A
female
age
41-50,
*erise Green
writes:He found me online this June.We haven't met in real life. For the past 3 months, we video chatted with each other almost everyday.(Just chat.) Most of the time he initiated the conversation. He's divorced for 2 years and is looking for a serious relationship. I like that he is honest and shows huge interest in me. He shows me his home,his family(He has a very lovely family) and his work place, even called me twice through his cellphone instead of on skype.He said it was a miracle for him to "find" me.To me,he feels real and sincere. We talked about a lot of things. He asked me how many kids I wanted to have, what my vision was for the next 3 years of my life. He also talked about working in my city or my moving to his city. I told him I would fly to his city next April as a payback visit and weeks later, I found myself in surprise that he hadn't thought about booking tickets to visit me by the end of this year.He said I shouldn't be surprised because we didn't really talk about it and he said he would like to visit me next January. Then we had an argument a week ago because I wanted more attention from him and he didn't talk to me for a whole week. Finally today he talked to me and we made peace. However he said he wouldn't visit me this year and he didn't know about next January because I had been acting "weird",however he hoped to keep chatting with me (relationship oriented) and I would help his career with my expertise.Is he still checking if I'm girlfriend material or has he lost interest in me already? What does online chatting for 6 or 7 months without meeting each other in person mean? Should I be patient?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 October 2012):
 Yep, he was just using you as a time filler. I am so sorry that he did that to you.
Long distance internet liasons are best avoided, a few do work out, but for the most part many fail because there are just too many obstacles to overcome.
There is nothing wrong with staying friends with this man if you wish, but avoid sex and relationship talk or anything that is going to hurt you...
Or just cut him lose and find someone who lives close to you.
Hugs
Aunty Em x
A
female
reader, Cerise Green +, writes (10 October 2012):
Cerise Green is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Aunty Em, It turns out that you are right. Yesterday I asked him why he introduced me to his father after he told me I was too involved. He said we were right now friends and he would talk to me even without me giving him free sessions. He said he was afraid that I would take his visit (God knows when will actually happen) as a commitment. I think that is the end of it. Thank you all for everything!
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A
female
reader, Cerise Green +, writes (7 October 2012):
Cerise Green is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much Aunty Em, for your patience and kindness! I will definitely keep your words in mind and keep both my mind and eyes open. He actually canceled the wedding with his ex wife one week before the big date. Then one week after that, he married her in a small church not even with his parents attending. That was textbook premarital phobia.
I have been keeping a distance from him since he said he wouldn't visit me this year. Today when he was at his parents' place, we video chatted and he introduced me to his father (his mother was out of town) and showed me their place through the camera. This is something new. His parents look very nice so it was a nice chat. Why would he introduce me to his parent after he pushed me away? I'm confused. Or introducing someone to one's parents isn't really a big deal?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 October 2012):
Why is he testing and teasing you if you are only online friends?
People don't genrally test friends do they?
I think you are falling for this guy but in the absence of actually being able to see him in real life and take the relationship foward, I think your mind is filling in the blanks and making this more than it is.
It is ok to speak to whomever you wish but be careful with online long distance things where you haven't actually met the person, because people can say whatever they want to get you hooked and he is the one acting weird, in my opinion, so you are the one who should be cautious.
I guess the the real test is when you go to visit him...if he acts weird and flaky then...it's fair to say he is a time waster.
Telling you you're weird because you get too involved is almost like telling you to back off, which to me, suggests the guy is using you as a time filler and someone to give him attention and a quick thrill without having to make any commitment. The second you started to push for more attention he was like 'Whoaaa, you're weird'
To my mind, that's a huge red flag...along with all the other red flags he is showing.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 October 2012):
This is such a common story with internet 'relationships'.
It's very easy to get carried away and say whatever you think the other person wants to hear when you only have to log on to get their attention.
It's like trying to get to know someone by looking through a key hole...you only see what they want you to see, they can cover up all kinds of things like the fact that they are married or in a relationship, or a criminal record, or really bad habits, loads of debt or the fact they have loads of kids etc, and it's very easy to end the 'relationship' by simply logging off and dissapearing.
You said you haven't met this man yet in real life and you have to question his intentions now that he has started to get skittish as soon as there is talk of meeting in the flesh.
It is easy to fall for someone over the internet, but it can tell you nothing about how you will both get on day to day or if you will find eachother attractive or want to share a life together. The sheer logistics of changing jobs, moving to another city or another country are unobtainable for most, but people will perpetuate the fantasy of being together by discussing these things, even if they never intend to do them.
I think you have hit this point...like playing dare, you want to meet him and suddenly he starts being difficult.
The fantasy is over (unless you just want to keep him as an online friend)I would forget hm and find someone who lives close to you who you canhave proper dates with.
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A
female
reader, Cerise Green +, writes (6 October 2012):
Cerise Green is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Thank you so much for your answers and help. We didn't chat for 6-7 months as in the title, but 3 and a half months.We haven't met each other in real life, but I plan to visit him next April. I also hope he would visit me before that. That is why I call it a "payback visit". He used to say that he would visit me in December or January, so by then it would be 6-7 months of chatting. During the 3.5 months of chatting, we talked about sex only once, in a very scientific way and that is it. He never initiated a sex talk.That's why I think he's serious because he tried to be a gentleman.He was brought up in a very strict catholic environment and even went to a theological seminary but he eventually became a manager in ICT business. He called me weird because , he said and I quote: "I get too involved".I have to admit I did grow a bit clingy. Yesterday at the end of our chat, he said he was my friend and maybe even my "etc,etc". He teased me by not saying the word "boyfriend". He said we would discuss about it next time. (We were both leaving for daily chores). Reading my own questions I can see clearly the doubts in my heart. We are both very rational people and we haven't fallen in love with each other yet. I can tell at the moment he said he wouldn't visit me this year , he was serious, but he also loves teasing and testing me. I know hasty is the enemy of love, but I truly don't know how far this "relationship" can go without meeting each other in real life by the end of this year because he mentioned that he wanted to get married in 1-2 years.Or could the problem be the "time line"? He also met his ex wife online and he chatted for one year before they met each other. Am I in a haste or am I already out? Modnote: title of question changed, to better reflect what the person said. The original title based on comment re 6-7 months shown in the original question. pologies to the poster if the 6-7 months mentioned in the original question was miscontrued
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 October 2012):
 I'm actually wondering if he has a local girlfriend, to be honest. This sort of behavior is common when an internet relationship fizzes out and one party gets distant all of a sudden.
You mentioned a "payback" visit? Did he visit you in real life? If he did, did you two sleep together? If not, did he initiate a lot of sex talk with you?
I'm still saying that he's got someone else locally, but if you two met up in real life, it's possible that he lost interest after sleeping with you, which meant that you were a conquest.
Either way, I think he is a dead end for you.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (6 October 2012):
 He's either married, using you for your professional expertise, or not romantically interested. Move on.
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