A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:so, in terms of problems it isn't really huge but, i been with my boyfriend for a year now and there this thing that has been nagging my mind for quite some time now. he was my best friend of 5 years before we got into a relationship and in those years he had a girlfriend who was super demanding and high maintance and controlling.He always complained about it how he always had to do everything for her. That relationshp came to an end and we started dating and i tried/try not to be controlling or demanding but in the year we've been dating he like never says let go out or takes me to dinner or even suggest that we do something other than sit and go to the movies or sit at home. Yesterday was our first anniversery of a year and he knows that Firsts are a big deal for me yet when i asked him a few day in before hand if there were any plans he said he had made some with his friend to give a surprise and that he would leave me at 5o'clock .yeah that obviously made me mad, but i remained calm and talked to his sister(a.k.a my best friend) and vented to her. when our anniversery rolled around we got into a fight. i was telling him how i didnt like it that he went and made plans with his friend.That i wished he would at least been planned something for us.He doenst want every event to fall on his shoulders he said that i hadn't suggested something so why should he that if i wanted to do something i should have said it and said what i wanted to do. is it wrong for me to want him to take thing like that on his shouders and that he would like surprise me for our anniversery and whisk me off to places that he would want to do that instead of feeling obligated and forced. because he does know that i love that kind of romantic stuff
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (2 March 2015):
 I agree totally with Honeypie! You shouldn't be worrying about being like his ex, and you shouldn't be deliberately trying to avoid doing the things that she did to just make him happy.
Surprises, dates, anniversaries are all parts of being in relationships... its a part of being romantic and attempting to make your partner feel good... its not controlling to expect that, and it definitely isn't controlling to yearn for that.
He isn't a mind reader, so you should tell him if there is something you want to do.. let him know you want him to be romantic with you! Tell him where you want to go and maybe even try to arrange a date with him... but everyone needs a little bit of direction.. but at the same time there are some things he should automatically think of doing for you!
May I ask as well... when he was with his last girlfriend, what exactly did he moan about? Did he moan about her wanting him to take her our to nice places? Or was it something a lot different than that? Because if he did leave her because like you, she expected him to do nice things with her, then he is basically saying that when a partner expects a little bit of romance, that it is controlling... and trust me it isn't.
I also would be irritated if he went out on our 1 year anniversary because for anyone that is normally a rather big milestone in someones relationship... but may I ask.. did you plan anything for him? Because you must remember that relationships are two way things... you expect to be whisked off to romantic places.. and he probably would expect the same.
I think you should try and incorporate going out into your daily routine... let him know you want to go out for dinner, and plan it as something that you BOTH want to do. A lot of the time some men aren't the romantic types.. so they don't think about these things and if you want it, you need to tell him, such as maybe with the anniversary as if you didn't plan to do something with him, he may of got the message that you weren't to bothered about it.
Relationships, sadly aren't like fairytales... every woman dreams of being taking out on mystery dates to exotic places.. but a lot of the time things like that just doesn't happen, not everyone thinks in that way and normally doing nice things with partners requires planning and direction. I think you should tell him a bunch of things you'd like too do.. you should tell him that you'd appreciate a bunch of flowers every now and then, and you'd like him to plan a surprise date for you in the future.. and maybe you could also do the same for him?
Give it a go... let him know what you want and see if he is willing to do things like that for you :) Hopefully he will understand and be more romantic in the future... you however should also be just as romantic back and plan to do something he likes as a surprise. Good luck x
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 March 2015):
 I think the mistake was turning it into a fight. Is it too late now to celebrate after you know he's the passive kind and waiting for you to tell him what to do? After a heated argument you are in no mood to celebrate. An anniversary doesn't have to be on the exact date but if you want someone to sweep you off your feet and be treated like a princess, he's not it.
Maybe he got with you after he broke up with his high maintenance girlfriend, thinking that you stuck by him as a friend you are more supportive and less demanding. The relationship could even be a rebound.
He said his ex was demanding when in fact he looks at girls as something to fill his time whenever his friends are busy. After their break up you stepped up to fill that empty spot. If that's the case he's not at a stage to be in a romantic relationship. A relationship requires a man who has outgrew the need to do boyish activities and solo adventures. You would see that men who can pour a heart into a relationship are those that say, "I've had my fun and now I want to settle down." Before then relationships only serve as a hindrance or annoyance against this pursuit. He is acting his age so his behavior is to be expected. There is a reason why women say they mature faster than boys and a naturally nurturers. Also a reason why teen girls like older men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): All I get from this is:
He made an effort for her, even if he described her as being "demanding" and "high-maintenance".
You were friends for such a long time, he did not feel the need. Well, guess what? You are not "just friends" any more so he has to make an effort.
Oh,and,btw, don't vent to your best friend about her brother! That's her BROTHER! If you had to choose between a friend (even a best one) or your SISTER/BROTHER which would you choose and whose side will you take?
I'll give you a clue- most likely the side of the one you'll be spending Xmases with for the foreseeable future... Not the one that might come and go.
It's harsh,but I'm trying to help-if you want to keep your best friend in your life (even if a break up does occur) find someone to vent to about your bf...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 March 2015):
 I can tell you right now what your biggest mistake has been..
Let me quote you:
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"He always complained about it how he always had to do everything for her.
That relationship came to an end and we started dating and i tried/try not to be controlling or demanding"
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Don't TRY and be something you are not in order to please him. Wanting to go out to dinner TOGETHER, GO on DATES is NOT being demanding or controlling.
It's like a guy telling his GF that his EX was a terrible cook and messy, so the new GF thinks she HAS to excel at cooking and cleaning. BUT SHE DOESN'T, she has to be who she is.
NEVER EVER (I will repeat) NEVER EVER compete with an ex. Don't try and be "better than her". BE YOU.
So, instead of expecting him to READ your mind and DO something FABULOUS for your 1st anniversary - YOU should have TALKED to him and said, HEY I think our first anniversary is a BIG deal and I want us to do something FABULOUS - want to plan it with me? Or do you want to surprise me? Or me to surprise you?
TALK to him. He is NOT a mind reader.
And DO not feel you are being DEMANDING because you want to be courted. BUT remember it goes both ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): He was your best friend for five years, and you didn't know he's not the romantic-type?
Some guys don't have a clue how to be romantic, don't see the significance of anniversaries, don't care about anyone's birthdays other than their own; or think being romantic is being mushy, or a sissy. They just don't have a sentimental-bone in their bodies. It was probably never taught to him by his dad, his parents probably don't make a big deal of such things; so I guess the ball is in your court.
I'll tell you and direct this advice to every single or committed-female out there. If you've dated a guy for any length of time, and notice he doesn't do anything particularly romantic; or seems awkward at it, don't expect him to suddenly become some kind of Prince Charming.
Be logical. Pick the guy who already has the the kind of traits and attributes you want in a man. It's not an after-thought ladies!!! Dating is the trial-period to determine if he is considerate, respectful, romantic, sexy, and affectionate. If one of these is missing, you've been short-changed. Don't expect him to sprout it later.
My gut-feeling is you got romantic-feelings first, and decided to see where it goes. He went along with it. The guy in these kind of switchover relationships feels mainly sexual; and he can live with being friends with benefits for awhile. In this case, being romantic could be forced.
To you and all ladies; if you're into the knuckle-dragging macho brute or bad-boy kind of guy. He isn't going to display prissy lovey-dovey snugly-behavior he thinks compromises his macho-image. He'll show sweet clumsy gestures of his affection, buy you presents, and give you surprises once in a while; but anniversaries over being together a year would seem silly. Most guys (romantic or not) don't sense the significance of "anniversaries for every little thing!" That is because they don't mean the same thing to men, as they mean to women. Well...we gay men might get it! Not always!
If a guy always happens to remember "every" anniversary, birthday, holiday, and special day in your life. It just means he has a good assistant, it's in his smartphone, or you nag a lot. It's because they are avoiding a meltdown. Left up to us, it's not that great of a deal. We daily celebrate the fact we're still even together and happy for any length of time. Picking one day out of many; just makes more sense to the girl than to a guy.
Even though you may have only been in a "romantic-relationship" for a year; in his mind, you've been together much longer than that. He didn't see that as some special thing to celebrate. You've always been there. Excuse him, he's a guy!
Sit-down and tell him what kinds of things you find romantic in a guy. Always let your partner know exactly what your needs are, and find-out what his are. He needs lessons; because he doesn't seem to know. He also grew-up with you; and I'm sorry, but you may seem almost like a sister to him. I'd even venture to say, you may feel more romantic-feelings toward him; than he does toward you. Which I believe is really at the root of the problem. That's a risk you take, when turning a once-platonic friendship into a romance.
Have a talk, and see if that helps. Pouting and having an attitude is immature. Use that energy in a positive-way.
If he's not good at romantic-stuff; maybe you've chosen the wrong guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): An ex of mine went on about his 'previous girlfriend being demanding- and how he spent all his money on expensive gifts and dates etc that she insisted on. Which I learnt was basically his way of telling me that I would be paying for everything and should not expect him to give too much of a crap.
It's not about dates and lavish displays of effection, but something like remembering to spend 50p on an anniversary card, (or showing up at all!) means alot.
If the romance is dead already and he can't make an effort at the one year mark, I would be saying 'goodbye' !
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 March 2015):
 This guy has given you clear indication of where you stand in his hierarchy of life's goings-on.
Only YOU can decide if you want to be "second fiddle," at best.....
Good luck....
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