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male
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anonymous
writes: There's a girl that I've been seeing for about 6 weeks now that has me in the biggest state of relationship confusion I've ever experienced. We met through friends and went 0-60 in a matter of hours. This was unlike both of us (and I'm trusting that it's unlike her). We really hit it off, though, and didn't let the incident bother us too much. We started dating...seeing each other for the most part of a week or two and continued to grow interest. We decided to be exclusive, but after about a bit of that, she realized that my idea of exclusivity didn't include her constant flirting with friends and strangers alike and took things down a notch. Now, I'm extremely into this girl...I've analyzed and analyzed and this is no 'wanting what you can't get' case. She's in and out of therapy for a variety of reasons including family, friends and the fact that she's been burned by a few relationships. I know that I need to be her friend above all else and I've been a good one. I'm always there for her, even when she won't admit she needs it, I'm reassuring and comforting, and I talk things out with her with a true interest in her needs. We're very affectionate when alone (kissing, touching, etc.) and I've spent the night a few times without letting my instincts get in the way. When we're in the company of others, I barely exist...let alone come across as anything other than a minor friend. Only when there's another female near, does she make her presence felt. Fine, fine...I understand all of this thus far. My issue here is that we argue a good amount because she constantly fails to call me, she changes plans on me without warning, she blows me off and gets upset with me when I'm not there when she actually wants me to be. She's always making it very clear that she can't have any commitments because she's in a place where she has to focus only on herself in order to sort her life out. Dandy, isn't it? She apologizes to me all the time after she does this or that to shoot me down and tells me she's just being selfish. Now, I'm no angel...I've lost my temper a few times and left fairly blatant 'I'm tired of this and don't deserve it...etc' messages on her phone. Every time, she's there with an apology and a suggestion to spend time alone. This, of course, brings back my interest. I'm trying so damned hard to be understanding, spacious, flexible and caring without enough return. I'm willing to stick with things for a while if there's the possiblity of a decent relationship because I'm sure she's worth it. I just can't figure out when enough is enough and if anything will ever materialize out of my efforts. Is there anything I can do to let her know that I'm going to be around for a while, but that there's a limit to how far I'm willing to stretch? We've already discussed it but, immediately after we do, another issue springs up. Is there any way I can expedite this to the next level or is it a lost cause?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2006): My honest opinion is... you are trying to establish fair relationship boundries with this lady and she's simply not co-operating. You can't make another person do anything, but you can tie yourself in knots over something you have no power to change. In the deepest sense, relationships are intended to enhance what you already have. It doesn't appear she is enhancing your life in a happy, fulfilling manner. You need to break up with this woman and learn to say goodbye, before she sucks all of your self-esteem out of you and leaves you an empty husk. This woman has way too much problematic baggage and cannot commit fully to you, like you deserve. End this, heal, recover and then you will be free to find the right woman who wants you to be number one all the time. I am sorry to say but your gf's attitude and outlook is very self-serving- because she hurting you. She's right-she is being very selfish. So how much more are you going to tolerate..is up to you. If i were in your shoes, I'd call this a day. Just stop accepting the false promises and her empty apologies and walk away from all this.
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