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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, my name is Natasha and I'm 25 from Birmingham, West Midlands, UK, I originally wrote:-----------------------------------------------------My name's Natasha, I'm 25 and my husband is 28.Recently he's become obsessed with work, refusing to spend time with me at all.I tried suggesting a romantic night in - but he took on an extra shift (he works in the radio industry here in Britain!)I can't understand why he does this, as we're not poor, and he gets a decent income.I've tried discussing it with him - but he says, it's not important and we don't need to discuss the issue.What should I do?--------------------------------------------------An update on the situation; I asked him if he was having an affair but he said no way would he have an affair.However, he's still obsessed with work and taking on extra shifts on other stations within the group.I want a romantic night in with him but he insists on taking on more shifts, still refusing to spend any time with me. I can't understand why he does this, as we're not poor, and he gets a decent income.He won't discuss it any further, and claims it's "none of my business". He says it's unimportant, and that we don't need to discuss the issue.How can I deal with this situation before I get stressed??Natasha xxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): I guess you're going to have to give him an ultimatum to make him talk about him. Something is obviously up. Who knows what it might be - and don't get too concerned it could be something totally unexpected - but there is obviously something.
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (31 October 2006):
 Hi Natasha,
Well, it *is* your business that he is spending all of his time at work because it's putting a strain on your relationship. He needs to realize that, and since he's obviously in denial maybe it's time that you two seek couples counseling. It seems as though trying to talk with him on your own has gotten nowhere. It looks like he's feeling attacked rather than being "confronted" to work through relationship problems. Maybe telling him thta you would like to go to couples counseling will at least make it sink in that you are really having a tough time with him being gone at work for so many hours. Hopefully he will not become defensive about your suggesting the counseling, either.
If you don't want to bring up the counseling, then maybe try to talk to him again. Are you sure that you don't sound angry with you speak with him? Maybe he gets all defensive and whatnot because he feels like he's being attacked. Have you tried writing down how you're feeling? This might help you carry on the conversation and stay on point. Chances are you're going to be emotional and that could lead to straying from what points you were trying to make. Writing them down may help. And it might also be a good idea to even give him the points in the form of a letter. This way he can't think that you're having a tone with him.
Regardless of if you choose to speak with him or give him your feelings in writing, make sure that you focus on the both of you - not just how he is gone and it's making you upset. Try to write down some things that you view as positive in the relationship, and how you want to have more of that. How the positive things make you feel. Hearing positive things, in addition to the negative, might make him not get all angry, you know?
I also think maybe you should plan a night for the both of you when you KNOW that he will be home. Make it really special and everything. Then maybe you could tell him that's how you want it to be more often, and if he were to spend more time at home then your relationship would be even better and you could do more fun things with each other - like what you would be doing that night.
And aside from him having relationship troubles with you, it can't be healthy for him to be this obsessed with work anyway. He must be putting so much pressure and stress on himself! That might be another reason why he seems so on edge when you speak with him. Have you considered going on a vacation together - to some place relaxing? Maybe something like a spa? You could try to book it as a present for the both of you during the upcoming holidays. At least that would give you an excuse to go. Of course, you could just give him the time off with you because you love him. :)
So, in summary, I say try to talk things out or write him a letter if you need to or maybe even suggest counseling. If he refuses to have a romantic night - just have one ready for him when he walks in. It might change his mind and he'll want to have more of them in the future. Or else you could try booking a relaxing getaway for the both of you so you could have alone time together without work getting in the way.
If none of this works, then I'm afraid you'll either have to get more patience (if that's even possible) or think about whether or not you want to spend anymore time with someone who values work over you. It will be a tough decision to make, but you will do what works best for you in the end. Trust yourself.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): He's already been promoted to working on the larger stations within the group of stations that the company owns.
No, he can't feel under threat if he's being promoted - but he insists on doing 2-3 shows a day, which means I barely get to see him.
There's no evidence of him having an affair; my friend verified he was on the radio because she heard him on mid-morning show 10am-2pm on one station, and said he was also on 1am-6am doing overnights on another one. (note:these are UK times!)
His friend also told me "he is dedicated to his job, how could he ever have an affair?" and the evidence proved true - my husband isn't with another woman.
He is still refusing to discuss the situation, only ever coming home to eat/drink and sleep.
I want a romantic night in/out with him but his obsession with work is causing me worry and upset.
We're still getting a good income, so no worries about money.
Yet he still claims "it's none of my business", and that I shouldn't get all "heated up" about it.
It seems like I'm going nowhere now...
Natasha
xxxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): Hello Natasha
Does he feel under threat about his job or is he trying to get a promotion? That could explain the situation a little.
I would most certainly not be happy with the situation that you are in at all. The reason is that he should be interested in your happiness and not being totally selfish. If you suspect an affair it should be reasonably easy to check it out. It may not be that, but whatever it is it is something selfish and if he does not look out he will drive you out of the relationship. He really ought to be more careful and nurture your relationship. These things are a priority of life. You should be precious to him and he should be focussed on you.
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