A
male
age
51-59,
Fatherly Advice
writes:I stumbled onto a news article online that has got me thinking. It was so much like a question here on "Dear Cupid". The author had just been through a breakup and was Writing advice based on her experience. She entitled the article something like never date a man with children. Her thesis was that between his daughters and their school and their mother there was no room left for her. Don't get me wrong I agree with her to the extent that if she is not getting enough attention to satisfy her emotional needs she is not going to be happy. But the problem I find is that there is no such thing as a person who doesn't have other commitments. Even if we allow work and only get upset about other women, there is still room for trouble. After all there is no man who doesn't have a mother. There is a long history of interfering mothers wrecking good relationships.So where did this guy go wrong? After all most women want a man who is devoted to his children. His Ex probably orchestrated some of the troubles. (Last minute changes of plan in order to make him break a date, for example) But, she was upset at him, not her. He went wrong by mot making her the top priority in his life. Some of you may have trouble with that, but remember I am a father who has raised children. One of the most important things to provide for your children is a stable home with two parents. So if the kids have to go to a sitter every Friday night in order to provide them with a happy mother then that is what you do.The author of the article plainly stated that she felt third in his life, somewhere after his ex, and that gentlemen is a recipe for disaster. He knew his ex was going to try to disrupt their dates so he should have had a backup plan. He should have scheduled time only for his new relationship. And he should learn to turn his cell phone off. Now to the ladies. The Author came out confused thinking that she needed a man with no children, and by simple extension, no other competing attachments. I'm sorry to say that that isn't possible. You want a man who is employed, that's an attachment that will cost you 40- 50 hours a week. You want a man who has interesting hobbies, throw in another 10 plus some buddies who share the interest. Then were you hoping for children? and so on.The point I'm making is that you don't want to be his only interest, you really just want to be number one. It is important to keep that in focus. And, one other thing, try to keep the testing to a minimum. The main point is that we are all whole people, even people without divorces and shared custody. Everyone comes with some baggage. The real question is can we work together to resolve the problems. FA
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (3 November 2010):
Hello again. I am inclined to agree with you, about people with a lot of baggage being less tolerant of other people's baggage.
People with leftover baggage from their past relationships, have enough to content with, without someone else's problems as well.
It's just more problems to live with, and adjust to.
It's a case of getting it all out in the open early in the relationship (like you said), so that you both know what is going on and can then negotiate ways of dealing with problems as they arise.
It also gives you a chance to see how much of a problem it's really going to be to you over time, and whether you believe you could handle it as the years go by.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 November 2010):
Fatherly Advice is verified as being by the original poster of the question ChiGirl,
The inability to prioritize correctly is certainly a relationship problem. I even catch myself making priority mistakes. It's not easy to place a new person at the top of your priorities. Your old priorities will be jealous of the new top priority. The people involved will resist you spending "their" time with someone else.
But that is not all. Sometimes outside forces can push their way into the forefront. For example my wife was unusually stressed by her work last week. It was to the point that she really couldn't get in the mood to be with me. I made the mistake of being more demanding and more clingy as a result. What I didn't realize was that I was only adding to the stress. In the end she started making poor decisions about her work because I was acting badly. So we do need to be sensitive to all these other "baggage" problems.
I am sorry that you have been suffering with inadequate attention from your partner. I think you are right that a better excuse probably wouldn't have made you feel any better about it.
I do disagree that a person with lots of baggage should be more accepting of another persons baggage. I think that you would find that frequently the opposite is true. I do think that it is something that should be talked about and agreed upon early in any relationship.
Having a plan can help smooth out the bumps.
FA
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 October 2010):
 Reading this I am divided. I can imagine if you want your man to have interesting hobbies, and a life of his own in general, it will take up time. His mother can interfere, but hardly ever to the extent of making the guy cancelling dates. However, like you said, everyone comes with baggage. And I guess if you bring some baggage yourself you could accept this.
But this article made me want to commetn, because I am young. Fairly without baggage. No kids, my mother lives far away and isn't a factor in any of my relationships, no drug abuse etc etc. No baggage really in that respect. And I date young men, who don't really have any baggage either. Yet I still found myself on the lower end of priorities in my last relationship, with a man who has nothing else but his studies to be bothered with. Imagine if he had a job, kids, AND ex-wife. Even without all these things he still couldn't find time for me. I can't imagine how it'd be if he had all that baggage as well. Probably he'd have a better excuse.
So, this makes me wonder: what if it's not the guys baggage at all. What if it's just this one guy, or some guys, who are lousy at prioritizing? In that case the author isn't incorrect either, she was dating a man who was lousy with prioritizing, who on top of that bad ability had baggage. It was a dead end.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 October 2010):
Hello again. Yes, I agree that lady in the article you spoke of is rather closed minded about getting involved with a divorced man with children.
She seems to want her man to be her whole world, and practically devote his entire life to her (in a manner of speaking, of course). For him to be responsible for her happiness.
This is where she goes wrong in her thinking.
We are each responsible for our own happiness. Happiness is a choice.
Everyone is entitled to happiness and a loving, caring, relationship - regardless of their circumstances. The fact someone is a single parent, doesn't exclude them from this.
I guess she is the type of person who just wants everything in life to be easy for her.
Children really enrich a relationship, with their youth and the funny things they do and say, it's a learning experience for all concerned really. That's part of the fun of it - the challenge of not always seeing eye to eye with the children and trying instead, to understand their way of thinking from a child's perspective.
Some people think that to have children in the first place, is something that's going to get in the way of their parents getting to know each other properly. Certainly it has an impact, but again like I said in my last message, it's just a case of seeing what works and what doesn't - so everyone is happy. It is simply adjusting to changed circumstances, just like everything else in life.
Some people just can't handle change. They want everything to be the same and stay that way. But that's not possible.
With more and more couples breaking up and divorcing, single parent households are becoming common these days. So once you meet someone in this situation who you really love, it's worth it to make the effort of finding a happy balance. It's not impossible. It just takes patience and perseverence and of course, understanding.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 October 2010):
Fatherly Advice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for chiming in on this topic. I think what offended me most about the initial article was that the author assumed that her perspective was the only one and that therefore a divorced person had no right to get involved in a relationship again. A very old-fashioned idea with a new reason behind it. There are just too many separated parents out there to resign them all to permanent single status. I'm happy to see so many ideas about how this could work.
FA
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (23 October 2010):
Hi there. It's all about finding a balance. Not just with relationships but with everything in life really.
Happiness is a choice. We are each responsible for our own happiness - no-one else. It is entirely up to us.
In all relationships there will be some level of compromise definitely, and this is quite normal. As long as it's not the same person whose doing all the compromising. Otherwise we could never find true happiness. It's all a case of give and take equally, so everything goes smoothly.
Yes, like you said, there is always some baggage, whether it's children from a previous relationship or work commitments, nights out with the boys, hobbies and interests. Two people simply can't be in each other's company all day every day. It would be completely suffocating. It'd be a bit like prison. Who would want that for themselves?
Any relationship requires some effort to make it all work properly, it's a case of finding a happy medium for all concerned.
No one individual should have a higher priority than anyone else. Everyone is equal. All are equally important and so are their needs. It's a case of working it out together, seeing what works and what doesn't. Then go from there, making any adjustments along the way, as needed.
I believe it can work with one partner bringing a child with them from a previous relationship, just so long as you both are open, honest and patient with the whole situation. You can make it work out well if you discuss issues as they arise - instead of just arguing about it, or stewing it over in your mind and feeling resentful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): What a great thoughtful answer! I am glad there is someone out there who might really understand my dilemma. My partner is 17 years younger, so I am the one with the two teenagers, stressful job, mortgage, bills and so on. He moved in with us, but now the reality of the situation has hit him. He does not have any of these responsibilities, so he cannot understand why I am so often tired and frazzled. He doesn't appreciate it if I ask for help around the house, yet cannot see that this might give me more time and energy to spend with him. Oh perhaps it was a mistake to involve myself with a younger man who was footloose and fancy free, as they say.
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