A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can someone please help, as my head is in a mess. I’ve being friends with a guy for the past year. I met him through work and we really got on well. We don’t work together all the time just occasionally. The past couple of months we’ve being messaging and talking nearly every day, we laugh, we joke, we discuss work and have being really close. We decided to arrange a night out. Me, him and another colleague. That day, the other colleague said she couldn’t make it, so we said yeah that’s okay we will still go out. He came to mine, brought his overnight clothing, which I took it then, that he was staying at mine. We went out for drinks and food had a really good night but ended up both being very drunk. He started telling me he liked me from the start and how we got on well. I told him to shut up as he was drunk. We went back to mine and we ended up sleeping together. Not once, but twice. The next morning we laughed it off but then he didn’t want to get up and was cuddling me in an stuff. I felt uncomfortable but said nothing. He left later that day and for a couple of days everything was fine back to chatting like normal. Now, he barely messages or goes on line but doesn’t read mine or I don’t message him for a few days then he messages me with short blunt conversations. Or he goes to full on messaging then nothing for days. I’m trying to be as normal like we were before as in the good friendship but he’s not. I don’t want a relationship with him I want the friendship back. It’s messing with my head and I feel like I’m going to tell him to go to hell but I don’t want to fall out over this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2020): Simple! Sex was incidental, because two people got drunk and lowered their inhibitions. He's making it clear to you that you're not in a relationship; or he had no interest in a relationship just because you had sex. Don't believe what people say under the influence of alcohol.
If you regret having sex, consider the fact that you're two adults; and adding alcohol to the situation and then going home together creates an atmosphere conducive to sex.
Now, put distance between you. Ignore him when he texts or messages you. Become more nonchalant about the whole deal; and things will return to some semblance of normal.
You were not played, you consensually had sex; and now you're feeling remorse. You feel you should get more out of the deal. He's letting you know that wasn't the original plan.
If that's not suitable to you; then cut all ties, and have nothing further to do with him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2020): You are making way too much of an issue of this for you to just want to be friends with him. Who are you kidding?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2020): I want you to know that I understand your situation. It's not your fault and It doesn't mean you are a bad person.It f you can consult a medium please do so because you need messages of love from your relatives in spirit.This is a very difficult time for you and every bit of confirmation that you are a good person helps.It's just the he is not the man for you.It's hard after intimacy to accept this guy is not someone for your future life but you intuitively knew he wasn't the one.Try to get medical help if you can't sleep at nights because this is not worth looking sleep over. Explore your own spirituality and intuitive skills.You can get beyond this uncomfortable situation.The attraction was transient and you need someone who has different qualities.Trust me that you will find this person.You need rock solid love, not drunken pas sion.Be good to yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2020): This is all about mixed messages.Firstly you arranged to go out as a threesome!Now why would you do that!It wasn't an all round work colleague arrangement.It was either crossed wires or you were fixing up a threesome.Wisely the other woman dropped out.There was obviously some expectation of sex at the end of the night or the guy wouldn't arrive at your place ( possibly directly from work) with an overnight bag.Or if he did intend to just sleep on the couch to avoid travelling why didn't you tell him right at the beginning that's where he would be sleeping and you would see him at work later after he's got himself up and out.You didn't have to offer him your bed and your body.I really think this is a case of one guy and two women, both a bit flirty and interested and he was going to 'pick' one to go back with for the night.Or two, in his wildest dreams.I think he regretted the night afterwards and having spent the night with you he realised that he also had feelings for the other woman!You also felt it was nothing more than a drunken night rather than the start of a romantic future together.It is uncomfortable for you right now because you can't turn the clock back and in a way the only thing you can do is to put the matter to rest by acting as if it never happened.You could also look at changing jobs.Perhaps I have got this all wrong but I've heard of other people in similar situations and moving on emotionally is all you can do.Friendship is gone.The potential relationship is gone.So seek outside help from friends and family to move on.There is a guy out there who will make a good partner for you, so focus on that.Have a word with the other female if you think she is the guys future partner and apologise to her for letting things go too far.Also apologise to the guy.You have to be the better person in of all this because you need to survive it without loosing your self esteem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2020): "I’m trying to be as normal like we were before .."
You want to put the toothpaste back in the tube. You can't.
Friends who have sex, drunk or not, have that special bond forever.
You want "like before" which is impossible. Have a FWB relationship or end it, but don't burn bridges by telling him to go to hell. Maybe reenact that night, drink far less, and see if ends the same, or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2020): This guy was never a friend! Jeez. He chatted to you now and then when bored or when he liked the idea of getting into bed with you and thought he had a chance of uncomplicated quick sex. And it worked!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2020): One of the things I find very odd here. You say he came over to go out with you for the evening and brought his stuff so he can stay over night. I don't remember you saying that you invited him to stay over night, he seemed to assume he could and that you wanted him to. What does that tell you? It tells you that he was taking you for granted. And thought you were an easy lay.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 October 2020):
 You posted recently ( Oct. 13th ) about this episode with this guy and I don't think you are going to get different answers.
As for me, for instance, I still think that his standoffish behaviour seems to confirm that he does not want you to get " ideas ", or that you catch "feelings " : it was just a night of drunken fun. ( You keep bringing up that he wanted to cuddle " after " , as if this had to have some special , intimate meaning- don't they all, don't WE all cuddle a bit
after doing the deed ?. What kind of a lout just pulls his socks back on, and is out of the door ? ).ù
I know that you are upset becaus you want your easy, comfortable friendship back, but , you see, that dynamics were changed by the very fact of having had sex together, it's normal that there's some awkwardness , some distance now- and also, if you think about it, in your friendshiop there was a certain element of banter, of flirting, of not-really-romancing-but-almost.... that necessarily will disappear , now that the conquer has been effected, - but there's no will to engage in a romantic relationship.
In other words, he does not bother to be seductive, because the seduction happened already.
I' d leave him to his own devices. Just let him be without pushing for any dramatic, emotional tell-all . Probably that's the way he'll get convinced that you are a cool customer with your head on right, and naturally you'll go back to interact with more warmth and less embarassment.
But if he does not- ... aw come on, this guy IS a bit of a dick. Maybe even a full blown, total dick. Are you sure you need someone like him as your bosom buddy ??
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 October 2020):
 It sounds like its all got a bit messy. The first mistake was sleeping with him. Before the night out when he come over with his stuff you should have said he can't stay there the night.
I would just put this down to experience, ok you made a mistake. I would just keep your relationship strictly professional from now on. If its not to do with work, then don't have any contact with him at all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 October 2020):
 Did you ask this question a week ago?
You won't get different answers I'm afraid. You messed up when you made the choice to have sex.
Going back to being "just friends" is not realistic. For most people.
The fact that he has distanced himself is probably because he LIED to get you in bed. He doesn't WANT you to start catching feelings for him.
I think you need to step back from this. Friendships and casual sex don't really mix.
Unless you HAVE to talk to him for work, I would block him. And take this as a lesson is WHAT NOT to do again.
If you HAVE to talk to him for work, stick to work conversations only, don't reply or ask anything personal.
I think you are perhaps a little disappointed that he didn't LIKE you as much as he said he did, or that you slept with him and it went nowhere...
He sounds like a dick.
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