A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my partner has started talking to his ex again and I'm getting paranoid but he doesn't know I know.I found out the other day when I was home and he had left his phone at home. It started ringing and it was his ex. It then beeped saying she had left a voicemail. Now I know I shouldn't have done this and I swear I have never done it before but I listened to the voicemail and then deleted it afterwards so he wouldn't know she had rang. She didn't say much in the message, just a lot of "ummmm-ing and ahhhh-ing" and that she needed him for something. I never mentioned it to him but the next day he had texts and phone calls off of her but hasn't mentioned it to me. The only reason I listened to it in the first place because we had lots of problems when she was around the last time - guilt tripping him into lending her money, coming onto him when she was drunk, and he began comparing our relationship with his and his exes which almost split us up (such as saying sex was better with her as she was more confident etc). So basically I'm extremely insecure and paranoid when he is in contact with her but with good reasonNow I don't know what to do, I thought he had stopped talking to her and from the voicemail it sounds like she was the one making the first contact but I want to know what they were talking about but he cant know I listened to the message and I know their conversation is none of my business but I cant stop thinking about it and wondering. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): I think next time it rings when he is away from his phone and its her you should say "Your phone rang" and look straight at him while he checks it. Then ask him straight "Who was it?" and again look at him. If he can't answer you or tells a lie or makes an excuse there is something going on. Ultimately an honest guy would say who it was and what they wanted - its definitely odd. Bearing in mind the trouble she caused before he needs to cut contact properly out of respect for you and to protect your relationship?
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 You wouldn't have listened to the message if you were not feeling concerned - I think you should trust your gut. Discuss this issue with your man - if he needs to cut contact completely with this ex to show you he is committed to you - then he should have no problem doing that.....an ex is not a friend...there is no going back to neutral once you have been with someone - so he should recognise that and respect that it makes you uncomfortable to have her calling etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): Not true. It is your business who your boyfriend is talking to and what his intentions behind that are. Especially if she's his ex and she has caused problem before. He has not been telling you about it. He is omissionally lieing.. no big deal. But if you ask him if he is talkinig to her and he says "no" then it becomes a straight out lie and is a big deal. If he has nothing wrong to hide, then he will not lie about it. He will go as far as you let him go so leaving it alone will encourage him. I say confront him and figure out what he wants with her. No woman should have to hear that her bf's ex was better at sex. That's one of those things that's just better left unsaid. Good greif..
~Sy.
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A
male
reader, Pinesquid +, writes (23 August 2009):
This fundamentally comes down to trust. If you trust him to do the right thing and either tell you or cut off contact then leave it. He may have simply not told you because he feared you would react like this. He may honestly be trying to sever contact with this woman, but she won't let go.On the other hand, if you don't trust him, confront him about it, if of course you think he will react reasonably. It really does depend on trust - as most relationship matters do.
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