A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First off, here’s a quick background of our past relationship. We randomly met almost four years ago, when I was in town visiting from out of state. She was a graduate student and I was visiting my hometown. We connected very randomly and initially thought it was just about casual sex. However, we had an instant connection and would continue to get together every other weekend for several months. About a year into our relationship, I was still living in another city, but not too far away. We both made it clear that we were really into eachother, but she expressed moving abroad again, to study and work, potentially long-term. I panicked, and due to communication issues between us, I decided to date someone else, seriously. I did this because I didn’t want to get crushed, as I was falling so hard for her. When she became aware that I was getting seriously involved with someone else, she became an emotional wreck. I didn’t realize that she cared that much but felt that it was too late then. I moved again, and went with this other woman. After several months, it didn’t work, and I realized that I made a big mistake, and missed my ex immensely. I sent her an e-mail around Valentine’s Day, and she quickly replied, saying how much she misses me. We re- connected and hit it off like we were never apart. I moved in with her and we’d lived together for almost three years. However, some of her family members and close friends resented me due to how badly I hurt her only months ago. They didn’t want us back together at all, and this would continue to be an issue. Also, she would continuously check up on the woman that I left her for, who was a public figure.Now fast forward to present day, after experiencing many ups and downs: Basically what has happened was that about a month ago, I found out from stumbling across some messages on her computer, that she was randomly hooking up with numerous guys off of craigslist, as part of a sexual addiction. She told her friend best female friend that she was having issues with her bi-polar, and was manic. She said that she just can't get enough and had no control. She came clean to me about some of it, but I saw that there was more, which I didn't tell her, to see if she was being honest or not. Also, we decided to take a break, and to casually date others, while we work 110% on bettering ourselves and us. She said that she really wanted things to work out, but we had to work on some stuff. Over the last two months, we've been hanging out a lot, having fun; she's spent a lot of time with my parents and family, etc.The casual dating was mainly just to give us some space, but it was clear that it was only CASUAL and that we were each other’s priorities. Needless to say, she started hanging out with this one guy more and more, the lies kept building up, and then finally, she confessed to "falling" for him, and sleeping around with him, all while she was telling me that things were getting better, and that she wanted things to work out so badly with me. We had a huge fight and that was that. She's extremely deceitful and manipulative, and literally has some serious issues, which she's been on meds for, and getting outpatient treatment. However, she’d openly admit to me that she wasn’t always taking them, and when she did, sometimes it would be while going out to the bars and drinking, which she shouldn’t have been doing (drinking alcohol at all).This is all happening while she's having dinners with my parents, we're hanging out, working out together, going out for drinks, shopping, planning trips, having amazing sex, etc. She completely played and manipulated me, along with being incredible deceitful. Her best friend never forgave me for when I left her for the other woman back in the fall of 2009, and has been trying to get my ex to sabotage our relationship, or cheat on me. Which she ended up doing god knows how many times. Dating her was always like walking on eggshells, due to her illness, I suppose, but I never thought in a million years that she would have done what she just did. Since we have gotten back together, she would break up with me so many times out of nowhere, and then we’d talk, and things would be great again. But this was so frequent, and it impacted me greatly. I was unable to focus on my own life, due to always worrying about what she was really thinking, or planning. She was incredibly good to me often, and also my family and friends. Her compassion was unmatched, but she also seemed to have a dark and mysterious past. It seemed like she couldn’t hold onto friend’s long term, unless they had similar issues. Also, she seemed to feed off of drama and conflict at times, and had many problems with both men and women – from friends to people she’s dated.I came across all kind of ads and saved pdfs of craigslist ads that she replied to, or that she posted, looking for casual sex. I also saw numerous sensual pics that I took of her, that were altered (she cropped her face out of them) and sent them to men online. I saw the dates from when they were altered, and she was doing this when I was away for events, and also while she was accusing ME of cheating on her! She's a master of deception, manipulation, and guilt. We had a horrible breakup and argument when I fully confronted her on everything this past week, and when she admitted that she's been lying, and how she was having sex with this guy, when in fact, she said that it was just friends-casual with him, and how she really wanted things to workout with me.I feel so incredibly hurt and played. I feel like I don’t even really know this person anymore or ever did. I spent so much of my life and time with her. I know that she really loved me, but what happened? Did her personal problems get the best of her? Is she borderline as well? Was it a sick game? Confusion? Hurt? I just don’t understand how someone can just flip a switch like it’s nothing, after almost four years of a relatively good, adventurous, and strong bonded relationship. I do feel that there’s a lot that she never told me about her more personal life, and it seems much clearer now that the dust has settled.
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a break, best friend, crush, moved in, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 My guess would be that in the past when you started seeing that other woman it hurt her and then when you both decided to give things another shot she still did not trust you. I have no doubt she wanted to be with you but with the trust issues and her mental issues it probably got to much for her and she went in search for something else. She was paranoid you where cheating, so she decided she would do the same thing as well. I doubt she was playing you this entire time or meant to hurt you.
However the past cannot be changed now, and I no that you are hurt but I think it is the best thing that you both are apart. It will take you some time to get over each other no doubt, but I suggest that you both lose contact now and get on with each others lives separately. Time will make it easier.
A
female
reader, Cinnafox  +, writes (20 July 2012):
People change and deal differently to betrayal.. you have to own up to your faults dating someone when she was considering about studying abroad. If she meant anything to you... you would have waited for her. She obviously has some issues she needs to deal with. time is a terrible thing to waste but then again all we have is time. take it as an experience and go!
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