A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone....I've been married for 10 years but dated my wife for 2 years prior to getting married...so all together have been with her 12 years. We have 2 wonderful boys 6 and 4. About 3 months ago I found out my wife had been seeing a man who is a teacher at my sons school. As far as I can see through phone records she has been in contact with him since Oct. of 2009. Now here is the ugly part: While I went to work at night this man would come to my house and see my wife while my boys were asleep. According to my wife they had sex only once in my bedroom on the floor. She now says that he meant nothing and she loves me...she takes full responsibility for her actions and says she was wrong for doing this to our family. I honestly don't know if I can forgive her...I love her and all, but just not sure I can deal with this.This came as a shock to everyone...her family, friends, my parents. It's not like her to do something like this...so I thought.I didn't see this coming, I thought we were a happy family..I saw no signs of this at all. I admit my wife and I did not go out much alone without the kids, however we did everything together...and we were happy....so I thought.She now wants a second chance....and I don't know if I can give it to her. I just recently went to a lawyer to get legal advise and he tells me I have very very good chances of getting custody of my boys, however he feels that my marriage may have some chance to get through this with some counseling....I'm not sure I agree. In my point of view, this was a relationship in the making...that escalated to sex...my wife knew exactly what she was doing and could have stopped it at anytime, but chose to continue. This man by the way has 2 children about the same age as mine and is happily married....his wife had no clue of this. After contacting his wife...I learned that this was not the 1st time he had done this. Apparently this guy preys on women at the school that seem to be having problems at home....and acts like he relates to them by telling them he is also having problems at his house.Any input would be appreciated....There are a lot of details missing as to how I found out, my wife coming clean...etc. but this kinda gives ya'll an idea.Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): give her a second chance and shell be ur wonderful wife.i had such experience that i betrayed my bf and he forgave me and now i 'm the best person myself who never says lie to anyone..and i'm trying to make him best and myself......so forgiveness could make a wonder in your life obviously
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 July 2010):
 "People who cheat don't do so in a vacuum. It made sense at the time or she wouldn't have done it. We all need forgiveness."
I got these wise words from another thread and I so agree. She made a mistake she did I agree, but if your considering giving her another chance than do, this is your life. No one here knows your wife but you, only you can make this decision, but think hard will it be worth giving it another try.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): thank you Q, I am glad you think i nailed it. normally you accuse me of ranting.
Anywhays poster, you need to decide. but decide carefully. I am a woman and i can tell you a few crocodile tears, faking remorse and promising, promising to be good and the sex meant nothing, is empty words and she has you eating out of her hands. don't fall for it. i think you are waverering and i think you are ready to allow her back into your life and trusting her words and expressions.
take a step back:
see the events unfolding
did she plan on cheating - YES?
Did she ever think of the consequences - NO?
was it once or a number of times - in your bed, your carpet , while your boys were home?- YES, REALISE THIS , SHE DEFILED YOUR HOME
Was she forced? any coersion, or free will. - FREE WILL
did she bother about her husband and her kids while she was Fing around - NO
Did she deliberately lie, cheat - YES,YES, YES
Case closed.
fool on me if you fool me once, IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME to mess up a marriage...................
I am not spitting venom and making your wife to be a bad person. in essense she is/was. she planned her infidelity. she knew what she was doing. FOR MONTHS she was in a relationship with this man, sexual or emotional. it doesn't matter. for months she invested her all in a man who was not her husband. she NEVER expected you to confront him and disgrace her. Good for you
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 July 2010):
I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater, people do change and people do make mistakes.
Poster this is your decision, listen to you heart, listen to your brain, and try to stay positive don't act out rage.
Ask your wife for time she owes you that much, you will see if you can live past this, Some people can't get past the infidelity, but other do and live happy life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): easier said than done BUT she CHEATED DIDN'T SHE. she did not give a hoot that she was defiling your home, your bed and hey , your floor. no one forced her. she made that decision, you cannot blame that married man for forcing her. she wanted to have sex with him and she did. she planned it. it did not just happen. she waited until you were at work and she did the deed with him. she is lying if she says that it was only once. and fools that husbands are, they want to hear this. only once, it didn't mean anything, it was only sex. and the lies continues.
from october 2009 your wife has been having this affair. she knew what she was doing and do not for a moment think that she is anow all consi=umed by guilit. she is only remorseful beacuse now her stink is out in the open. your wife is conniving and she is amnipulating you. she knows you are weak when it comes to loving her and she will use this to her advantage. what happens when she starts another friendship/emotional attachment? you forgive her again? she has not come clean with many many things and i think you know this.
you need to do what is best for you. no time in putting her feelings first. after all she cared nothing about you and she cared nothing about your boys sleeping while she was Fing this other married man. she not only humiliated you, she humiliated her children and that is unforgiveable. her sexual lust was more important than she desire to keep her family intact. so she need sto cut out the sob stories and get real. yes she takes full responsiblity, why shouldn' she. she knew what she was doing. investing her time, resources , your finances in her illicit relationship. does she think that by owning up she is off the hook.
one time sex only?? no way? maybe if your wife has some decency she will start speaking the truth. she will reveal the true extent of her affair. your wife is a continued liar, she has tainted your home and all your lives. do you think she will stop? pigs will fly first. your wife has been regularly giving it to him therefore her lies, meeting him at the store, blatantly flaunting her affair at the kids function. all premediatated . and the sad thing is she knew that even if she was found out, you would take her back. therefore she did not give a damn. she can read you like a book.
how can you even trust whatever comes out of her vile mouth. i hope you burnt the bed and the carpet. if she expects you to sleep on the same bed as her lover, well then , what more can be said. trust me, it was not only on the carpet. i am a woman. i know it wasn't only once on the carpet.
it is your decision to stay with this adulterer. next time (and believe me there will be a next time) what do you do then. still talk. get your kids away from this woman., she had no decency, bringing her lover home while the kids were there. so much for good parenting. you may love this woman but can you ever trust her, and even respect her. No way. she is not worth it! and you will be the biggest fool to accept her sloppy seconds. next time you see your lawyer start making concrete plans. you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (27 July 2010):
Poster this is your life, and I want to ask you can you see yourself living with your wife and getting past this infidelity. Many people make mistakes and can look past this and work on there marriage and can actually live happy lives. She killed your trust the minute she cheated but she can rebuild it with patience and love. Your marriage doesn't have to be over, it can survive this tumble. I would suggest you give it a try, but once you give it a try you notice you just can't get pass it than at that point it might be better to part ways. Don't stay together because of your children, do it because you still love her and want to give her and you another chance in love.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 July 2010):
 It's always easier said then done, unfortunately. And every situation is different. In times like these I recommend trying not to over complicate things. You can spend every waking hour each day trying to figure out what to do but there is no right or wrong answer. The fact is, you don't trust her. And rightfully so. But that doesn't mean you don't love her. So it's not easy just walking out the door. And as far as the kids? Whatever you do, do NOT just stay for the kids. Stay because you want to.
I can't say exactly what I'd do in your position, because I'm not there. But I'd like to think if I loved her THAT much, I'd give it a shot. I'd put pride aside. Yes, you'll have to live with the image of that little prick getting your wife, but giving your wife a second chance is being the better man - especially better then him. He doesn't respect his wife, he's cheated many times as you said. So I'd put the pride aside and let her know that if she wants it to work, she'll need to prove it to me. Things like no sex, not as a punishment.... but mainly to illustrate that sex is too important to you. You need to trust and respect her and right now she's shaken both in you.
What I'm trying to say is giving her a second chance doesn't mean your weak for giving in. Forget that prick guy she cheated with. He's not even worth a butt kicking. Start fresh, and make her understand it isn't going to be easy. It'll be a long, hard road proving she's learned from her mistake. Your marriage as you both have known it is over.
This can either be a fresh start, or it can be a divorce. I see no fault in either route. Some people can get past the cheating, some simply cannot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had about an hour conversation with her last night, probably the longest we've had since the incident. She tells me she is sorry and very regretful of what happened. She takes full responsibility and says she will prove to me that she can be a good wife and I can some day learn to trust her again. She wants to go to marriage counseling.
Says she see's the hurt she's put me and the kids through and would never do this to us again. She swears on them that it will never happen.
I don't know what to think anymore....I'm very confused
I always said that if anything like this ever happened to me I would never forgive that person...I guess it's easier said than done...huh?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Very tough one. You've got kids and it really may be in their best interests that you stay together.
But staying with her entails you knowing for certain, and accepting, that your wife might, or most probably will, do something this again. The circumstances sound really sleazy: you're not talking about a one-off encounter in a moment of madness, this sounds pre-meditated, controlled, entirely deliberate. She nailed him in your house, with the kids there, on the bedroom floor.
My anecdotal, non-scientific, random sample of first-hand knowledge of such behaviour (I grew up in a house where this was going on) leads me to conclude that if she's of a mind to do this once, she'll do it again and again, with increasing brazen-ness. But I could be wrong. Perhaps she's so consumed with guilt and eaten up about it that she'd sooner eat her own feet than ever cheat on you again. Not sure from your post how remorseful she is about it. Maybe you can take her on trust for the rest of your life. Big leap of faith though, isn't it?
And the 'sorry I've got to the store, I'll be back in a bit!' thing indicates that she'd no qualms about doing it practically under your nose, and maybe got off to a huge extent on the reality of doing so and the possibility of getting caught.
Bit too much to forgive, I think. But then, you've got the kids to think of...I don't know what you should do. I really don't.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 July 2010):
You have to ask yourself this - will you ever be able to look at her the same way again or get it completely out of your head? If the answer is no, you need to do yourself the favor and leave. You shouldnt have to bear the burden of this mistake for the rest of your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello TimmD,
It was a series of things that lead to me finding out.
Stuff that just didn't add up...the burn on her back just assured me that something was just not right.
I found out only because I told her that something just didn't feel right and I felt she was seeing someone.She denied it for a while, then that same while she broke down crying and said she had slept with someone.
Had I not seen that burn...who knows if she would have done it again...I'd like to think not but I don't know I kinda think it would have happened again.
The truth is, I don't know if I can do it....getting back with her after all this. They e-mailed, texted, went through several different measures to see and talk to each other....and she got really good at it!
I've gone through photos that we've taken together at parties and outings and we were happy....I've matched the photos with the time-line that she was seeing him or talking to him and they are around the same time, which means that she was comfortable with her lies.
I love her very much...but this may be it for me.....
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (26 July 2010):
Question: How did you find out about her cheating? Did she just break down and tell you finally or did you more or less "catch" her with the rug burn or anything else?
My point is if she told you without and pushing from you, ok maybe she feels remorse and owed you the truth. But if she only told you because you were asking so many questions, would she have told you if you didn't start asking or would she still be keeping this from you?
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A
male
reader, actionterrance  +, writes (25 July 2010):
No no, I'm sorry, but you have to divorce. The betrayal of trust here is just too much. This was not some random encounter, this was cheating.
You will be happier when you are eventually with someone new. Trust me. It will seem hard, but life is short. You will still have your kids, and they will still have both you and their mother.
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A
male
reader, jonjay123  +, writes (24 July 2010):
dude why do you want to forgive her? Till the next time your marriage is on the rocks and sleeps with another man? Dude she could have given you AIDS! And where would that leav your kids? I say bolt! The fastest thing runing man. Get umm whats it called when you both share custody of the kids?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello guys,
I am in marketing/Photography and work Mon-Fri 8-5 however 1nce or 2ce a month I will do a photography gig at the local Arena....this would be from around 7 to 1 latest.
So yes...I agree with most of you who say this was premeditated....and as sad as this sounds I also believe it was just once. My brother lives about 6 blocks away from me ...I can literaly see the corner of his house from mine, so being that she has the boys every day with her...it's hard to believe that this guy was coming around too often for sex.
Also I did go looking for him at the school and confronted him and let me tell you this guy is one big pussy! he tried denying everything and told me my wife was a lyar.
stood with his hands up the whole time as if I was going to punch him. (which by the way I did not because there were children around) Instead I went to the school board and made sure everyone knew the kind of teacher he was and what he was doing! And I'm still not through with him! But that's another story!
After all was said and done this guy completely disapeard and not one phone call to my wife or e-mail...he had already gotten what he was after....and she was only used!
Sad to think that I was traded for some loser that was only after sex. Geez I don't get it. I look at my boys and just can't ever imagine doing that to them.
Oh and about the carpet...well yes they definately did it on the carpet! This is the main reason I found out! Carpet burns on her back!!! And his wife tells me he also had them! ( makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): Cheating is never about sex because sex and general coversation are always more exciting with a stranger. Real relationships require work and more importantly respect. All the sorrys in the world won't increase the respect that is lacking in a relationship when someone cheats. The person cheated on must show a willingness to depart and the cheater must show a desire to go threw Hell to stay around. Leave, put him or her out, remove the things that you bring to the relationship that are obviousley taken for granted so that the person knows that they could lose you. If they leave you because of this , good! you don't deserve to be number 2. If they beg and do everything above and beyond to make you stay, reward him or her by loving them as hard as you can for the rest of their life because they have regained respect for you and proven their case to stay together.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): If you believe they only had sex once then I have a bridge to sell you. If you work night shift and he was coming over to your place on a regular basis then you can bet that they have been having sex on a regular basis. She just wanted to minimize the situation for you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): My inuput is muster the strength and get divorced. Your wife cheated, she knew what she was doing and she should be held accoutable for her actions. You cannot trust her again. YOu will be so thankful in the future when it's all said and done.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (23 July 2010):
Yeah, this just keeps getting more and more premeditated. This wasn't a one time (serious) lapse in judgment, this was an affair. To smile that much in front of you?
At this point, all I'm gonna say is that you're a Saint if you let her come back from this. I'm still not going to fault you if you want to try, but at this point if it were me I'd probably tell her she did damaged that is too bad to reverse.
If she admits she was bored and lost love for you once while not caring if you found out, what's to stop her from doing the same thing again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello guys....and thank you for your views and comments.
I do love my wife very much but, there are a lot of things that have come up that I just can't quite swallow.
It's like a puzzle...now everything fits just perfectly and makes sense. When questioning my wife about certain things I was doubting, she came clean and answered everything!
There are 2 cases that stand out to me big time:
1 time, my son had a school event ( Fair day I believe)
and we all headed to the cafeteria for snacks, I remember my wife looking across the room and just smiling to someone.
A very big smile...almost as if she was very happy to see someone. I didn't make anything of it, but I remember telling her "wow who's getting that big smile from you"
she brushed it off and said "oh just a lady that has a kid in our boys classroom" ...since I didn't doubt her even a bit I just continued on that day.
I later was told from her that it was indeed him on the other side of the room.
The 2nd time, I came home late one afternoon and was really tired, and my wife needed butter for something she was making. She offered to go to the nearest store (which is literally about 5 minutes away) Well she took about an hour or so to get back home....now by this time I am getting a bit suspicious...and I questioned why she came so late and her answer was that she ran into a neighbor and she started talking to her.
She later told me that she called him to meet up at the store!
I'm having a hard time with this, because (1) she definitely had feelings for him (although she denies it)
The smile on her face that day when she saw him tells me she was very happy to see him.
(2) She actually contacted him to meet up at the store!
My view is...she was bored of the relationship, was selfish, didn't care weather or not she would get caught, and ultimately lost love for me! She says she didn't and loves me very much but I just can't seem to believe her!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): sorry to hear that man. Its like the poster before me said the ball is in your court. No exscuse for that and i dont blame you for feeling like its over. If i were you id try counseling and hope for a miracle. If not id say divorce. And id give that teacher a talking to as well.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (23 July 2010):
Your wife should have been faithful, but I would like to think on this particular case since this teacher has a history of cheating and manipulating women that he told her what she wanted to hear and got her at her weak point.
Even if you want to think the relationship was perfect, and I'm not blaming you, but just for a minute think; would she have cheated if the relationship was perfect. I feel that she might have felt lonely, or maybe felt that she was not getting enough alone time with you, who knows what she could have been thinking or feeling but the point is that during her weak days this teacher sweet talked to her. You said yourself that he has a history of manipulating weak women and he might tell them things to boost their vanity and make them feel super special.
Now are yo willing to forgive her, can you see yourself past this infidelity. I would advise you to give it another try, but the decision is yours to take and if you just can't let go and will constantly think on it and will find it hard to let it go, than maybe splitting up would be the best solution. You should try marriage counseling before you make any decision. Good luck and so sorry you are going through this right now.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (23 July 2010):
There is no right or wrong answer here, unfortunately. What she did is absolutely un-excusable. Having an affair is bad enough, but having sex in your house with your children in the house, in your bedroom? Wow. She lost your trust, and quite honestly I'm not sure if she ever deserves it back. But this all comes down to you now. The ball is in your court 100%.
Do you love her? Do you want to try to make it work? After all that she did (and what she did was bad) I still wouldn't fault you for wanting to make it work. The hardest thing for a guy after his wife cheating is knowing another guy had her. If you are willing to get past that, then you have a chance to make it work. But it's not going to be easy.
She cheated for a reason. It's up to her to figure out that reason. With the help of a counselor, she may be able to. And from there, she's gotta understand it'll take the rest of her life to earn back your trust. You must tell her that if you give her another chance, don't expect you to trust her for a VERY long time. IF she is willing to do whatever it takes to earn back that trust, then I'd say you have a chance.
But again, it's all up to you. I don't fault you for wanting to walk away after a betrayal like that, but I also don't fault you for wanting to make it work. If she had a past record of this stuff, I'd say don't be an idiot - just ditch her. But this isn't one of those cases. Giving her a second chance may mean putting your pride aside, but it's a question of how much do you love her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): Despite the whole affair, it seems like your wife really does love you. In most cases, being married for ten years and being together for twelve builds a pretty solid relationship. I'm pretty sure being a married woman myself that she wouldn't want to jepoardise your marrige and family because of some guy that she claims not to have feelings for.On the other hand, as you've mentioned, she could have stopped what she was doing at any time. She would have known that if you found out about the affair, it could ruin your family but she still continued with it. Whether it was out of lust and thinking you wouldn't find out, or because she loves this man, she's still abused your trust. If I were in your position, I'd trust her not to do it again, because you love her and she loves you. If you suspect anything again or something like this does happen, do not question ending the relationship and getting custody over your kids. She made a mistake once and I'm pretty sure she's learnt from it, so you can forgive her. If she does it again, I'd definitely take action mate :)Good luck! xx
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