A
female
age
41-50,
*hinking
writes:I recently got married to a man I love very much. Our relationship is good and he makes me feel better about myself than any other man has. We've been together a year. He has a female friend that he talks to and texts on his phone though that he talked to before we got together. When we were first dating, we met on a military base, so every night we had to go our seperate ways to our own rooms. We would get hotel rooms sometimes on the weekends but mostly we spent time together throughout the day. I saw him texting her before and he seemed kind of nervous about it. This was about 2 months into the realtionship. He said she's just his friend and they just talk. I found a picture of her wearing just a bra in his phone and he said that she just sent it to him to show him how much weight she lost. Now weve been together about 11 months and he still texts and calls her. I had a long talk with him once and he seemed quite adament that he is her friend and that I should not be threatened by her. He said if he wanted to be with her, he would have been. Pretty much though, all they were was friends that had sex, that didn't ever engage into a relationship because he was still getting over his ex from before. They have probably only known each since his realtionship with his girlfriend from before ended, which was 2005. We met June of 2006. We got married in March of 2007. When he asked me to marry him, he didn't tell her that he did this. He waited a long time to tell her the truth of our relationship. I know she likes him and think she enjoys undermining our relationship, now marriage, by calling and texting him, of course only when she knows he has to leave home to go back to base. He may actually think it's harmless and that calling her and texting her is just as friends, but what girl would keep up what shes doing when she knows hes married now. I know they talked for an hour and 50 minutes a month ago and he got mad that I cared.I don't want him talking to her anymore. He has other friends male and female that I don't say anything about and have no problem with. This girl has sent him sexy pics of herself and may still. I am his wife now and I don't tell him who else to talk to and not, but I am hurt by this and VERY uncomfortable. I feel like giving him an ultimatum and saying to either stop the "friendhip" (umm hello, you don't need a back-up sex buddy anymore, even if you do think you can be friends and married) or I'm leaving to think things over. I don't know what to do, because we have talked about her before and he tries to avoid the conversation. Shouldn't he respect my wishes? I would respect his in a second. I already do on my own, so he doesn't have to worry about other men "befriending" me. Please help me figure out what to say or do.
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female
reader, cd206  +, writes (7 April 2007):
 I know you said it came down to two options, ultimatum or leaving him, but I think you owe it to your marriage to sit down and talk about it honestly. I know you said he avoids the conversation and makes you feel stupid for bringing it up but you need to tell him that it's important and that if he doesn't talk to you honstly that you're thinking of leaving. Tell him your worries and concerns. Don't be afraid to sound stupid by being vulnerable. Give him 100% honesty. You can't, in good conscience, tell him he can't be friends with this girl because it's unfair to make him choose, but you can tell him that you think their relationship is too close and that you feel threatened by this other girl. Then it's really his response that will make or break things. Unlike some of the other responses you've had to this question I think it's really important to do everything you can to save a marriage. After all, once you were so in love and I don't think that kind of love disappears overnight. However, ultimately it's your decision. I'm not married and I don't know what it's like but it seems to me that it is what you make of it. If you try hard enough to make it succeed, it will. Hope this helps.
CD
A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (5 April 2007):
 Your husband seems to have an issue with respect.
Although I think there probably isnt anything going on between them, and perhaps they are just friends, but if you have specifically asked him not to carry on as he is, and he is continuing to do so, I think he needs a little more than a swift kick up the arse!
I know that my boyfriend still speaks to his ex, and as I said before, it doesnt bother me. However if she even thought of sending him pictures of herself half naked, he would he be singing siprano.
All I would need to do is ask him to stop communication with his ex and tell him why I want it stopped, and he would. The same would go for me too.
I dont think your husband has the same respect for you that you have for him, and he needs to know that it hasnt gone unnoticed. He needs to know that respect is earned not given!
You are now married and he needs to know that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable! Totally unacceptable! Staying in touch with ex's is okay so long as there are boundaries and he needs to be told what those boundaries are.
Yes it's okay to stay in touch with the ex, but HELL NO its not okay for her to be sending you have naked pictures of herself. Totally disrespectful to his wife!!!
If he continues to be disrespectful to his wife, then he will be the downfall of his marriage and the best thing that ever happened to him!
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A
female
reader, thinking +, writes (5 April 2007):
thinking is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, I wish I knew you all in person so I could truly thank you!.. keep it coming... I'm formulating how to do this...
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (4 April 2007):
 Your Husband is 100% WRONG. He is totally disrespecting your feelings and your marriage by what he is doing. The context of his relationship with this girl is obviously sexual. He is in denial. Even though he is nervous (guilty) and he still refuses to admit that it IS anything, this other relationship is undermining your marriage. She is a total cow to continue to text him. If she was a decent girl she would have backed off and dissappeared one minute after he told her he was married, so you know for a fact that she is untrustworthy. The fact that he dragged his feet about telling her may have made her think that she still stood a chance, was that his intention? You really need to find "The" reason why he thinks this way, because it will come up again in your marriage if he doesn't fix it. I would DRAG him to a marriage councellor. He won't admit that his behaviour is wrong infront of you, so you need a impartial third party to tell him that he is totally wrong. He needs an ultimatum as well - "Get rid of the girl, get councelling or find someone else who will put up with this nonsense, because I sure won't". I wish you all the best and I hope you get him to see the light. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, lillady55 +, writes (4 April 2007):
 Hi there, sorry you are going through this problem. I have recently been through a similar problem. My bf was txtin and ringin a girl from work. I found out by lookin on the pc at our mobile account (it had been goin on for about 3 months). I gave him an ultimatum and also rang the girl to ask her why they were doin it as she knew he had a gf and 3 children. She said "we are only friends" and assured me there was nothin sexual between them. (A lot of the txts were flirty). He deleted her no off his phone and assured me he wouldnt text her again. The girl then changed her sim and after a few weeks break it started again (they thought i was to stupid to recognise the pattern of txts and calls under a new number) Well to cut a long and upsettin story short i threw him out. He was so upstet and apologetic ringin me beggin me to take him back, which eventually i have (for the kids sake mainly) He knows he would be out of the door if he does it again. So the best thing you can do is tell him how upset (rightfully so) it makes you feel and if he really loves you he has to STOP, also have you thought of ringin her yourself and askin her why she feels the need to do this to your husband and ask her how she would feel if it was her husband.If he wont stop maybe you should have a break cos it really has affected my self asteem, knowin my partner was havin intimate conversations with another woman. Hope everything works out for you. x
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A
female
reader, thinking +, writes (4 April 2007):
thinking is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate the help. Reading your answers was giving me extreme anxiety. I could see myself talking to him about this and I'm scared. The last time we talked about it, nothing was resolved. He was just so good at explaining his side, and it made sense I guess, that I was tired at the moment of trying so hard to show him that I meant it. I did not want to give him an ultimatum, and still don't because I could easily see him looking at it like, "oh, so if i don't stop talking to this friend that I've known longer than you, you're going to leave me?" I wouldn't know what to say to that, b/c I don't want to leave him over just this, but I really want it to stop. It was like he as honestly trying to convince me that she's so much of just a friend that she wanted to meet me. I immeadiately said, no, I don't think so. We are not going to see her ever. They don't talk every day, but she used to text him right after she was aware that he would be leaving to go back to base, and in the beginning of March they texted every day. Although I have no idea what the texts said.Our last argument was me asking him why when I called him one evening at like 11:00 pm, why he didn't tell me he was on the other line with someone, b/c when he got home, I went to make a call with his cell and I saw her name had been dialed, the call was at 10:30 pm and lasted 111 minutes. I said "what could you possibly have to talk to her about for 111 minutes that late at night when you told me you were going to sleep when we got off the phone. When he doesn't want to agree to something, but he doesn't want to also tell me "no", he says nothing. He got so mad he threw his phone. He told me weve talked about this girl before and that this chick is no reason to ruin a relationship over. I felt guilty then and agreed. Later when I was upset though, I was crying softly, and he came silently and stood behind me and gave me a hug.Now, I can honestly say, that I do not believe he has acted out infidelty, but I know that if a guy I grew up with or know calls he doesn't ask or say anything about it. This I believe is b/c he trusts me (which he should) but also because he wants me to not care ever about who he calls and talks to.I feel like I should have him read one of these responses to show him that it makes sense. I'm too afraid to break it down to, "it's playing with fire" b/c I feel like admitting it could lead to cheating makes him see it as though he has been just by talking, so that it would lead him to just give up on making me feel happy and safe and say screw it and go all out. I'm just afriad this will blow up, he won't agree and think I'm being insecure, and probably treat me differently. Thank you for your responses. I know I should probably talk to him one last time about this, I'm just so anxious and scared. I feel like crying just writing about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007): hello pet,i had a very simular situation last year my boyfriend had this friend who he had sex with over the years when he wasnt n i relationship.I was very uncomfortable about this as she used to send him text messages telling him that she missed him and when ever she had a problem she would ring and txt him.I told him I was'nt happy bout this then he told me he had stopped contact with her and I believed him until i checked his phone bill and found out they wer still in contact I lost the plot and demanded that he rang her there and then in my company and tell her to stop txtn him and ringing him.If he didnt we were finished he did it and told her that he had to keep me happy no matter what she was not very happy and kept trying to split us up by txtn him when she knew he would be with me and pretending they were still in contact, I knew they wernt cos I kept checking his phone calls and texts on the internet.If you are important enough to him then he should have no problem tellin her to get lost but make sure you are present while he does this.If he dosent do it then I would say goodbye to him cos it will drive you mad eventually.Best of luck to you I rreally hope it all works out for you cos I know how your feeling right now ans it's not very nice.xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007): You are completely right. He should have given up this friendship and is being disloyal by continuing it. It already has a sexual context, so there is no doubt. He and she are keeping up the emotional and flirtateous intimacy that they had before, which excludes you, so it is self indulgent and stops him comitting to you even though you are married.
It is very telling that he won't give her up for you and it means that he puts her before you, or is just being indulgent and throughtless. He has to give her up. My man did that for me when we got serious, without hesitation. My female friend allowed such a relationship insisting that she trusted her partner to be just friends and now he has fallen in love with the friend.
Men and women can rarely be just friends after having sex. There is always that connection and it is exclusive to them so you will always feel on the outside when it gets rubbed into your face. His friends should be yours too and if they can't be they should not exist. Unhealthy triangles are no good.
If he overreacts about this it shows how much he cares about her or needs her and how much he disrespects your natural and reasonable feelings. Your needs should come first and any sensible person would have some sensitivity about it. He should be able to see instantly how damaging this relationship COULD BE, it is not benign to your relationship and even if he insists that it is he can not make it true. It is called playing with fire.
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