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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Here is an interesting question and it involves speculation and coming up with possible explanations. I am hoping to see how people think and what conclusions they can draw from this situation. It is something different from the usual. Might be interesting for some people.What would be your conclusion if you were a private investigator and were following a married man to find out if he was cheating based on the following:He was at a dentist's office to get a crown filled apparently. You are on surveillance and park your car outside so you can see all activity. There are two exits he would have to come out from. Suddenly his car is gone. You did NOT see him coming out from either exit. What do you conclude this means? What types of scenarios could explain this which could point to him being guilty? More background info: He tells his wife he has a dentist appt. His car is parked in the parking lot for approx. 1/2 hr to 40 minutes tops. Yes it is his car. Licence plate, make, colour and model was confirmed. How is it possible he leaves in his car undetected if both exits are being watched and he does not come out of either?How could the investigator miss him coming out of the dental building if he was there getting his crown filled?Thanks in advance to the mod if it is printed as I am really hoping it is. :)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2016):
 Op it is clear that you have never truly forgave him because if you did then he would have earned your trust back at this stage. What this mans cheating has done to you has knocked you clean crazy. To the point he cannot even go to the dentist. This is not healthy and it is not fair on you or him. You need to let go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2016): Hello it is op.
My husband has cheated on me before while I was pregnant with our first. I forgave him with the help of counselling. But I live in fear he will do it again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): As for the married man, there is not enough evidence here to support cheating. But as a woman who has experienced being married to a cheater, the one thing I can tell you is that eventually they do fuck up and make a mistake. Just be patient sweetie. You are going to find out sooner or later. Nobody can keep up these lies forever without screwing up.Sorry you are going through something so horrendous and painful. :(
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 December 2016):
 I've found you a few more to read, about tracking a spouse or the married man involved with a desperate woman: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-possible-for-your-bf-to-have.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-weird-to-track-your-bf-gfs.html
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 December 2016):
Hi OP, if you have been married to this man for 15 years, what else has happened that has caused you to hire a PI (incompetent PI for certain!)?
I recommend you read through this post http://www.dearcupid.org/question/these-are-the-facts-is-it-the-end.html and note the parallels.
Trust is dead in your relationship. It's over.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (8 December 2016):
 No offense, OP, but this story doesn't add up to me. It's very hard to believe that a dentist would risk his or her reputation (and professional license) by compromising patient confidentiality, to get in the middle of a patient's marital trust issues no less. Completely and totally inappropriate behavior by a medical professional, if true. A total abuse of patient privacy.
Now, assuming you actually did ask the dentist to confirm or deny your husband's whereabouts and assuming he/she actually did give that information out over the phone to someone other than your husband, the patient who had the procedure done... It is entirely reasonable that your husband might be at the dental practice for 45 minutes and only in the presence of the dentist for 10-20 minutes. Have you ever had a filling yourself? The actual filling doesn't take very long, but there is some prep work that goes into the process. Usually one checks in with the dental receptionist rather than the dentist him/herself. Paperwork is done, insurance verified, medical history and medications updated if need be. The patient then waits to be called in to an exam room or cubicle, usually by a hygienist rather than the dentist him/herself. This person checks vital signs, may discuss the procedure with the patient, sets up the dentist's tools and work space, and so on. The dentist doesn't typically make an appearance till almost everything is ready and all that's left is to drill and fill the tooth because his/her time is valued at a more costly rate. One dental practice may employ multiple hygienists for every one dentist because most routine duties such as teeth cleaning and prep work can be handled by licensed hygienists.
AFTER the procedure the dentist will step out and it is the hygienist who takes care of allowing the patient to rinse out their mouth (if appropriate) and of showing the patient back out of the exam area to the front office. The patient may check back in with the receptionist to schedule a follow-up appointment if the dentist advised one, or to schedule his/her next routine cleaning.
I'd say the most likely scenario is that you hired a lousy PI - if the PI actually exists - and that the PI missed your husband leaving, or neglected to notice that the building had more than two exits. And it seems that you are probably paranoid rather than correct about the cheating allegation if this dentist visit is the best evidence you have of infidelity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): If you trust your husband so little that you pay a PI to follow him then you need to end the relationship. That's a massive intrusion of your husband's privacy (yes, your partner is entitled to some privacy). I do wonder if there is a PI or if it was perhaps you or a friend watching the dentists and simply missed him walking out of the door. If a man was having his wife followed people would quite easily consider that an abusive relationship due to the controlling mature to need to know where they are. You were even asking him what exit he took and called the dentist to check he was actually there. It's not fair on your husband to be treated like that and it's not fair on yourself because of the stress and anxiety this causes.If your husband has actually cheated on you in the past then you haven't forgiven him and probably need to move on or instead of paying private investigators you could put the money to relationship counselling for you both to work through any issues if you do want to forgive and move on. If he has never cheated and you're just worried that he will, then I would suggest seeking relationship counselling for yourself to stop this obsessive behaviour, you will burn yourself out with so much worry it's just not great for your health x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): The PI fell asleep, was on the smartphone, or having a snack. Maybe your investigator is bilking you out of your money. Either that, or your hubby has caught on and paid him/her more.
Not all PI's are reputable, and if you didn't checkout his/her credentials, you were probably scammed.
What if hubby picked someone up along the way, and simply stayed in his car? With tinted windows you can't see anything from the outside. Everything could have been done in the car. All that would be seen is the car arriving, and leaving.
The security camera footage could easily be edited; and someone offering access to their surveillance camera recordings would surely be taking a big chance and could face liability just letting anybody other than the police have access to their video surveillance footage. How would they know whether someone isn't being illegally stalked?
Did you look in his mouth for fresh dental-work? You don't fill crowns, you implant them. You fill cavities. New dental-work is quite clean; and the surrounding gum will show some evidence of swelling, or some discoloration. A new crown or recent filling would surely look new!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 December 2016):
 Being the trusting soul I am, I assumed the "married man" was married to the op. Silly me!
Op, if this is a married man you are having an affair with, then you deserve all the uncertainty you are experiencing. You have no claim over him. Back off and leave his wife to worry about him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2016): If you actually did this, my reaction is that you're paranoid. Could it be possible you just missed him walking out? If you were watching so carefully, why didn't you see him get into his car? Dentist appointments are never only a set time. Sometimes, people wait in the office.
If you have other logical reasons to believe he is cheating, okay, but based on what you have written, I personally feel sorry for the guy that someone stalks him and is convinced he's lying based on no evidence.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 December 2016):
 Why was he there for 3-40 minutes if it only takes 10? Um, I have NEVER just walked into the dentist's office and sat down in his chair getting worked on, even worse when it was the pediatric dentist, holy cow we once waited an hour JUST for the kids to get a cleaning.
Ther is usually paperwork to fill out, there is a little chat before the work starts and a chat after (going over after care what not to eat/drink - how long to wait to eat/drink etc.)
He didn't go in for a gallon of milk. He went to have a filling done.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): Hello it is the OP.
Just to be clear.
This man IS my HUSBAND. And has been for 15 years.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2016):
If the PI is this incompetent to not observe who drove the car away, then he's probably tipped the husband already. What fun for the husband, to get his dental work done per schedule then vanish, leaving the PI with egg on his face and a lame explanation to give to the client.
Yes, a filling takes a short time, but there's paperwork, chatting with the staff and using the bathroom. So 5 minutes for paperwork/receptionist banter, 5 minutes for a bowel movement, another 5-10 minutes to read the text from the other woman telling him he's being followed by the PI and she will distract the PI so he can slip out and drive away unseen!
Hi there, OP. Your voice is distinctive as is your dire concern about the fidelity of the married man you've been a mistress to for 3-4 years now.
Why are you still with a man you have zero trust in, and can't be with? I know, I know, it's beyond your control because you are so addicted to him, etc etc...
It must be a daily hell. And now you're reduced to following him to a dental appointment. I think you also had tried to work out if he could go to Home Depot without buying anything.
What, besides sex, do you get out of this relationship?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): Op. He was at the dentist. The dentist himself confirmed it. I asked the dentist how long it took to do the filling. He said 10 min. Then said it could have been 20. So why was my husband there for 30-45 min then for a 10-20 min job? And no sign of him leaving the building?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 December 2016):
 Honeypie hit it - that was my first thought, that if the guy really WAS getting a crown, that's the fastest dentist I've ever heard of! It takes a couple of hours for crown work.
I also don't understand why the PI wasn't watching the CAR as opposed to the two exits. Judging by your post, your PI rolled up on the scene while the car was there after the guy left it. It's a large bet that the car was parked there and your guy changed vehicles. Which was why there was no sighting at the buildings - the guy didn't use the exits because the guy didn't use an entrance.
Also, his wife could have called that morning or the day before and call the dentist to "confirm" the appointment or to say "I'm calling to see if there might be a specific date to move his appointment to. He'll stay here at the 12:30time, but I was just going to ask anyways. I'm planning a surprise party, so don't tell him I called!". Then sit back and listen for the confused and surprised "he's not scheduled for an appointment today".
Your PI should have been watching the CAR. I'm guessing he or she was eating lunch and had the exits open but wasn't paying attention to a second car rolling up beside the first car and letting the guy off. Sloppy PI, that's for sure! And I'm guessing if the wife has been accusing the husband of cheating, the car maneuver was to try to avoid a GPS tracker or a "jealous wife drive-by" which is why a wife must never tip her hand and accuse without documentation.
Keep up the PI work, but if your PI stays this sloppy, they might be milking you for $$
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): It's the OP.
Sorry it was not a crown. It was a filling. The dentist said it took from 10-20 minutes. Hubby said he was there around 45 min. Why so long for a short job?
I asked hubby casually what entrance he left from. He said the side entrance but the investigator said he did not see him leave yes I from the side entrance.
And how come his far was gone without him being seen?
What could have happened? I feel this gnawing at me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 December 2016):
Maybe the PI should not have been watching the exits but the car?
And I think FA is more likely to be right, getting a new crown is not a 30-40 minute job. It's DEFINITELY a longer job (unless it's a temporary one). So IF he was there for longer, having his oil changed could be a possibility.
I would NOT presume he was cheating based on what you write. It doesn't prove ANYTHING.
If you are the wife, of this "supposed" cheater, why not a voice activated recorder under his seat in the car? A little velcro with make that little sucker secure. That way you MIGHT overhear some illicit chat.
And if you think HE is cheating on you, GET your ducks in a row before accusing based on what you wrote in the post. There is NO evidence there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): I would say he had the disappearing hat on. Or he could have been lying low in the car and suddenly he gets up and drives away. No evidence of cheating though.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 December 2016):
 in my town, his mechanic picked up his car for an oil change while he was in the dentist office for the 2 hours it takes to get a crown. That is assuming the dentist is like mine and can do it in one visit and not like my kids who put a cheap temporary on there that didn't last 3 days. But enough about the dentist, What kind of Cheap lazy PI doesn't watch the car?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2016): Whoever was watching him got distracted when he walked out. Doesn't take much to miss something or someone. Was the investigator in the same spot the whole time or did he change positions in the parking lot to get a better look? Was he looking only at the exits? Lots could have happened.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (7 December 2016):
Alien abduction perhaps?
If this was a "stake-out" type scenario (rather than looking at CCTV footage) I would say that the "investigator" had not been watching closely enough. It would be impossible to watch two exits simultaneously anyway. All humans have brief lapses in concentration.
Or that there were further exits that the "investigator" hadn't thought to monitor (such as a fire escape door or a goods delivery entrance)
Otherwise it would be magic because a whole car can't just disappear from a parking lot.
Were you watching the car or the doors where you expected your partner to re-emerge from?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 December 2016):
He met someone in the car park and they were in the other person's car for the duration? (Saying person as it could be male or female.)
Without knowing who the person was, or what they were discussing, this is still not evidence of an affair.
If trust has deteriorated to such an extent that you are employing an investigator, it is time to cut and run.
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