A
female
age
41-50,
*hinking
writes:My husband's friend is getting married. They live in his home state which we do not live in. They called to let him know when it is. We are in the military and it's hard to find time for leave to do stuff like that. He acknowledged this to them over the phone, saying that we will probably be able to make it depending on where they send us next. We are scheduled to leave where we are at May 30, and the wedding is June 9. We may have to report in by then and we would have to request time off to make it to this, maybe. A couple hous later, he spoke with them again, and asked the wife-to-be if his ex would be there. I was sitting across from him during all this. When he got off the phone I asked if she would be there and he said yes. I followed with, "no, we are definitely not going. I am not comfortable." He returned it with, "too bad, I want to go, and I'm going." I asked, doesn't it matter what I think and feel? He said yes, and he heard me, but he's going anyway. Then he told me not to go. I do not want either of us to go because when they broke up with was 2004, it took him until even now, 2007, to get over it. I came across a "diary entry" in his computer once that he wrote about how he still loves her, and how he felt guilty about how he still thinks of her often and that he felt a man shouldn't be who's about to get married, refering to us. He told me once that the girlfriend he had after her, right before me, used to think that he was always thinking about her, and would get on his case whenever a sad song would come on the radio and say, "why did you change it? does it make you think of her?" Knowing all this, seeing the 2 page rant that he wrote about her, knowing he was really depressed when they split, and he and her were engaged, just knowing all the things I've seen and heard, I do not think seeing her would be very good for him, or me for that matter. I don't know how to handle this situation. I know at least two of his ex-girlfriends will be there too. I know he loves me, but from what I've gathered, it's like he still almost feels that she's the one he was supposed to be with. It breaks my heart to think that. I feel that me not wanting us to go is not unreasonable. What should I do?
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broke up, depressed, engaged, ex girlfriend, his ex, military, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Midge  +, writes (5 April 2007):
 I understand exactly what you mean, and it seems silly but that saying "if you let him go and he comes back, he's yours" is really true.
If you want him to be with you, for you, and not just because he "ended up with you", then you need to give him what he needs for himself to realise that he's with you, because he loves YOU!
My boyfriend still has all the pictures of his ex, and because he's a musician and plays in bands, he has loads of songs etc that they play too. I dont get upset or angry when I see them simply because I feel its a reminder of what he had, and now what he has. He was engaged to this girl, and she hurt him really badly. He was still hurting when we were seeing each other in the beginning, but he needs to see for himself what he's lost and you have to trust him that he'll make the right choice.
Encourage him to go, because it will show him that you're not scared of a little competition. You know you are the better woman, and trust me age wont make a difference. Maturity will, but age wont!
Trust your husband! If he doesnt make the right choice, then you're too good for him anyway. But I'm pretty sure he will!!
A
female
reader, thinking +, writes (4 April 2007):
thinking is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. It was very helpful to hear a positive outcome on a similar situation. I know that he thinks of her often, and she's younger than him. He's 23, I'm 24, she's maybe 22. I grew up fast and have been through alot in my life and am much older mentally and emotionally than my number. I fear that she may act like her age and try and "hit" on him or the situation. I know I would feel really small with him "acting" like he's not looking at her, which is probably why he wants to go, because he hasn't seen her in so long. He was just so defiant and rude with his response of, "yes, your opinion does matter, but I'm going, so if you really have a problem with it, then YOU don't go." .... did I mention that he kept about 10 3" by 5" photos of her in a datebook in his car that have since been thrown out. He said that he had taken them out of his photo album and that's just where he put them. He also has a notebook of poems and lyrics he has written about his feelings on the break-up and how he had become "an empty shell", all kinds of dramatic love statements that made me feel like who he just ended up with and accepts as his wife now because he screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him. He still has all these poems and such in his notebook that's in his backseat. When we were on duty together when we first met, I remember him writing in the book. So at that point he was stll thinking about her. I know he loves me, but I have given up alot to be here with him so we could be together. A LOT. I don't want to get hurt. I've been hurt a lto in mylife and I don't think I could take one more blow.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (4 April 2007):
Well your feelings are perfectly normal, so you're not being silly or anything.
As much as it hurts you, you need to let him do this. If for anything, it could give him closure. If your relationship is as strong as you think it is, then him seeing her will only show him how silly he has been all this time, and in the long run make him realise that he made the best choice!
My boyfriend was engaged before we met, and had broken up with his fiance for a year before we got to together. She started phoning him a year after we got together, professing her love for him, not to mention she broke it off. She kept telling him that she wanted to see him again. I gave him my blessing and told him to meet with her. I trusted him enough, and loved him enough that if he really wanted to be with her, I would give him my blessing and stand aside, so long as it was going to make him happy. Needless to say that when they met up, he realsed that he didnt feel the same way about her anymore. You see they had been together for 10 years, so had a lot of history and I knew when I met him, that he wasnt over her.
Have faith in him that he will make the right choice. I'm sure he will!
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A
female
reader, Candy's corner +, writes (4 April 2007):
I know this must have been a hard thing for you to write.. But i bet once you had written it, it made you feel just a little better knowing that you dont have to keep things bottled up. The reason i say this is because, maybe your husband does still think about his ex, but if everyone was honest with themselves, we all think about our ex's even if it be for a brief moment.. But you have to support your husband and visa versa. If he was to say you were not allowed somewhere it would make you want to go, even more.. Firstly hes married and loves you, not any of his ex's. Secondly by supporting him with his choice and walking into that room with him on your arm will show both of his ex's how happy he is with you. Maybe by him seeing his ex it will stop him from thinking about him, I know that seems like a cliche but at the end of the day, its easy to think about sameone u havent seen for a long time. By seeing her it would hopefully show him that he should be grateful for what he has. A loving wife who respects him enough to swallow her and hold her head up high... Good luck?
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