll feel better again! I have been through this before… and I felt better so it’s a matter of time. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read this long post. I know it’s a LOT. I thank you with all my heart ??. I already feel better with my decision.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 September 2023):
 Let me ask you something. Would you read a book you had read before and expect a different ending? Would you watch a film you had watched before and expect it to end differently? Of course not, because that is just illogical. So why do you keep going back to this guy and expect something different to the multiple previous times? It is NEVER going to be different.
If he loved you, he would have shown it by now. He does NOT even really like you. He likes you mooning over him. He likes having the power over you to treat you badly, knowing you will come crawling back, regardless of how badly he has treated you. Because you WILL keep going crawling back. Don't kid yourself that this is the end. You are still obsessed with him and you would go back in a heartbeat if he gave you the slightest glimmer of hope that he wants you. If you really wanted to block him, you would have blocked his number and he would not have been able to text you. Or you would have deleted the text without reading it. You just haven't let go yet.
Sweetheart, this is not love; this is obsession. By your own admission, you are prone to addiction. This unhealthy attachment to this man is nothing but another addiction. It is no wonder your parents are doing their best to keep you away from him. They must be beside themselves with worry. Put yourself in their place and imagine how you would feel if this was your daughter being treated this badly. How would that make you feel?
You know in your heart this guy is no good for you. You know you should cut all ties and move on with your life, including cutting ties with his family. Letting go of an addiction is always scary but worth it in the end. Be strong and walk away.
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