A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im nearly 40 and desperate for a child i am in a stable position financially and emotionally and have a big support network around me. i met a guy on a night out we met a few times and exchanged numbers but he became a bit odd as tho he had never had a girlfriend and after 5 mins he was declaring his love for me. i told him to back off because it was too much and he was too intense. i know its wrong to use someone but i feel like using him to get pregnant ? should i ? i dont want nasty replies if you were in my shoes and desperate you would understand more. what else can i do if i dont do this ? adoption isnt an option its taking my friends 3 years and they are still waiting
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): That would be a horrible thing to do. Use another person like that. You are thinking of doing something so selfish, putting your non-necessary desires above the livelihood of this man and a future child's needs.
Do not have a baby this way. Go to a fertility clinic or take steps to start the process of adoption. It is unfair to everyone else in the scenario you propose. Do the right thing, even if it is hard.
40 is not too late to have a baby IVF or adopt one. Freeze some eggs too.
P.S., I am also currently pushing 40 and childless.
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (2 March 2015):
I am in your situation - or even a more desparate one if you like in that I'm now over 40 and still childless (and partnerless)The same thoughts have crossed my mind many times - but I've never acted on them because it's totally unethical to use somebody for "stud" without their consent.It's especially unethical if this guy is claiming love for you as by sleeping with him (and possibly bearing his child) you are manipulating his emotions.Did you plan to co-parent with this man or just have sex with him and then "disappear" once conception happens? If you planned on co-parenting with him, how will you feel about being connected to this guy for life - because you will be connected together by virtue of your child so he'd always be part of your life. And in the short space of time that you've known him, he's already shown you some red flags.If you planned on not involving the father - how did you plan to end the relationship once you had conceived? And how would you plan to let your child know the story of their parentage when they start asking? Although absent fathers are always hard to explain to a child - this would be even harderIf you want a child, investigate the possibility of artificial insemination by donor. Or look into adoption. Or find a gay friend/couple who you feel able to co-parent with
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): LOL.Ok, my dear, I'm not gonna give a "nasty" reply,but it was funny. Not you,but how you described the guy.As if he is meat. A sperm donor only and nothing else (oh,have you considered using one of the actual SPERM donors-as in the people who have agreed to this and whose sperm you can buy?)If you're financially stable buying somebody's sperm shouldn't be a problem.It doesn't sound like you are attracted to that guy-do you at least like his looks? Coz,you know, your baby could look like him...If I have to be completely honest-I know that gut wrenching feeling of wanting a baby. I was told at 19 that if I don't have one before I'm 25,well that's it. It is doneWell,that's it for me.You still have a chance.TBH, if I were in your shoes I'd totally go for it (but I wouldn't expect the guy to be there, to "love" me or to have a family. Neither would I try to emotionally blackmail him later...So IF anything happens from a one-night stand (nearly impossible) or a couple of shags,I'd sever contact with him and keep it all to myself IF I was that desperate).And I know that feeling of desperation only too well...But,I'd do it with someone I find beyond attractive,someone who is smokin'!!! Why? Coz I'd want to give as many advantages as I can to my child, and let's face it, this world is becoming shallower by the second...And looks seem to count for many,many people...Apart from that,I did a bit of research when I needed it- apparently (if I remember correctly) they are 3 types of sperm and when you get artificially inseminated it could be with any of the 3 types.Whereas,if you do it the natural way,well... you get natural selection so to speak and that is there for a reason.At least that's what I was told.But,really,BEST options: close male friend (so agreeing), gay friend or one of those websites for people who both want a family. That way everybody is willing and you have access to your child's medical history (i.e. genetic things can be passed down and is best to keep in good relations with the father).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 March 2015):
 No. Actually... ABSOLUTELY no way.
You already got a weird vibe from and and his declaration of "love" after 5 minutes, having his BABY? That would be.. well, nuts.
If you have a child with this man, he CAN come back with a claim to "share" raising her/him and that way stay in your life whether you want him there or not.
I'd go the artificial insemination with a "donation" from a sperm-bank with a unknown donor over this dude.
One of my good friend went through the process when she was 39 and had a gorgeous daughter a year later.
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