A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had a row with my boyfriend and we broke up last year. I am torturing myself every day with the thought that I was unreasonable and it was my fault. I cannot move on in my mind. I am replaying the whole relationship over and over. My issue was basically that I felt he was running after his friends all the time, a couple who live near, in particular the wife, his female friend. I felt very uncomfortable in her presence and would have preferred not to any contact with her myself. When I first met her I said hello but she never replied. I met her three times and she made a few snide comments. For example I was quiet around her when she did not say hello,and to try to avoid making waves I said to my ex that I was always quiet with people I don't know. He must have said this to her because the next time I saw her she said oh yes if you can't think of anything nice to say don't say anything at all. This was not what I had meant. I felt my words had been twisted a little. Maybe she sensed I did not feel comfortable, but this was because she had ignored me. When I first met her my ex had bought me some flowers for my birthday. The next day he took her shopping and she said she had seen some flowers that her mother had liked but she had no money left, so he bought her some. I thought that was weird it was as if she was jealous of me getting flowers. He used to dry their clothes and one day we had been together and were just about to cuddle up and watch t.v. and she came down to collect her clothes and she started to pretend to cry about needing someone to help her father the next day. She knew we usually saw each other on certain days.Me and my ex had a row and he said I was being irrational she was his friend. I did notice his tone of voice changed to softer when he spoke to her. She was constantly ringing him sometimes three times in half an hour. I felt there was always an excuse for her to call on him, she always needed something. One day I was with my ex and we visited her father. My ex gave him a black lacy corset for him to wear for his bad back. It belonged to the female friend, she had given my ex this to give to her dad. The female friend cut my ex's hair twice in four months and trimmed his beard. I had said I liked his hair long and found his beard very nice. I feel that he told her this and she was trying to cause trouble. I asked my ex twice if there was anything going on and he said they were just friends. I was surprised her husband never said anything. There are loads of other details, like he gave her lifts to and from work, collected her children etc. I felt although I had no proof that she and maybe her husband were lying to my ex about every crisis she had and that she was deliberately trying to limit our time together. One night she said she was ill and had to go to hospital, my ex needed to take her as her husband could not get time off work. There was always an excuse why other family members her two sons her brother or her nephew could not help her father. It always had to be my ex. I did not mind him helping her father, but even on the husbands day off when it was supposed to be him helping there was always a reason for it to be my ex. I did not mind my ex spending time with her father or her husband I just objected to him spending time with her as she seemed to be manipulating him. It was every single day. My ex liked being with them as a family and wanted me to get along with them and be friends and he says it was because of my reaction to her that we split up. I lost my temper with him after four months because he would not set boundaries with her, she seemed to be like a queen bee with everyone worshiping at her feet and running when she clicked her fingers.Is it my fault was I unreasonable should i have accepted this and been more friendly?
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broke up, flowers, jealous, money, move on, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all three of you marvelous people. I really really needed to hear those words of support.You all have made me feel a bit better. It still hurts but I know you are right. You all have told me how it is and validated my feelings.You have even made me laugh with the needy little homewrecker and see it for what it is girlfriend. All the things you all said about boundaries games beck and call no respect three people in relationship are all actually things I said to him when we were breaking up. He wouldn't discuss it so a lot of my comments were said via text as I was not going to let him get away with not talking to me. I know you are all spot on with everything just it is difficult at weekends that's when I get upset. But thank you all I appreciate you replying.x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2018): This mess with so-called meddling needy friends is a topic I like to jump right onto!
You're a mature person, and you seem intuitive enough to see there was more than meets the eye with your ex and that needy little home-wrecker. When guys act like they don't see whats going on, they are full of sh*t! They stay neutral, because they're comfortably in the middle benefiting from what they get from either of the battling-females. It's an ego boost, they get sexual-arousal out of the vivid competition and cat-fighting.
The guy in the middle thinks he's a big stud; while the two dumb women (not calling you dumb) are fighting over him. Only I can tell who the dominate-female is in your situation. She has his balls in her pocket! You'd never win; because she's relentless and has had a lot of practice at doing what she's doing. He loves it.
The husband doesn't mind; because they all have some weird triangle going-on, and you stepped into the middle of it.
You don't owe that dingbat any explanations. If he dumped you, that means she means more to him than you do.
Don't play second-fiddle to anybody! When friends seem to compete for affection and attention; and they get it, you're the third-wheel! Your purpose may be to serve as a distraction, to make someone jealous; or just as an alternative love-interest. Someone to turn to when he gets bored with whatever weird arrangement they have going on.
Ruminating and obsessing over this drama isn't worth the time you're wasting on it. You stepped into a pile of poo.
Nothing you could do or say would have made things any different; because she is the queen bee. She has a husband who was probably indifferent, somewhat detached, and probably has other ladies on the side. Leaving her to do whatever she needs to stay out of his business. The son laughs, because he knows what's up! He has seen this happen before!
I've said this over and over. I don't stick around when there are exes that are too emotionally-involved; or if there are "so-called friends" who demand a lot of time and attention away from our relationship. Guys play dumb, and let the women scrap it out. Your boyfriend is her second-husband and you're his chick on the side. He's playing you against each other; because it's how he gets his kicks!
Stop wasting your feelings and punishing yourself when you had a piece of crap for a boyfriend; who let a "friend" be a wedge between you. He knew what was going on, and if you didn't play along, you got kicked out of the game.
See if for what it is; girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 March 2018):
 OP, it wasn't your job to "show" this woman that YOU were now dating him and she should back off. She (and your ex) SHOULD both have known that this wasn't appropriate when he was in a relationship and she is married. this is THEIR game. She made SURE you KNEW that YOU were trespassing on HER property (your ex) and HE was FINE with that.
Don't make excuses for him. Depression or not, you DID bring it up with him and he brushed it off with the "but we are just friends so it's OK!". Which means, he DIDN'T think there was anything OFF in her or his behavior. However, WHY do you think he was single when you met him? Bet he claimed the last ex was crazy and jealous? Like he probably NOW tells everyone YOU are the crazy ex.
He has even involved his son. Why do you think his son laugh when he sees you? Because his dad and HER are filling his head with all kind of lies and nonsense to make YOU the "bad guy" or "crazy ex". WHO does that? Who involves their kids in stuff like that? When ever you see this kid out & about and he laughs, look at him, shake your head or just IGNORE him. Same with the ex and his "friend".
He has taken NO responsibility for his own actions and behavior. None.
Silent treatment is not what he is doing. He just chose to cut you off after the break up. Which I think, honestly, is better for most people post-break up. Because you weren't friends and there was no need to pretend you were. You were a couple that didn't work out. No need to talk and apparently he can't be civil either.
You can KEEP spending time beating yourself up for this relationship not working, which will do YOU no good.
You can KEEP letting this ex, his "Friend" live rent-free in your head, reliving the drama over and over and holding you back from moving on and finding someone who is ACTUALLY interested in dating YOU! ( not using you as some covert cover while he plays house with his "friend".)
OR
You can accept that this was an unhealthy relationship that didn't work out. THAT YOU do not have the power to change people. Not your ex and not his "friend". All you CAN change is how you react to what happens and how people treat you.
In your follow up post you are basically saying, "if I had been a more jealous & possessive doormat who insisted on inserting myself EVERY time they spend time together this relationship would have worked!"
No. No.
See it for what it was. A SHITTY ex who LET his friend WALK all over you and your relationship and when you tried to put your foot down, HE blamed YOU for BOTH their behaviors.
As for why the husband puts up with it? WHO cares?! Maybe he really doesn't like his wife and is GLAD that someone else takes her drama off his hands! Maybe he is a wimp? Maybe HE has someone on the side? Regardless... IT DOESN'T matter!!
You had a relationship that didn't work because your ex CHOSE (see that word?) CHOSE to let this "friend" DICTATE his relationship. He CHOSE to delegate you to the 3rd wheel role. He CHOSE to pretend that this is normal in any relationship. He ALLOWED her to sabotage his relationship. (probably has done that in the past and will continue to do so).
Life isn't fair, OP.
You want happiness in your life? Stop giving these two people so much power over you and stop wallowing in self-pity and blame for having not been able to make a SHITTY relationship work.
STOP looking to the past, it's time to let this go and look to the future. Being bitter and upset doesn't help YOU in YOUR life. And it DOESN'T AFFECT your ex and her either! They don't GIVE a shit!
Spend time with people who are POSITIVE and GOOD to be around. Set yourself some goals for the summer, like saving up for a little vacation with a friend or even solo. Or go see a show at the local theater, pick up and old hobby (something that you enjoy), take an evening class. DO something POSITIVE, not only to take your mind of this fiasco but to ENRICH your life.
Chin up. And see this ex for what he really was. A SHITTY partner who might have had some good qualities. However, respecting his partner, setting boundaries with his friend, living drama-free weren't ANY of those "good" qualities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I keep thinking is that I gave up too easily,I should have gone in the car each time he went to pick her up and made her sit in the back, things like that. I really loved him. Maybe I should have had it out with her got it all out into the open, insisted on discussing this with her husband because I am sure he does not know the extent of her games.The only reason I didn't was because I was wary of her reaction, i.e she may have been aggressive or violent. Why did her husband put up with this? Surely my ex must know she is manipulating him. He suffers from depression and perhaps may not have realized what she was like. It is so unfair she essentially won but I let her. My ex has given me the silent treatment for 6 months now totally blanking me which id hard because we live in the same street. His son laughs at me and I feel like my ex is telling everyone I tried to stop him spending time with his friends. I have no one to turn to no one to help me with this unfairness.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 March 2018):
 There were basically 3 people in your relationship. Quite reasonably, you were not happy with this. It sounds like your ex's friend was used to having him at her beck and call and pushed this as much as possible in order to push you out of the picture - which she successfully did.
My advice? Stop thinking about it. Consign it to the rubbish bin where it belongs. Leave your ex to his friend (who will continue to manipulate him and push out any but the strongest of female "opposition") and find someone who wants to put you first.
You are well out of that one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2018):
Honestly, OP?
I think you did the right thing in breaking up with him. while there might NOT have been anything going on he ALLOWED and even ENCOURAGED her to constantly butt in "in the name of friendship". Most of her issues she OUGHT to have sought her husband for help and support.
She didn't like you because it meant SHE got less attention when he (your ex) had a GF. My guess is she does this to ALL the women your ex dates. She isn't happy with her husband/marriage so she plays house with your ex.
You EX got/get something out of that "friendship" - for one, plenty of attention, getting to play knight in shiny armor, but also a HOLD over the husband... AND whomever he is dating. The whole... gas-lighting behavior with " you are crazy and jealous, she is JUST my friend" is bullshit - he wouldn't have accepted or liked it ONE bit if you did this with a MALE friend. He LIKES having two women "fight" over him. Like he is some prized stud!
And while having friends is GREAT and important - you don't put your partner on a "lower" level of priority.
It would have been great if you and her had gotten along (I don't think a wild bear in Alaska would have MADE her want to be your friend) but it didn't and his friends are/were VERY important to him, MORE so than a partner. In his eyes THEY were a package deal (him and her) so either take them both or none at all.
You can not move on because he SOWED some seeds in you, that it was ALL your fault, your jealous imagination, your crazy mind, your behavior that was responsible for it not working out. He took ZERO responsibility here. definitely GAS-lighting you. read up on that.
Having 3 people in a relationship just doesn't work. When you are MADE to be the 3rd wheel in your OWN relationship it's time to walk away. No wonder the husband stayed out of her drama-llama circus.
YOU did the right thing. This was not a healthy relationship.
Having really good and close friends of the opposite sex is possible and can be a great thing, but BOUNDARIES needs to be in place. Partners NEEDS to be respected. Neither were happening in your relationship.
I think you dodged a bullet, honestly.
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