A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all.. I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship of 14 months in March. And it's affecting my life now. My ex cheated 3 times (we broke up because of the third). He would laugh at my opinions and reject them, saying they were stupid, etc., and then punish me with angry silences and rebukes for 'never telling him anything'. He even threatened to hit me. He had been my friend for years prior and I fell for him.. And I stayed through the abuse, trying to rationalize it to myself and say that he just needed time. He left me for another girl.. and told me it was because I'm a 'jealous, self-centered, immature bitch'. We tried to stay in contact but he continued abusing me and I finally cut him out of my life. However.. I'm now afraid of men using me. If a guy admits he likes me, I avoid him.. cut contact. Even one of my best friends, who I used to be able to imagine as an amazing boyfriend. I don't know why, but I can't trust guys anymore. I'm afraid of them and afraid of trust. What can I do..? Thanks.
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female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (7 July 2011):
i understand why you feel like this it is a normal reaction when you have been hurt before but not every man is the same i wouldnt judge everybody there not all going to be like your ex trust me you we,re just unlucky next time you meet someone new take your time with him get to know him properly good luck
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (7 July 2011):
 First off, be careful who you take chances with. Accept that your judgment will never be perfect, but that's no reason to stop trying.
Whenever something comes up that causes you to hesitate, ask yourself what you would really be risking by trusting him. Then take appropriate measures before taking the chance. Say a guy asks you out - most likely he just wants to call to set up a date. There is a small chance he will not stop calling you, in which case you need to get a new number, but that's a small enough chance that it can be considered an acceptable risk. So give out your number.
Or a guy asks you to some school dance. The risk there is that he will try to sneak off somewhere for sex. The attempt itself is harmless and normal; the risk comes from whether he would listen when you say no. To turn that risk into an acceptable one, just don't go anywhere alone with him. Once you know him better and have grown more confident, by all means go off alone with him - but until then, you can turn any real risks into acceptable ones just by staying with the crowd.
Now, your feelings here are just that - emotions. Taking these steps serves a rational purpose, but the more important point is to give you a sense of control over your own life. Taking active measures for risk-management will help you gain the confidence to take risks again, and even if things go badly the first time or two, you can continue to put yourself out there until you find a great guy. There are a lot out there, not hard to find. Good luck.
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