A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i was with a guy for at least three months and we were not an official couple because he was the coach of my volleyball team and we did not want the other team members to find out as it would be very complicated. Then there was the fact that his work would have him away for the next 5months or so, and due to the kind of work he does means there will be very little communication. He said that he really likes me and his friend has told me that he never stopped talking abiut me and that he was different with me than with any other girl, but i was told that he was with someone else and i confronted him and he said that he wasn't and that it was me he wanted to be with so i stayed with him until he went. It was very complicated from start to finish but he has always been in contact with me thw whole time and always made me feel like he did like me...Should i just move on and maybe when he gets back give it a go or forget about him altogether. Is it worth it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): Hi candleman,I appreciate you taking the time to read my question and answering in such great detail. The one thing i can tell you is that he does not have a girlfriend, he was single, the time we spent together did increase before he left but everything was so still hidden due to the team. He has now gone to work in Iraq with the army and thats why communication will be very little. Although he has contacted me already to say that he is there, which is good. Also, it was a male friend but he seems genuine, he said that he never saw him the way he was with me with any other girls, and that he spoke about me all the time. So how can i know only wait and see what happens when he gets back, right or wrong??? I just think that if you did not want to be with someone then why would you bother? Hidden or not would it not be easier to be out playing the field if that's what you wanted to do, can you get back to me again, your advice has been good and appreciated. Thanks candleman..
A
male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 My insticts are saying that you are getting played. One is never sure in life, but I definately would put my heart on hold and when the guy comes back push for more time. If you keep getting the same type of excuses then you know what's up. What's up = 1. he's using you. 2. reality made it go slow, and it will pick up. 3. he found something in you and is battling between you and gf.Excuse 1. Can't let the volleyball teammates find out. Real easy to say and understandable which makes it hard to figure what is real. Three months though is a long time, and the fact that you're relationship didn't progress too far indicates that you were perhaps easy prey in his eyes. Conversely, it would create tension among the team and perhaps hurt his reputation as far his contacts go. But, once he comes back, this issue isn't in the equation.Excuse 2The 'due to the kind of work' that he does is also something that is very 'fishy.' You go and work 12 hours, he can call you for 1 hour. It's just easier to say, "Wow, I'd love to talk to you, but man, my work is just too intense, I can't communicate that much." But, he has time for small types of communication which means the bulk of communications could be with his girlfriend. Conversely, since you two didn't really get to the next level, then the communication that is being given is normal, or you are making headway over the gf.These two excuses are something that puts the realtionship on hold, keeps it from progressing too far. It makes the likelihood of him using you a very potential reality, because it seems more than likely that if he was more into you, then in 3 months, the relationship would have gone farther. I keep saying that you are making headway over the gf. The way to judge this is did your time together increase or did it stay the same? Were there more signs of his affection, more words of endearment? Things that could point to a genuine increase in his affection. Because this is a very real possibility (headway over gf), but also the easiest ploy he'll have to keep you strung along once you demand more of his time and he is forced to admit to a gf.So that leaves the big question of who said that he had a girlfriend? Ideally it was you that was referenced, but if not, then...well, you know. In fact, if you can prove that he has, then you've caught him in a lie which leaves the questions, Do you want to try to 'outdo' this person or not? and Could you forgive this? And, are you willing to take the risk of him bull shitting you saying he's "eventually going to leave her." I hope not, but it's your life. I'm just trying to analyze. Also, if it was one of your volleyball teammates who said he had a gf, then obviously there's a good chance you are the one being referenced. Whoever this person is, go and ask them more about it if you can. As far as the gf factor, recall your time together. What clues are there if any that there could be a gf. Did you ever go to his place in the evening? Were there always certain times that you two did things? Times that could work into his free time from his gf? Did he give you his landline phone number if he has one? Did you ever spend the night together (especially at his place)? (In fact, this one is key and a good indication that he has a gf. If you two hit it off really well, then you should be spending your nights together.)As far as what his friend said. If it was a guy friend, then he could have been helping his friend keep getting laid with you. That is a classic line, the difference w/ you than w/ any other girl. If this was a girl that said it, then more stock can be placed in this statement. In summation, it seems like you are being played, but unless you find out if there is another, then you can't be 100% sure. If you can't determine if he has gf before he gets back, then put your heart on hold and see what happens at that time. If you keep getting the same old excuses for dragging the relationship on, then you can figure he's using you. Do not accept any more exuses. Either he can take it to the next level, or not. If he comes out and admits he has a gf, then well, I've stated what I prefer you do, but again, it's your call.(Hopefully someone else less mysterious comes along before he comes back.)Good Luck to You
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