A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 41 year old women who is still a virgin. I have always had a weight problem so am very uncomfortable about my body. I also have problems with trusting people not to hurt me or use me. I would love some advice on how to find someone and how to go about telling them that I am still a virgin so not to freak them out. I have alot of male friends but when i find someone I am attracted to I always become great friends but dont know how to move from friends to boyfriend.Any advice would be greatly appreicated
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female
reader, Natalie:)  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 I think it's easy to get "depressed" about looks these days. There is nothing wrong with being super curvy! Infact my bf once told me he would like me to be like that!!! I think it's a case of the opposite of "when it rains it pours" (when you have a guy or attention your happy and other guys spot this and find it attractive) so you should just go meet a nice guy and be happy to give you that spring in your step even if nothing ever happens with him.
I think being hurt is just part if life. I know it's normall to be afraid of it but you have to grow from experiences like that. I'd talk to someone about it who knows a thing or two about psychology. Try a guy on here called dirt ball.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 The hymen is not the issue here. You say yourself that you have an issue with your body and in general with relating to people. The virginity is a result of that.
So, your question should be, how does a person who has issues with her self-image and trouble relating to other people intimately, learn to be intimate with people. Men.
That ain't easy since the two issues probably feed on each other. You are afraid to be hurt by someone who rejects you for your body. And you are unsure of your body because nobody has been intimate with you despite the fact lots of men like their women super-sized.
You might want to talk to a professional considering your age. If it was a trivial thing, you would have sorted this out long ago. And it hasn't. This is no longer a girl who is shy, but a grown woman who has spent decades as she is now and it has become the routine, the norm for her. To be blunt, have you gotten so used to living alone that if a man started to live in your house you would be upset at the intrusion? How long have you lived on your own? You get used to it.
But in general, getting hurt is part of life. So is getting bad reactions to your body. Just today there was a post about a woman upset that her boyfriend has red hair. Something as trivial can already turn people off. So it doesn't matter what you weigh, someone will find fault with it.
Well, screw them! You can't please everyone but that can be very hard to accept when it seems you can't please anyone. But because you are afraid, you never even take the chance that someone MIGHT like you. Safer, easier to hide away, be single.
As said, this might not be an easy one to fix without professional help since it has been going on for so long. But it can be helped. Often merely talking to someone openly who isn't going to judge helps already. simply being able to vent what has been bottling up during your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Do you have any hobbies or interests? If you don't maybe think about doing something new and meeting people with similar interests. Yes, it is a little unusual that you are still a virgin at 41 but i understand your reasons why.
Do you have any girlfriends you can talk to? They can be a great source for advice on dating etc... When you meet a guy you like don't feel like you have to automaticaly tell him your a virgin and if/when it gets to the stage that you feel ready to have sex then, yes you can tell him but i honestly wouldn't worry because i'm sure a guy would rather have a woman who was a little inexperienced to one who's slept with 100's of guys.
Most guys probably like the idea of being your first and any decent guy will feel very lucky that you've put your trust in him enough to give him your virginty. For now i wouldn't worry about the sex part, that's a long way off, just concentrate on getting some experience with the dating part first.
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