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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I made contact with an old childhood friend on Facebook...we are both in our 40s now and it was nice to catch up on what had happened in our lives.We are both married and we would chat everyday....he said he suffered from depression, I felt sorry for him but later started to get attached...I couldn't help it....we had met up for a coffee, and kissed each other on the cheek when we said goodbye so nothing sexual took place...this had been going on for 2 months....he told me he would drive past my house to see if he could see me at my front window and once he followed me briefly on his motorbike when I was going to work...I did think it was a bit strange so asked him why he was doing this? He apologised and say he wanted to see me....he said he was falling for me.Anyway his wife has found out about our friendship and now thinks we have been having an affair although we haven't. He has now deleted my phone number and he has deleted his Facebook account....he said his wife is angry with him...and that he will stop communicating with me because he doesn't want all his problems on my doorstep. I can understand that but I'm missing him....I know he has to sort out his marriage but I am worried about him. What shall I do? I guess I have been kidding myself thinking I only saw him as a friend but feel sad that he might not contact me at all and that's it.....Do you think he was falling for me? Or just a distraction from his marriage?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 You are feeling so low because holidays are over.
Have you ever taken a one week break to some fancy, exotic location...just laying belly up on the beach.. being served intriguing cocktails and tasty new foods by attentive servants... no work, no responsibilties , no housechores...
And, then, voila', it's Monday morning, it rains, you've got to go to the office, do laundry, take your kid to the dentist, visit in laws or meet up old friends... it 's not a terrible life, of course, in fact it's a good one probably, but it's same old same old, day in day out.... stable and safe, and with secure affections you can count on, but , not immune from drudgery and monotony and stress... not a Caribbean vacation...
You feel bad because you have post vacation Monday morning blues. Actually, deep down you know perfectly that you would not want to LIVE in a Caribbean resort for the rest of your life, you know you'd get fed up pretty soon, the novelty would wear off at some point, you'd miss all you have left behind. But right now you miss the excitement and the new sights.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 If this is OP's followup question, then here is the answer.
*****If this was just a fantasy for me, then why am I feeling so low?***
Have you ever had a GREAT Dream? and then work up? That is what happened to you.
YOU are BORED or UNHAPPY with your own marriage so reaching out to someone in the past MOMENTARILY cheered you up, you felt "swept up" in the moment of lust and attention - now that he backed off you are BACK in your OWN reality - and hopefully YOU learned a lesson.
Having an EMOTIONAL affair will not fix the things you are unhappy or bored with in your marriage. ONLY you and YOUR husband can do that.
Being married takes work, being in a relationship takes work. And when thing break down, gets tedious, repetitious, boring, *insert how you feel* - then you NEED to figure out WHY and TALK to your partner and then FIND a solution.
If you CAN'T then divorce is always an option. Once you are SINGLE again and the divorce complete THEN you can consider dating again, JUST for your own sake ans sanity, don't "date" or seek out married men. It usually end up in a big old mess.
I'm actually a little surprised that someone your age can't figure this out on her own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Let me sum it up.He married his wife for various reasons thinking that she will be good with money,she is beautiful,she will be a great homemaker and so on.The one thing he didn't count on was how dull and uninteresting she would turn out to be.
So he goes around talking to girls who are interesting.He is never going to leave her for you.
Have some respect.If you are unhappy in your current relationship,leave it.Be true to yourself.Chalk it up as a lesson.Life is too short to stay unhappy for long.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 March 2014):
 You're married, right?? Did your husband know you were seeing this guy? Did you text, call, or have any conversation with this guy that you would NOT want your husband to see??
You were cheating on your husband in an emotional affair with this guy. Your relationship with your husband is the only thing that matters here, well that and your level of faithfulness to him. *YOU* were the one who searched for the guy on Facebook and YOU were the one who was getting attached to him.
Another thing, this guy sounds a bit obsessive stalker. Driving by your house, following you around, no wonder his wife discovered things. He sounds like a creeper.
You need to stop thinking about the new guy's "falling for you" status and start being true to your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): If this was just a fantasy for me, then why am I feeling so low?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2014):
No wonder the wife got upset. I know you try and make it sound so innocent, but "falling" for someone isn't innocent, is it? Specially when you are both married.
How would you feel if your husband was meeting up with old "friends" from Facebook?
And I agree with Auntie Oldbag, you were a fantasy and so was he (for you.) And when REALITY hit the fan, (aka the wife found out) he dropped you like a rock, because he knows what he has and don't want to lose it. (AKA his marriage)
How about YOU focus on YOUR marriage and figure out why you seem to think your actions are totally OK?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 March 2014):
But you sort of HAVE been having an affair- an emotional affair, and I understand how his wife is not thrilled.
" Catching up " every day for two months ... meeting for coffee, ( on the sly, I imagine, without mentioning it to your spouses )... you falling for him... he falling for you... I am not surprised that his wife wanted to nip that in the bud,- and that he has been sensible enough to comply .
Was it fantasy, was it real ? I vote definitely for fantasy. He was depressed, needed something jolting him out of the rut he felt stuck in. ( And you too, I think ) Even the best marriages are subject to the wear and tear of quotidianity, so what's a fast cheap safe way to get ourselves that excitement, that thrills , that romance that we may lack on our daily life ?... Facebook of course ! with its easy convenient accessible blasts from the past.
He probably felt a vague insatisfaction, as if something " exciting " is missing from his life- and you too, I think. The focus is on the missing sensation, not on the other person. If it hadn't been you , it would have been another old schoolmate or something.
Luckily he has been wise enough to backpedal and, hopefully, go find other more suitable,mature ways for a married person to make his life interesting and his love life fulfilling again. And , hopefully, you'll do the same.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (11 March 2014):
 You were a distraction, a fantasy in a way,nothing more.
As you are both married then chatting on Facebook every day was bang out of order. That's more developing a relationship than 2 old mates catching up (in my opinion)
Now, stop the mooning about and do what he is doing, focus on your marriage and forget him. There is a gap or problem in your life or relationship that needs fixing and this man was not the answer.
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