A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I wrote a post earlier regarding my adulterous affair and questioned if my husband could sue my lover...now ex-lover. Instead of suing, he did a background check on my ex-lover and found out that he was married. He found his wife on a social networking site and confronted her on the affair. Turns out he has children too! I found out a few days later after their initial message and wrote an apology email to her - cause I had no idea he had a family! She asked a few additional questions about the affair, but my husband already told her most of the details. She last spoke of leaving him. I think she was going to confront him today. On the flip side, my husband and I are giving each other space, but aren't confident things are going to work out, due to the longevity and intensity of the affair. So I'm wondering, what will the outcome be of both parties based on these positions...I suppose I'm taking a poll of sorts... Would you do everything in your power to rectify the wrongs in your relationship and strive to a better person? OR Would you find yourself rejected, unable to change and to lie and selfishly continue your pattern of escapism and cheating? I suppose it depends on what your spouse wants to. If your spouse rejects you, would you try to see your lover again? Would you realize you need to work on yourself before you get involved with anyone new? Or would you just go on some downward spiral? I'm curious to know people's opinions on what could happen...
View related questions:
affair, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I suppose I should be prepared then...
This has been quite an ordeal. Isn't it amazing how you can quickly change the course of your life? I suppose it had been building for some time, but when change happens, you quickly start forgetting how it was and start wondering what it could be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh my - lots of responses. Well, that's good to know at least. So my last question, do you think my ex-lover will ever contact me to hook up again? Obviously if he's able to resolve the issues with his wife, he won't, but if he doesn't...do you think he'll just move onto other women or want to pursue me again? He's the type of guy that would usually buy his women and he didn't have to buy me....so that's why I ask...
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 April 2010):
 Can I have some of whatever q's having?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, it could snowball into something bad. However, I've discussed things over with my husband, and we're just agreeing to go our own ways and not bother connecting with my ex-lover and his wife. What's done is done and it's time to move on. My ex-lover's wife hasn't spoke with us since last week, so I'm assuming they're handling the confrontation. Do you think it's good news or bad news that we haven't heard from them? I wrote a letter to my ex-lover saying my goodbyes, but I never heard from him. (didn't think i would) So do you think he'll try to sue my husband for telling his wife? At this point, besides their divorce, that's the only legal matter I could see surfacing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (13 April 2010):
 Your ex might give your husband the finger since everything is out in the open and he has no need to hide anything. Plus, I wonder if a "contract" of this nature can even stand up in court. But since your lover is wealthy and powerful, he may feel it's worth it to throw money at the problem and make it go away.
Truthfully, I bet your husband doesn't even care about the money. He's just looking for a way to get revenge on the man who helped ruin his marriage. The only way he can get justice is to take a swing at your ex's wallet.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 It might help others if they hear the rest of the story, so I've included a link to your original post.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/could-my-husband-sue.html
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want to be with my ex-lover anymore - I know that's not healthy. Do I miss him? Sure, but really, the only reason I would still want to talk to him is to fully understand his motivations so I can have better clarity of what exactly happened. Did he have feelings or was he just manipulating me this whole time? I'm assuming the later. I suppose, I do want to give him my two cents about it all, but I think those words will be best reserved for his wife. At this point, all that matters to me is that he honors what he promised me when we first started seeing each other - to invest in my husband's art, so to speak. Otherwise, I think I'll be the biggest fool I know, and I'm not sure if I can live with that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, Carrot2000. I had a similar sentiment to the situation. My husband did explain to my ex-lover's wife that my distractions caused by the affair have deeply effected our business (which I fess up to). There was something of an understood business deal that was wrapped up in the affair agreement with my ex-lover. Not like he was going to make me a star, or anything silly like that - but, as any benefactor to an artist, my ex-lover and I discussed intentions of investment in exchange for my attention. My husband now wants my ex-lover to honor that. His wife seemed open to it, depending on what happens in their relationship. Do you think that's a fair thing to ask? Do you think my ex-lover is just going to be a dick for ratting him out to his wife and give my husband the finger? I'm so upset by all of this. I feel like a fool for getting involved with such a monster. I sometimes wonder if he ever wanted to help me...I think he was just leading me on. I was just his some pretty, young pussy for him to parade around NYC. I'm such a fool for caring and turning my back on my relationship. It's a loose loose situation...but that's the bed I made.
...............................
A
female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (11 April 2010):
THE tone of your update makes me worried. somewhat blase. what is your true intention towards his wife. after all she has invested 20 years with this man and you seem indifferent/having hidden agendas to have her leave him. you obviously want to till be with him inspite of him kicking you to the curb when you fell pregnant. a sucker for punishment? you seem manipulative(i am failing with the correct words here since the Mods here on DC will reject this if it is a tad insensitive). you may want to earnestly look at any ulterior motives you may have towards his wife.one thing i can say: your husband has B*lls, i will give him that. he has guts.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (11 April 2010):
I posted after your follow up. Anyway, it's hard to tell whether your ex will get help or not. It all boils down to whether or not he thinks something is wrong with his behavior. As a wealthy, powerful man, he may think he is entitled to do as he pleases. If that's his mindset, he will not change anything about himself or his behavior and he won't spiral downward because there will always be someone willing to put up with him. If his wife leaves, he'll just find some woman with a low self-esteem and continue to lie and cheat. You know you were not the first woman he has cheated with and he's probably been caught many times before.His kids will probably harbor some sort of resentment towards him and grow up to have destructive relationships of their own. It's a shame people don't realize how their actions affect their families long after they are gone. He may never acknowledge what a piece of crap he is until he is alone on his deathbed. I don't think he'll be in a hurry to see you, as he ran for the hills when you got pregnant. He might want to hit it every now and again, but he'll never consider any kind of relationship with you. With the thrill of cheating gone, there really is nothing left between you. Plus, if you really mattered he would be helping you financially so you could get out of your marriage. You and your husband can't afford split up, but no matter what his wife will ALWAYS be financially taken care of. Seems a bit unfair, doesn't it? You're left with no marriage and no money, but his life still goes on. Don't worry about whether or not he goes downhill; that's up to him and you are no longer part of his life. Focus on yourself and your own dysfunction. Otherwise, you're going to find yourself in screwed up situations time and again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (11 April 2010):
So did your husband tell her about the pregnancy, too? I wonder if she'll really leave him. He's wealthy, so either way she and the kids will be taken care of.
Anyway, to answer your question:
I wouldn't base my decision to stay in a relationship solely on what my spouse wanted to do. If the marriage is over in my heart and mind, it's over, even if my spouse wanted to reconcile. I'd strive to be a better person and let my spouse know how much I regret my actions, but I would not try to repair a relationship that I broke. But if I wanted the marriage and my spouse rejected me, I'd be devastated, but I would not try to see my lover again. That would be a move made out of desperation and fear of being alone.
I'd definitely spend some time alone and try to work on myself. Dating would have to be put on hold until I addressed my issues and my mistakes, otherwise I might find myself in another unfulfilling relationship. I'm sure there would be some spiraling, but hopefully I would catch myself before I hit rock bottom.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): If it was your husband here I would advise him to get a lawyer and a divorce. (As are as suing your ex lover, if that was possible, why not?) and dispite what some posters here say your husbad did the right thing to contact your ex lover's wife, she has the right to know.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): I am not sure what advice to give you but some advice I can give you is not to listen to those who claim that none of it is your fault and that you should pursue whatever urge you feel at the moment. Humans are not slaves to our passions and urges. This is what sets us apart from animals. You are where you are because of the choices and decisions you have made. Plain and simple.
Take a long term view of your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm...interesting answers. Obviously not all the facts are presented so it could skew some of the opinions mentioned.
My perspective - I made a mistake by having an affair. Obviously my ex-lover and I have low self esteem and were looking for exterior validation from each other, rather than our spouses and family. I think we're both also sex addicts...and both expressed interest in getting into some more....untraditional sexual situations, sometimes involving even other people. And of course, we're both compulsive liars. We've been involved for nearly a year and used "work" as an excuse to see each other. Both our spouses were suspicious for months. We clearly neglected our lives for each other's attention. His wife, who is healthy with multiple children, doesn't want to be with him anymore...according to her last correspondence with me. They've been married longer - 20yrs and she doesn't feel like she even knows him anymore. He has been neglecting his family by running off to see me, and I vice versa. Saying he's well-off is an understatement, so divorce is a potential and profitable for her, but I know he won't want that if he can help it. As far as my husband and I's situation, we can't afford to split up right away and we have other business ties that will take some time to separate first. Neither one of us want to leave each other high and dry, but we probably aren't the best match. I'm just curious.. if my ex-lover is rejected by his wife...what he will do? Will he continue to go down a destructive path? Will he get help? Will he want to see me? I know where I stand - I need help and that's paramount...I suppose I hope the same for him...he meant a lot to me and I just don't want to see him go down hill because of this. We met each other for a reason; We became each other's mirrors revealing that we're both dysfunctional and need help.
...............................
A
male
reader, mygambit +, writes (11 April 2010):
I had a affair on my then fiance and now wife and mother of my son and soon to be of our second son now. The affair last about 6 months like yours. My wife found out because i thought i got the other girl pregnant. The other girl was only 17 and i was 20 at the time. i reported myself at the time for stationary rape. which apparently got dropped as after i talked to a some people at the court house annex i never got bothered about it again. she was also dating or rather engaged to another man who was 21 at the time too. anyways the pregnancy turned out to be another one of her lies.... she had alot of them. which i am no better i hurt my wife deeply by my charade. After i ended it my wife forgave me. that was 5 years ago but every 6 to 8 months that other woman would try to contact me and because it was so nice to hear from her i talked back and flirted a lot which was wrong i never saw her in person and never physically cheated on my wife. but i guess you could call it a Emotional affair. which my wife found out about so that makes me a two time cheater. i know i was low very low that was over a year ago now me and my wife finally got married this august and i broke all contact with the other girl. two months before my wedding the other girl wrote me and she said she would leave anyone for me and wanted me badly to which i replied i am flattered and i love my wife and only my wife my feelings for you are over. my wife forgave me two many times and she deserves better heck i know i don't deserve her but i am going to make my relationship work so please go find some one else who can make you happy. and well i deleted my myspace account after words so she would leave me alone. anyways. to answer you question and not go into my history ...(sorry i like to explain my situation and i like to rant forgive me). if my fiancee at the time and mother of my son rejected me well would i of still seen my then lover god probably sad to say she made me feel wanted and at the time my wife did not. i would of still made time for my son. since all my past bull shit and i put my through a lot and i DON'T DESERVE HER. a few woman friends of my wife and me and some of my coworkers hited on me but i have turned them down i think i have finally turned the other cheek and don't have the desire to see other woman or cheat on her i love my wife and i thank god every day and tell me wife every day she is beautiful and lucky i have her right now in then of may we will have or second child we are blessed.i guess my point is anyone can change the point is do you want to and do you deserve to be forgiven or hell do you even want to think if you want your husband or not and go from there and think if you will break his heart again.p.s i am the who posted the web link in you orginal post to support your husband could sue and you could of been sued in returnSORRY FOR LONG POST like to rant oh and forgive the horrible grammar
...............................
A
female
reader, empop +, writes (11 April 2010):
You need to forgive yourself for this affair. You are blaming yourself so much, that you can't even figure out what to do.
We're put in a difficult place in this society - you have to repress your natural sexual urges to please your partner, and if you fail, you are considered a "horrible" person instead of someone who just made a mistake.
Don't let your husband use this affair to control you and guilt you into whatever he wants. You had an affair for a reason (were you unhappy? bored? )
Even though you feel guilty, you still have a right to pursue your own happiness. Figure out what you want, and don't be afraid to go for it.
As for me personally (you asked) I would never stay with someone I was unsatisfied with. If I was bored enough to cheat, I would try my best to be kind and spare his feelings as much as possible, but then I would go and try to be with whoever made me happy. I think that, in your place, I would probably break ties with my current lover. Especially because it was not his place to contact your lover's wife (he knew nothing about their situation - what if she'd been dying of cancer, and he ruined her last month on earth? Wouldn't she have been happier not knowing?) Vindictiveness is never acceptable in a partner, and it's important to remember that even if your own guilt makes you feel that it's justified.
...............................
|
