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female
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anonymous
writes: On July 19 2006 I posted a question "Advice from those people having affairs please."Forgive me if it came across that i was looking for validation for what i was doing,that was not my intention.I know i made a choice(albeit most think it a bad choice)I have spent the past three years trying to improve things with my husband but he is never willing to talk.I have even been seeing a guidance counsellor but my husband refuses to come with me,he tells me if he cant sort his own problems out then no-one can, certainly not a stranger.Thats why i posted my question here.sometimes you need the views and guidance of others in order to clarify exactly what is going on in your own mind,to help unravel the mess that you have got yourself into.so heres an update,i'm still trying to work things out with my husband,but it is proving ever difficult as he spends most evenings out with his friends and will not discuss why he doesnt want to spend his free time with me.As long as the house is clean,dinner is served,the kids are looked after(we have two boys)and i am compliant when he wants sex then we dont argue.Maybe thats how marriage is after so long?Maybe i expect too much in wanting the attention of my husband when he gets in from work only to go out again 3hrs later and not return until past midnight?my lover and i have cooled things off somewhat. i have seen him only once in the past month(it was every week) and although we did sleep together we decided after a long discussion that it would be best if we stopped our sexual relationship,which we have.I spent the rest of the evening crying after he left.I knew i was falling in love with him and i knew for that reason i could never have him againHowever I do not want to lose him as a friend,he has been one of my best friends ever since we first met years ago and we both still enjoy each other company. I would like to think that we can keep this kind of relationship( friends only)going but i guess only time will tell.I hope we can but maybe people will think that is wrong too?Thanks to everyone who gave their opinions, i dont mind most of you had a go at me,i know i deserved it. i can only hope that things improve with my husband and maybe we can get that spark ignited again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): You'll never make relationship one work whilst relationship two is waitng in the wings.. Love is about committment and you don't seem to be able to give that to your husband.
Perhaps you should tell him that you have option two on hold
and let him decide to find someone who will not hurt him anymore. No contact is the only way forward to you. It will give you the focus you need.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2006): What Snowbird says is absolutely on-target! You have to give up your (former) lover COMPLETELY. No trying to be friends, or you'll be back in bed with him.
Most likely your husband suspects "something" has been up with you for the last however many months, even if he doesn't know what. Your heart and mind being focussed on another is bound to have a negative effect on your husband's attitude toward you.
Keep up the counseling, even if he won't go with you. You need real assistance in sorting through all this, and seeing what can be done.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (17 August 2006):
 It is unrealistic for you to imagine that you will not have sex again with your lover if you continue to see him, even as a 'friend'..You say you broke it off before as you were falling in love with him..well I'm here to tell you that those feelings won't juat 'evaporate' into tne ether! You cannot control those feelings - you know only too well that is what got you into this mess in the first place. If you can cut yourself off completely from this guy it will be the only healthy thing to do. How can you carry on communicating with him, whilst at the same time trying to put your husband's mind at peace? Also, consider your lover's feelings in all this, he will need to press on with his own life, and it is not fair to any future partner of his if he is still seeing you, after all that has gone on before..
I know I have not told you anything you want to hear, but if you really want to make your marriage work, you have to get rid of the wedge that is driving you apart.
You do well to go to for counselling yourself, they are a tremendous help, and I do hope that they can find ways to help you to persuade your husband to come along too.
Tell your husband that they are not there to apportion 'blame', and that they can stand back and see the problem objectively, and not as you two do, (with all the emotional entanglement through which you cannot see the wood for the trees) He needs to go with you, as we on this site, although we can give our opinions with the back-up of our own experiences, we cannot get an in-depth view into your backgrounds, personalities, etc. Please get him to go with you!
It certainly helped me to see everything more clearly, and made it easier to come to a point where I could move on with my life. I hope you can do the same, for all your sakes. He is hurting still, but you can't go on with him sticking his head in the sand like this.
Take care, and please do not hesitate to e-mail me in private if you need a chat.
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