A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a very complicated issue and need advice and an outsiders point of view.When my gf and I got together (2 years ago) she was open about the fact she was on anti depressants. I was ok with this as it seemed she was dealing with it. A few months in and I discovered she didn't take her medication properly (took at different times of day, drank alcohol with them, sometimes just didn't take them) so wasn't really giving them a fair chance. She complained that the meds weren't working and we had our first argument where basically I said the meds weren't working because she wasn't taking them properly or giving them a fair chance. I told her I'd only be willing to stay with her if she made a serious crack at getting help for her depression. She promised she would and started taking her pills religiously. They kicked in and started working. She promised shed get other help by trying some councelling and therapy and also hobbies. Other than the depression, everything was fine. She was my dream woman, the sex was great, she was really confident in herself which I find really attractive and before long we were in love. About 6 months into the relationship her depression got worse. She hadn't pursued councelling or therapy and wasn't doing any hobbies. She just sat around her flat, playing computer games. She stopped taking a pride in her appearance, let herself go, became snappy and stopped communicating. I couldn't walk away because I was in love with her and wanted her to get better. So I let it go and just tried to encourage her to go help. I managed to get her to go to a gp and access councelling and she was given a number to call. She didn't call for 3 months. Yes that annoyed me but I just wanted her better so I let that go too.When she did call the number she got put in to a therapy group. She didn't always go and this annoyed me but I knew the lack of motivation was part of the depression so I just tried not to make a big deal out of it. She always had an excuse. I knew it was the depression.Whilst part of the therapy group her depression got increasingly worse (she herself said the group wasn't her thing) and came to a head with her and I nearly breaking up. At one point, I was the only person who knew about her anti depressants, her self harming etc. When we broke up and I informed her brother - who I am close with - he snapped at me about how I could go from loving someone to wanting as far away from them as possible. I snapped back and told about the depression that I had promised to keep secret. He had no idea and came round and spoke to us both. My gf told her brother everything and I told him how I couldn't cope being the only person who seemed to be pushing her to get better. So her brother agreed to help, with my gfs agreement. Something her therapists had said was that she needed to go to a gym as she wasn't doing any acitivities. She said she couldn't go because of her asthma. At the time she was smoking 10 cigs a day so that really irked me again as it felt as though she was using any excuse under the sun to get out of making any sort of effort whatsoever to get better. Her brother told her to snap out of it anbd make the effort to get better and paid for a gym mebership and an entire gym wardrobe.She went for a bit but it slowly turned in to her lying to me saying shed go the next day and the next day and never actually going. Meanwhile shed not leave the house and complain she felt lethergic.Again we nearly broke up after she kept promising to do something about her depression which was quickly spiralling out of control. She became really snappy. She wouldn't take a bath or shower for a whole week and when if try to coax her to take an interest in personal hygiene shed errupt.I'm sure I'm coming across as a bitch here, but I love this woman very much. Walking away has never been an option but living with someone with depression is brutal. But I try. I really try. It feels as though the only person who didn't try was her.The biggest problem was the lies. Shed constantly say she was going to do something, usually something quite important, and then not do it because she instead chose to nap or play computer games or go on facebook. So I'd ask her not to make promises she couldn't keep and that I'd do the things instead. She promised she's do them but we just kept going around in circles. Promises to have a bath. Promises to phone letting agency or landlord. Promises to stop snapping at me. Promises to go to her therapy group.It was like she just didn't care. On numerous occasions her behavior just became unacceptable. I went through a cancer scare recently and she was away on work. So I travelled to see her early one morning, on her invitation, because I needed to be with her, and got there to find her so hungover in bed she couldn't talk without being sick. And the time I was nearly sexually assaulted on a train and I text her to ask her for help or to phone the police as I was stuck on the train with the man and her first response was to ask why I wasn't at the place I was supposed to be. I was running late. And the time, at a party, she showed naked photos of me to our mutual friends and some strangers.Admitedly that night I lost it big time and smashed up some stuff she had given me. I was beyond furious. Having depression isn't a justification for behaving like she was.But I still stayed. Now, nearly 2 years together, I had finally persuaded her to go to one on one therapy to try and get off her meds and lead a normal life. It took a lot of pushing and shoving from me and her brother but we got there. I finally thought we were getting somewhere. Then last night we had a massive row and a lot came out. The therapist she's been seeing, as it turns out, has been being told a pack of lies. My partner admitted shed pretty much told the therapist a one sided story, no mention of any of the things she's done which would really call her mental state into question (the naked photos, the lack of concern for my safety, the lies etc) and instead had "accidentally" (her words) painted me as a domestically abusive monster. She blamed it all on me. She told her therapist her depression is because of me and that I control her life. It feels like I've been stabbed in the back.I've done nothing but support her and help her. I've nearly left countless times but she always persuades me to stay promising to get help with her depression. She's crossed the line countless times and then for her to blame me for it all and suggest I'm emotionally abusing her is just absurd.I need an outsiders perspective. Please. Where do I go from here? I love her so much and when the depression isn't bad things r great, but recently its more bad than good. I'm orry for the length but I'm hoping someone out there has had or still does have a depressed partner. I'm struggling to cope and its as if she just isn't the woman I fell in love with anymore. Help. I'm not sure I can forgive anymore. It is destroying my own mental health as I no longer feel I can trust her.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): I am sadly thus woman in a different relationship! I needed to take my medication consistently at the same time, a b-vitamin, a multi vitamin, fish oil and a routine. Not sleeping in and going to bed at a reasonable hour are also key to success. Eating breakfast at the same time every day to start that routine was my first steps to getting better. I made every excuse you could think of but the most important thing was for my partner not to enable me because of guilt he was feeling. She needs a part time job, mine was in a gym as a receptionist even though I was qualified as an accountant. It changed my life, added the routine, made me associate with people and gave me back my confidence. I was like a child that needed to be punished when I did the wrong thing, as messes up as that sounds if I stayed in my room all day depressed and miserable by partner would leave me there until I started to prove to him that I wanted to help myself and I wanted the relationship! I took advantage of his softness and it made me sicker. You have to be the father figure of discipline and action not the nurturer or she will feed her depression and it will get worse! She does want to change especially when you know she does, she just doesn't know where to start and the most simple of tasks seem too exhausting! She just needs a kick up the bottom, some routine, discipline, mess, vitamins and exercise! It can happen, it has for me!
A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (20 July 2012):
 Ok, you need to give her an ultimatum. Sort herself out, or you will leave. And stick to it. No second chances anymore.
I suffer with severe depression, PTSD, and BPD. It sucks. But I have to help myself. Otherwise why should anyone else?
She needs to get her friends to help more and motivate her. If you want her to go to the gym, why not go with her. Why not drop her off at her therapy appointments and offer to go in with her?
There is however only so much one can do. If she truly does not want to help herself then you need to move on. It will hurt, but staying will only make things worse.
At the moment, you are feeding her behaviour. You are showing her that she can do what she wants and you will stick around. This needs to change, or she will never change.
Take control of the situation. Sometimes my friends have to kick me up the arse and literally force me to do something. But I always feel better int the long run, no matter how hard it was.
Also, make sure she has a good diet, takes a multi-vitamin and drinks plenty of water. This will help give her the fuel she needs to be able to get up and do something.
But you need to be prepared to walk away.
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