A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I just want to ask for some ideas about something that happened last year. It was one of the most shameful episodes of my life but am haunted by a question about it.I was really depressed over 'unrequited feelings'to do with a guy and ended up in a shabby arrangement with a co-worker who offered to help me with a problem and it ended up with us making out several times in a back room at work. We didn't have sex but I gave him oral sex in our last time together. It was sick and sordid and I take full responsibility for my part, but it was one of the lowest points in my life.He said there could be no attachment, but kept hinting that 'he was trying hard not to get attached.' There was nothing to show he was getting attached, believe me. He wouldn't kiss me, hold me, or anything. No texts or calls, no dates or going out anywhere. I don't know why I kept going back - I was just so low at the time, so hungry for some attention. Pathetic.He admitted taking advantage of me, admitted he'd seen I was vulnerable and decided to 'help out'. This came out later.After our last time, when I gave the oral sex, I said, what now? He said, we go back to how things were. I asked about the future, he said we'll see, can't think about that now, need to focus on work. Then he said he'd never forget me. Obviously it was over, but he didn't have the guts to say it.I was angry at his lack of honesty so wrote him a letter about that and put it in his pigeonhole at work. I said quite a few things, like how I hadn't really enjoyed what went on, I didn't like or respect him any more (or myself) it was over, and why couldn't he have been more honest with me. I also said that I got into the 'relationship' basically because I was getting over another man.I thought that was that, but he came back to talk to me about that letter. He seemed upset, though he denied it. He said I'd got it wrong, that he'd left it open. He said I was way off base. He said the oral sex was one of the most fantastic experiences he'd had at work. He said again he was trying hard not to get attached, and hinted that 'we might've had potential.' He said a lot of other things but I can't recall now. I just remember feeling confused and off balance. He'd intimated it was over, so why was he saying this stuff? This is the question that keeps coming back to my mind. Was he manipulating me?Thankfully, I avoided him after that and wouldn't talk to him any more. At least I had enough sense to do that.He's left work now, thank God, and I have moved on mostly. This whole thing from start to finish messed with my head for a long time, and I've had some counselling. But I'd like some input from others as to what they think about him coming back after that letter as it still troubles me sometimes.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 Seriously, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!
It's not a shameful thing to tap into your sexuality. I kinda think you used each other - he used you for some excitement at work, and you used him as medicine to get over your unrequited feelings for another man. You realized that fooling around with another man didn't help. There's no shame in that.
I think what you're feeling is that you acted against your own values. You're not one for casual sexual encounters at work, and you're embarrassed. You feel that this guy used you under false pretenses (you wanted attention, he took advantage). It's a learning experience, and all of us have had them, and all of us will continue to have them.
It's healthy that you've had counselling. I'm more interested in this unrequited thing you had that made you feel vulnerable in the first place. All of us have had that feeling too. It doesn't make you less desirable or that there is something wrong with you. Don't let those feelings drive you to desperation.
Instead of focusing on the mistake you feel you made, focus on ways to better yourself and channel those negative feelings into positive self-improvement. You have an advantage if you're creative - artist, musician, orator. Even if you're not, doing something positive is the perfect medicine for you. You have the right to take joy out of life, to seek a thrill, to awaken a passion. Look ahead instead of obsess about your past.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 ' He said he'd left it open' lol...typical bloke speak for keeping his finger in the pie.
Have no regrets, you did the right thing, he just knew exactly what to say to cast just enough doubt and leave you wondering...but where is he?...gone!!
We all do stuff we arn't proud of and we all mostly get over it.
Stop punishing yourself, it was a low point, but now life has moved on.
Chin up...it's a whole new year xxx
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (1 January 2014):
Happy NEW YEAR. We all make mistakes in our past. That is why it is called our past. We learn, we grow. We learn some hard lesson that we will not repeat (hopefully) again.
No matter what age we are at we want to be loved, liked, wanted, needed. Stop beating yourself over something that you can't change. Move on. When the negative thoughts pop in your head, recognize them and re-direct. It takes practice. You will get there.
You are not a bad person. You are not stupid. Learn and move on. It is a NEW YEAR. Embrace all 2014 has to offer you.
Cheers
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 January 2014):
 Yes he was manipulating him and you were letting him do it, because you were HOPING for more.
He didn't say that blowjob was the best he ever had, just that it was the most fantastic experiences he'd had at work - well probably means he hasn't had another BJ at work. And with that I'm guessing he wouldn't mind more sex from you, he dangled the whole we could have been good together because he KNEW that YOU were hoping for more. But giving a half-ass promise or hint at it perhaps being possible maybe you would have put out more for him.
You can blame him all you want. I get that you were vulnerable and he took full advantage of it, but YOU kept it going to. It takes two to have a "thing" or whatever you want to call it. And YOU did end it when you felt like it wasn't RIGHT for you.
So my advice, STOP beating yourself up over this. Put it in the past.
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