A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a LDR for a year and a half. There were ups and down. The man himself was not happy with where things were in his life so he was messing up our relationship without realizing it. To cut the long story short, after realizing he called my bluff of breaking up with him twice I decided to go for a “no contact” break up and this time I meant it and it worked. We have now been broken up for 3 months. A month after our breakup, he contacts me by text and asked that he wants to discuss something with me in a week. I said its ok. But ignored his random text after because I wanted to maintain the no contact. I never heard from him on the day he scheduled to discuss.Now its been 3mths, I got a random text last two weeks ago about prayer points and did not respond to that either because it looks like one of those junk forwarded texts. I do feel that eventually it should be ok for us to reconnect just as friends because I have never had that problem with my exes. I just disn’t know when. And I pretty much want to contact to come from him first. I don’t want to initiate the conversation. It looks like that day may never come but I was optimistic and did’t want to be weak.Do you think I am being petty and silly for playing hard to get? Does this mean I am not totally over him and thinking there is possibility that we may try to get back together? How do you know these things? Those were the questions and thoughts that came to mind.One have to realize that I was hurt at the time of break up and ended it amicably with a no-contact rule to get rid of any emotions. So this is why I did not want to respond to his friendly text and wait for him to discuss what he wants to tell me. Anyways, it finally happened I actually have reached out to him three days ago because his friend told me he cut himself badly and had undergone surgery. Then when my brother who have unfriended him on fb told me that my ex told him about his surgery on fb mail, I figured it was the right thing to do to contact him and wish him a safe recovery.I was surprised at his responses. You can tell he really missed me and was shocked to hear from me. But then the confusing part was that he seems to still think we are together even after 3mths because he mistekenly refered to me as "babe" and then he also asked me to come and see him this coming Monday and for his friend's baby's christening party. I was shocked that he will want me around his friends. This tells me he really did not tell anyone we broke up and because most of his friends are married with kids, he probably feels ashamed to be the only one that have not grown up and amtured into a MAN. Then he sends me pictures of him in surgery room and really emphasized how lonely he was and how he is not going back to work until the next two weeks which will be a month of sick leave on bed rest.The next day he did not text me so I called him late at night to check up on him. He was once again surprised and also told me the exact date and time I broke up with me and that he really thinks he is still in a dream after that date. He continued to probe me to go and check out a airline ticket and said to me that "it is not as if we do not know each other." I continued to tell him "No" And he said he knows I want to come over and miss him but he thinks I want him to push harder. Hmm Then he text me after the movie he went to see that he was on his way home and he will text me later. He then left the text as "Patience is the key, I cannot be perfect but can get better". Then I woke up this morning realizing he did not text me back as promised. SO I checked his LD international account and found out a min right after the text me the last message, he called and talked to the said home wrecker girl for almost 25mins. Well that just tells me he is still the same man that uses other women for emotional support. He can never be with one woman soul heartedly and this is one of the reason why we broke up.I think that there is a reason for the no contact rule and it is really risky and dangerous to try to open the lines of communication with someone that you probably hurt or bruised their ego. How do you know they are not playing nice to try to hurt you back? It's going to be tough to figure that one out but if you dont want to be burnt in the process, i suggest you thread the water carefully. I am scared now of what I did. Maybe I should have left it alone. If a man wants you he should be coming back after you hard even if you push him away, he should try harder. That is how I feel.What will you do? Was I wrong for reaching out to someone that hurt me who wll not even try to contact me harder within 3mths of breakup? If I continue to talk to him, how will I know I am not setting myself up again to be lied to and hurt?
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broke up, get back together, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): "If a man wants you he should be coming back after you hard even if you push him away, he should try harder. That is how I feel."
I disagree. Nothing to do with gender roles, but if someone were to push me away, I would take that as a sign that they do not want me, and I would walk away. You can't expect the other person to read your mind and magically "know" that you want him to pursue you when your outward actions are the opposite.
If you want someone, you should not push them away you should welcome them. if you're afraid of getting hurt that way, then either don't be involved with this person, or learn to grow a thicker skin.
don't play games. be honest and direct and forthcoming in your relationships, and expect the same from the other person.
People who play mind games, often assume the other person is doing that back to them even though the other person may truly have no clue what's going on and is behaving in an honest way in response to your DIShonest signals.
If the other person won't be honest and forthcoming with you, if you feel you are both always playing mind games with each other, this is not a real relationship. So if it's a real relationship you want, it's not going to happen with this person so you might as well walk away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am letting him try harder but the situation is complicated because I don't want to feel like I am neglecting him with his current surgery situation. That is why I am not trying to ignore his calls. So even though I will not be going to his place even after he had begged to put me in a hotel, the least I can do is answer the phone when he calls.
God give me strength!
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female
reader, natmarie  +, writes (8 July 2012):
 How are you getting on with it? I.m in exactly the same situation. No contact. My guy has tried to ring me six times this week,but i have not answered. It.s hard,but you have to think about what it would be like if he hurt you again,and then you would be back to square one. If he means it,let him try harder. X
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thank you guys. You all just instill something in me that can and may have possibly saved me another heartbreak. His actions to me ssems to me like someone using sympathy to try to get me back. He is not even initiating that he will pay and he is really almost a little too flirtatious. Those are some of the things I overdid when we were together. Giving and giving and not receving. He had me anytime he wanted even when I did not have enough money to travel to go see him. I thank God I got out of it and I will be darned to go back into that situation again.If he is ashmed of what his friends will say if they dont see us together at the party, let it be his problem to deal with it. He is not my problem anymore.I love this site. Thank you
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female
reader, natmarie +, writes (7 July 2012):
Hi. You have done really well with getting away from him for the last 3 months,but you are now slipping back into the same pattern,and are calling him back etc. He knows it too. I think you should try very hard to go back to no contact again,as you will more than likely get hurt again,and will have to go through the whole process of recovery again. He may one day realize what he has lost,and genuinley try to fix things,but right now,he can.t be trusted. Let him try harder if he means it. Don.t take his calls for a month. He can find you if he wants to talk. Try to find someone else. Don.t allow him to hurt you again. You are doing well. X
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): Hi,
I think what DearMandy means is that you really do seem to answer your own question in the last 2 paragraphs.
"Maybe I should have left it alone. If a man wants you he should be coming back after you hard even if you push him away, he should try harder."
I was in an international LDR and went no contact 4 months ago because of the half-hearted attitude and contact from his side. He has not tried to contact me. Neither have I. I am healing but I am still not there. I think the point of no contact it to recover from your pain and MOVE ON, not to make the other person change and want you back.
He may have missed you, but if you are seeing that nothing has really changed about him and his ways, I suggest you go back to having no contact. Your focus should rather be on protecting yourself from being hurt again than on hoping that staying friends with him will make him a better person.
And another thing, I don't know if I hurt my guy's feelings by breaking up with him (I was supposed to visit him and I cancelled the trip) but it certainly bruised his ego or whatever. Again, quoting you, How do you know they are not playing nice to try to hurt you back?
This is also a possibility.
Please, whatever you do next, put yourself first and think about your best interests.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did really. I answered my question? Please I still need your adbice. I am torn. I still love the guy and I think if we remain cordial as friends and he gets to know me well, we can still work out. or is this wishful thinking?
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (6 July 2012):
 HI
You asked your questions and answered them yourself. so just continue on that path cause its the right one.
Mandy
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