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female
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*abyblondie4u92
writes: ok.. i think i might be having a problem.. me and my boyfriend have been together for 1year and 5months and we have been living together for 7months and right now our sex life really isnt going anywhere.. he is all about sex but i have never been into it that much cuz when i was 16 i was raped.. he thinks that might be my reason why im not into it.. someone please help me.. i really want to get into it but he thinks im not sexually into him anymore! please help somehow
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): I think the best thing to do is to try and be referred to a counselor who is experienced with sexual abuse and rape.
You should be able to do this through your GP, but I personally think the best way to go about this is through private (paid) therapy. The reason is, you get a more experienced therapist, and, you have no waiting lists.
The reason you should talk to a therapist, and not your boyfriend about this is that there are thoughts and feelings about what happened that you probably don't want to tell your boyfriend. Similarily, it will not do him any good to know the graphic details of what happened.
He is also not trained, nor experienced, to understand what happened to you and going through what happened is likely to affect him quite badly. A therapist will know what to say to you, and will have ways of challenging your views towards sex and relationships.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Another point to mention is that when you move in with someone, the sex side of things does change, and usually decrease, and it can involve some work from both partners to keep things healthy and going. So perhaps that is the issue?
All the best
Peter
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006):
1. The good thing is if i can quote what he thinks (even though im not sure he said it as its not a quote)..."he thinks that might be my reason why im not into it." he sounds a loving and considerate gentleman.
Dont pressurise yourself, ok its putting a slight strain on your relationship, he wont leave you it sounds like you done the right thing by confiding in him and being open and it sounds like he understands and wants to help you through this together even though he gets frustrated by it at times.
2. Counselling should be the last option, they dont give a fuck about you only the money they receive, your boyfriend is the best bet as he loves you, ok he may not be a professional in the field but at the end of the day he is the person you will be having sex with not the counsellor and i doubt you want to have sex being watched and advised by a counsellor!
Now, i know there are counsellors out there who might find that offensive, its exagerated and i admit its based on the stereotype that counsellors talk down to people etc. and not care (i know there are some registered on this site) but my main point is in these cases its in the "bedroom" where all the counselling can go out the window and flash backs come back and you are back to step one.
3. You will need to be Brave and if i upset you and make you cry i apologise.
With the help of your boyfriend for comfort and support you need to re-live that awful occassion.
You need to write down what happened, how you felt, what you thought and what the rapist reaction and what the rapist said (if anything).
You can stop at anytime, continue at anytime so it doesnt necessary have to be done there and then, however, the sooner the better.
WHAT HAPPENED
Including position(s), method (vaginal, anal and/or oral) etc.
My girlfriend got raped, had her clothes ripped off, was raped up the anus and the rapist spread his load over her boobs.
So, at first there were no-go areas, she would strip/take her clothes of and not me doing so, i would not do anal sex with her or do any positions from behind, and i would have to cum inside her and not pull out and ejaculate anywhere over her body including facial and also i wouldnt want her to do tit wanks. So she never was near re-living the event over again.
Over time, slowly, removed restrictions one by one and now she is over it, however, still have nightmares but she not worried about having sex.
HOW YOU FELT AND WHAT YOU THOUGHT
Dont associate such thoughts with "sex", its not easy i know (well i have no idea tbh) and realise you thought and felt those things because you was "forced" to do something you didnt want to, and when you have sex in the future it is your decision and that you can stop at anytime if you feel uncomfortable.
RAPISTS WORDS AND REACTION
Now, when you were raped it wasnt a "man having sex" with you, it was a "evil mean animal forcing you to do something you didnt want to do". You will probably never ever forget the expression on his face, the look in his eyes and what he said if anything.
If any of your boyfriends or husband(s) have such an evil expression on their faces to cause you halm and force you to do something you dont want to then you have a right to feel scared but dont associate that event with being sex as it isn't.
4. By all means to be "sexually into someone" doesnt necessary imply "sexual intercourse", "making out" is technically a "sexual contact" and so is kissing. you can always do mutual masterbation, oral sex, [cyber sex,] fone sex,and use sex toys to please each other or even watch porn together.
5. I do recommend you trying Step 3, i put my hands up im no expert, im not qualified to give advice and i will be critised as this method isn't out of a book but a method i developed and successfully worked on my girl friend so i hope it can help you too. "Dont judge me on my methods but by my results".
Failing that you can try counselling but i think the answer is closer to you then you think..and thats your boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): It is an extremely difficult situation: You've been raped as a teen and thst has left an "exacerbating and deterrent" imprint on your mentality especially about sex and your future sexual patner. I guess the first step is to admit the problem. you should recognize the circumstances you're in. Talk to your man and give time to both of yourselves to explore "other" aspects of a mutual healthy relationship. Do'nt forget that sex contributes a lot to this relationship. Try to convince yourself that being raped at early stages of life does not necesserily mean that you have to "keep yourself far away" from experienceing sex: Make your boyfriend understand that you need time and a seond thought about it. Do not miss the right time to go for it.
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A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (17 August 2006):
 Probably it hs to do with it somehow but you should also consider that maybe you don't feel like having sex with him at all, if he is not motivating you in other areas or life or traeting you like a perfectly normal person who just doesn't feel like having sex at the moment, if you feel that this is is only concern about thesitation you may feel used and remember the rape, I think you should take into account the rape factor but also other like is intelectually interesting to you, does he know how to turn you on without meking you feel pressured to have sex... think about it and take your time, and remember It is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! it's something you'll have to solve together or leave
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A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (17 August 2006):
 First you need to get some councelling or advice as it is certainly a contributing factor to your not wanting sex, then you need to talk to him and tell him you need time and space to get over the rape, you are getting help and from him you want understanding, tell him to go sort himself out if he is sexually frustrated, a relationship is not purely about sex, sex is just a part of it and as it stands a part you do not enjoy.
Some of the sex issues maybe around both of your sexual inexperience, you may benefit from some sexual technique reading etc, you may also just not be sexually compatable, some people have a lower sex drive that others and that is fine it is just how it is but this can lead to incompatability which leads to the end of the relationship.
Personally I think a lot of your issues around sex are to do with the rape and his pressurising you.
Do not let him make you feel guilty, talk to him and if nothing changes then move on and give your self some alone time to let your body and mind heal without added pressures.
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