A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Was I just the 'work girlfriend?'A new guy starting working at my office 5 months ago and I was assigned to work closely with him. We hit it off straight away but while I was professional but friendly because it was work and I didn't know him that well, he seemed more interested. Inviting me for coffee breaks, poppping by my office, asking for my number, glances and smiles etc. He dropped hints about being single and asked me leading questions to find out if I was too.So, because I did really like him, especially the more time I spent with him, and he seemed to be giving me the signals, I upped my game a bit. I'd invite him for lunch, I dropped by his office more, I made him laugh and laughed at his jokes, I smiled at him, I was always pleased to see him, I asked about his life outside work and was interested in what he had to say, but I was wary of putting myself too far out there because we worked together and by this point were sharing an office. We get on really really well as friends and can chat about anything. He asks my opinion on personal stuff as well as work and I didn't want to ruin that.In turn he seemed to increase the flirting. Telling me I looked good (once openly looking from head to toe and then grining at me) commenting on my clothing, giving me secret smiles across the room when in meetings, little touches on the arm or the back when we were talking or going through a doorway etc. Sitting closer, telling me to sit closer if we were discussing something, playfully kicking my shoe if I was sitting with my legs crossed and it was hanging off my foot. Faking trying to tip me off my chair, playfully hitting me over the head when I made a smart remark etc etc. But, he never took it any further and asked me out. A few times he seemed like he was going to ask me out but bottled it at the last second. E.g.Him: I'm thinking about going to this concert on Saturday but I don't have tickets yet.Me: Tell me about it, who's playing? Wow, it sounds really good, you should definitely get tickets.Him: Do you have plans for the weekend?Me: Only Friday, my Saturday is completely free!Him: Oh, so what's happening on Friday?Me: Oh, just dinner with some friends (thinking, what does that matter?)Him: Tell me about it - who's going, where is it?He never went back to the subject of the concert or asking me to go!So I wasn't sure. I felt pretty confident he like me on some level but something was stopping him from taking it further. Maybe the working together thing, which was my concern too.Then on Monday this week, he gets a phone call in the office and tells them he'll call them back after work. I ask who it was, because he'd sounded different, really cheerful, and he 'ums and ahs' for a bit and then says just a friend, Jane. I say 'oh Jane, which friend was she again? - knowing full well he's never mentioned her. He goes on to tell me they met online and went for a first date last week and she wants to see him this week too. However he also met up with another girl who keeps texting him but he didn't think they really clicked.I was gutted. Tried not to show it but couldn't help it. I do remember saying he should tell the second girl if he wasn't interested because it wasn't fair. He said he knew, he just hadn't got around to it yet. I told him, well you can't string her along and date 2 people at once. He asked if I was jealous because he'd been on 2 dates and I hadn't! I just looked shocked and said, that's not really the point!I'd said I would give him a lift to the station after work that day and in the car he brought it up again, saying it was completely innocent, they just went for a drink, you have to see if you click with people etc etc, nothing happened, just meeting up in person. Really seemed to be hammering the point home about it being not serious. Then he said 'are you ok, you have this weird expression on your face?'. I just told him I was fine and he shouldn't forget to phone Jane back. But it came out very sarcastic and I felt bad. He got out the car and just said see you tomorrow.I decided to just get it over with and tell him, it might be my last chance, but honesty is the best policy. So I texted him (we do text sometimes, so that wasn't odd in itself):Me:"For the record, if you had asked I would have said yes. That's what my expression meant in the car, I was just too chicken to say. Pretty certain I shouldn't have just said it now either, in which case please ignore and don't let it affect work - I won't, and I won't ever mention it again, ever. I can totally do colleagues/work friends. Just felt I owed you an explanation for my snarkyness...."His reply:"Ah, that makes me look a bit insensitive.....sorry about that. Anyway, trust me, you only get the edited highlights of me at work. I think it's better if we're a bickering work double act...."My reply back:"Don't worry about it, but bickering, surely not? See you tomorrow...."The next day neither of us made any mention of it. We shared the office as usual, chatted about anything other than that and were just friends. more than work colleagues but good friends. I noticed though that he changed his behaviour. He was friendly and matey, but there was nothing that could be thought of as flirting now.I would say I just read him wrong, but no guy has acted that way and not been interested. I didn't make up the flirtatious stuff he was doing. Other people also noticed and thought we were dating. So I really don't understand why when I gave him a green light he turned me down.Was I just someone he could have fun flirting and banter with to brighten his work day? Or was there something more to it? He obviously knew he had behvaing like that, or he wouldn't have changed his behaviour today... Or is he just a jerk?!
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at work, flirt, jealous, met online, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 Work relationships are usually a brief flirtatious event,sounds like he bailed.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): He was just having a laugh at work, practising his flirt technique maybe..if he's chatting up and dating online he's not in the serious relationship mode at the moment.
Now you have expressed a romantic interest he's cooled it down. He probably doesn't want work n romance to overlap, the way the job market is he's a wise man as if it went wrong it would be very awkward.
I am sure he likes you but as a 'mate' not a date.He's been honest with you too which shows respect.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 I agree it just sounds to me like he sees you as a friend and nothing more. Yes he likes you as a person and enjoys a bit of harmless flirting with you in the office but I think that's all it is. Yes it may have seemed to you like he was interested in you but I guess that was just his personality. I guess you just need to accept now that nothing will happen between the both of you and move on however annoying it is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): I think he likes you as a person, as a friend, but no more and he didn't mislead you. The problem when you pursue a man is you are trying to make things happen, reversing the natural order of things...man pursues woman! You'll also never know if he would have flirted on his own initiative or was he just responding to you to not look like a jerk? Since you were the pursuer in this, you now know what men go through all the time and how difficult rejection is. Men value anything they have to work for, a woman they have to win over. Your assertiveness was definitely effective in getting his friendship, but I don't think initially the attraction was there for him. I have the feeling you started coming on stronger when he didn't act in line with your assumption that he did like you. I think this is what you mean by upping your game. Upping your game is something a man does when he is trying to win someone over and get a date. He could have been a jerk and saw this as an opportunity to use you as a filler until he met someone he was really interested in and that would have made him a jerk but he didn't do that. What is probably going on in his head is he is extremely confused at why you would be upset when he never led you on, never asked you out. Generally men are very straight forward and try not to give mixed signals and he appears to be one of those men. In the future, you probably want to do a self check or reality dosage when no dating is happening yet you still think someone likes you.
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