A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Once upon a time (1997 - 2001-ish), I was married and had two children. This marriage was one "forced" upon me by my parents due to accidental pregancy (I was 18 years old at the time and didn't feel like I had any other options and they were saying I needed to be a man and deal with it). I tried to accept responsibility for my actions and to try to make the marriage work, but we were just too different, total personality clash and she was very bossy and controlling (she was 4 years older than me).About 3 years into being miserable at home, I met someone at work that I immediately felt attracted to. She worked in a different department and I would have to deliver paperwork over to her several times each day. I knew she had a boyfriend, but at first I just wanted to be her friend because she was so nice and easy to talk to. (I didn't have any friends at this point because everyone from High School LEFT the state to go to college - I was one of the few left in town after we graduated). We would go to lunch on occasion, she'd help me with some homework I had for come college coursework I was going through. My feelings during this time had grown and by Christmas I opened up and told her how I felt. Turned out, she felt the same way and we began having an affair in the month of January 2001. It didn't take very long for my wife to figure this out and once it came to light, she filed for divorce. It was a relief to me because it had been something I was afraid to do on my own (she was bossy/in control of everything). The divorce was a mess and not something I would wish upon anyone. The amount of stress I went through to fight for custody of my kids was horrible. In the end, the judge approved 50/50 custody and granted the divorce. I was living in my own place and excited to start a new life with my girlfriend/lover from work. Well, the bad news is that she was also in a very controlling/difficult relationship and she told me that she was sorry, but she didn't think that she would be able to leave him. Subsequently, she took at job out of state and they all relocated down there with her. I was devastated at the time. This threw me into a deep depression where I could barely get out of bed to go do work. It took a long time to get over the pain, but with help from family, friends and church I got back on my feet. About 3 years later, I had started working out in a gym and ended up befriending a lady there whom I started to have feelings for. She was a bit mysterious and some days seemed very happy to see me, other days, she'd barely say hi. I had atempted to ask her out a few times and I didn't get anywhere. It was pretty frustrating for me. Out of the blue one day, I received an email from my ex who had moved out of state saying that she realizes that she made huge mistake and that she wants to move back home and start over. I was a little reluctant, but after talking it over for a few days - telling her that I can' promise anything will work out if she comes back because we've both likely have changed/grown as people, she decided she would make the move back home. We have never lived together, I have my own place with my kids and she has her own. On the nights I have my kids I don't really see her. We tend to get together on the nights they are with their mother. So I have always felt like I have two lives, so to speak. When she was around them, she always seemed a little bit uncomfortable and if there was something they were doing that she didn't like, she'd whisper it to me so that I would be the one to address it - even if I didn't think it was anything worth addressing.She has been back home 5 years now and we had talked about getting married and it was always something that we both felt wouldn't work out. She has a nice house and wants to keep it very neat - I have a modest apartment that is lived in due to the kids. I had been wanting to get in shape and I had asked her to work out with me, in which at the time she wasn't interested. So I began working out at work. In the gym at work I ended up meeting a co-worker of mine who asked if she could join in on the Fitness DVD set I was using on the TV in the gym. I agreed (since it's a public place) and even another lady came on board to do the DVD. So we had the 3 of us working out - never at any point did I say I was single. Everyone in the group was aware of each person's S.O. and often times we'd just talk and ask how things were going. I'd sometimes use those opportunities to talk about my GF and about how the situation with the kids bothered me and more specifically, how I felt like things were going nowhere. One of the ladies, Shelly, had good advice and always seemed to try to point me in the right direction. When it got nice enough outside to run, we'd go out at lunch and run a track - again often times just catching up on stuff with the kids and also stuff with our S.O.'s. I didn't feel like I needed to tell my GF about this, so while I told her I was going to the gym to work out, I didn't mention with whom. I figured she'd be really upset and besides, it was nothing and I didn't want start another fight. Well - foolish me. I ended up having some feelings for Shelly - while I never told her this, it came to a point where I felt I needed to search my heart to find out if I love my Girlfriend or if I should break up with her to start a possible new relationship. I had prayed about this for weeks - I even told my GF about the decision I needed to make and ultimately my decision after much thought was to break up. That was end of May 2010. She took it very hard, crying very hard and I was very concered for her well-being. After around 4 days I stopped by her house to see how she was doing and we ended up talking again and I realized that she was my best friend and she convinced me to try things over again. I agreed. We decided to plan a trip together sort of as "make it or break it" trip - if we could survive this together, then we'd be stronger because of it. When I got back from my trip in July 2010 I had found out that Shelly got engaged and moved in with her boyfriend over that time period. I was pretty upset about this because she never really talked about him and she always made it sound like he was never around. I took this as my answer to prayer that the door had been closed and I told her that I wished her the best but now that she's living with someone, we can't hang out or be friends. I decided to work full time on my relationship with my girl friend. This included talks about getting married and what that might look like and how that might work. We both go to the same church and the often talk about relationship progression into marriage, so it was something we had started feeling like we were supposed to go in order to be right with God. In October 2010, we decided to get married. But it was more of in the way where I said to her - we've been though some good times and bad times together and you are also my best friend. If we've made it this long, I don't see how we couldn't make it in marriage. So with that, I bought her a ring, we set a data in early 2011 and also took care of all of the honeymoon expenses. So you are probably wondering where am I going with this question. The problem I am having right now is that I feel like getting married is possibly the wrong choice. We've been together so long, we don't say "I Love You" to one another, I don't really feel too attracted to her (some days are better than others depending on how she does her hair or makeup), I still to this day have not met her parents (she has met mine several times - and my grandparents). The whole thing seems to be rushed and now that it is coming closer I am having panic attacks about it. I don't want to hurt her at all - she is my best friend, that I know for sure. But is she THE ONE for me, for the rest of my life? I just am not sure on that one. Especially in light of what happened over the summer with Shelly - which I should add contained NO physical/sexual anything - we were not engaged in an affair - perhaps an emotional one. I have not told my GF about this and that too makes me feel guilty. I spoke with my pastor about the situation and he said that since we are not married, he didn't think I did anything morally wrong, rather, a lack of good judgement but he did state that I did break up with my GF in order to try to test my feelings. He said that telling her about it if she is already in a strong emotional state would only cause her pain that he felt was unnecessary. He also said that if I don't feel like I am ready for marriage, that I by no means should go through with it. I want to avoid hurting her and I also want to avoid making the wrong decision. I am a total wreck right now - can't eat, sick stomach, anxiety, breathing fast/hard...I don't know what to do. The wedding is in 2 months.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha - thanks for correcting me. You are correct, she is my fiancee. One other thing I should point out is that I am going through some depression right now and that is also where all of this anxiety comes from. Looking back it seems to always come every few years during the winter months, so I am not trying to make excuses, but I have to say that I am certainly not my usual self at this time. In terms of Love for her, she is my best friend, the person I spend every day with, I care deeply for her. But we've been together for many years now and the initial "romantic" love feelings have faded. Even she admits to that, however, also concedes that if we work on it those feelings can return, which I agree with. Does she make me a better person - yes. Does she complete me in some way that makes me content, happy, etc. - yes. If I was not with her I would not know what else to do with myself. The last question is a yes and yes because I am terrified of the unknowns/what-ifs in life.I haven't met her parents after something happened with her last boyfriend. They really liked him and when she broke up with him they told her that they didn't want to meet any more of her boyfriends because "all she does is break up with them" and they end up liking this guy and it is frustrating for them. They are also social recluses who do not like leaving the house for really anything other than their jobs and grocery shopping. She did tell them about the marriage, however they reacted very negatively and told her that they did not want to come to the ceremony.Petina - when she left and moved out of state - I was devastated. Thankfully I have an understanding boss as I spent many "sick" days at home in bed unable to function because I was so sad. It took a long time to work myself out of that funk. Thank you both for taking the time to write answers for my situation. I do appreciate it.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Excuse me, but what is it you feel for your fiancee? What kind of love?
And I think you should be honest with your fiancee (she's not just your girlfriend, you have a wedding scheduled with her, she's your fiancee), she knew you had another interest and you misrepresented your feelings to her. "I have to be honest, I did have a crush on another woman, it didn't go beyond that, just the feelings which I never expressed to this woman." If you don't plan to go through with the wedding, it's kind of moot, I guess, but I'll bet your fiancee would be happy to know she wasn't losing her mind. I think being honest about your feelings is the best thing you can do for her and yourself. It's not pleasant to have to share the dark side of yourself but this is part of who you are and if she can cope with it then you'll wind up being stronger as a couple.
That is, IF you really are ready. Which you don't sound, personally. You have too much worry about if she's the right one for you. There is no ONE right person for you, there are probably many potential candidates for you that would be a good match. At some point, if you want to get married again, you have to take that leap of faith, and commit to that person that you will try your damnedest to make the relationship work. Even if another excellent candidate for you appears the next day on the doorstep. You have made your commitment and you go from there.
There will always be 'what ifs' in life. What if I had chosen to go to this school? What if I had taken that job instead of this one? What if I had lived in this town instead of that one? What if? You can drive yourself bananas percolating through all the potential outcomes of the road not taken..... but what's the point in that?
Ultimately, yesterday is the past, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the present, and the best thing for me is to make the most of my present, and acknowledge what a gift it is.
Today, I chose to wake up next to my husband and go on about my day doing the things I had scheduled to accomplish. Today, I choose to appreciate my husband for all he does for me and us and I am grateful for the gift of health, friends and family. Tomorrow, I will tackle that when I get there.
Does your fiancee make you a better person? Does your fiancee complete you in some way that makes you content, happy, passionate, or some other positive emotion? Are you with her because it is the best thing for the both of you, or are you just with her because you don't know what else to do with yourself? Are you with her because she makes the future a richer and brighter potential, or are you with her because you are afraid of the future as a solo act?
One more thing. Why haven't you met her parents?
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 You could let her know about the other GF because it shows you have a concience and you want to go into your marriage honestly. The 'in love' feeling can last a lifetime if you both work at it by the way. When only one is trying then it will never work. Try to imagine the way you felt when you were not with your fiance'. That is a feeling that would come naturally, telling y ou that you are making the right choice and you should be with her. Not too many people make us feel like that in a lifetime. If you don't know where to start you could always show her these notes, to show her that you are seeking answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your quick replies. In regards to the summer friendship I had with the other lady, which I am thankful that it did not end up in ANY SORT of physical relationship, do you feel this is worth even telling my GF about or will it only cause her more pain and cause her to doubt me. I was torn over what to do last summer - is my GF the one for me or is there someone else out there for me and after being together for so long I decided to test those feelings out. While it is true that I had feelings for Shelly, in the long run I feel like any issues I had with my GF would have only been traded for others with her. The "In Love" feeling doesn't last forever in ANY relationship so of course hanging out with Shelly was fun and exciting. After I broke up with my GF, I was by myself for a few days and I just felt like I lost my best friend and I had no idea what to do with my life. So I am thankful that nothing further happened with Shelly and at this point we do not hang out at all or really speak to on another unless passing in the hallway.
When I broke up with my GF this past summer, she said that she "knew someone else was involved" and I denied it saying it was just something I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't have anything planned out with Shelly - she has a boyfriend. As far as she knew, we were just friends and she probably didn't have any other sort of feelings for me. So there wasn't anyone waiting in the wings - I just felt like I needed to test things and see how I felt. However, I have now been feeling guilty about the whole situation and I feel like I should tell her, but I am concerned that she will think I am lying and that something DID happen sexually with this other lady.
Thoughts, Suggestions?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2011):
I'd say postpone the marriage. You are far from certain that this is the right choice for you. You're going to wind up married and feeling as though you were forced into it again. I'd advise some couples counseling, to work through the inevitable hurt and anger this postponement will cause, have that already scheduled and get into right away as you tell her. This isn't going to be easy.
If she is so emotionally fragile and telling her may cause her to do herself harm, be sure to be ready to get her the professional help she needs as well.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation and he wound up not marrying the woman he'd proposed to, as he felt pressured into it and she and he weren't really a good couple together. Longterm, they both would have been miserable in the marriage, had they gone that far. Their couples counselor made them read this book: "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills, PhD. You'll see by the age on the book that this was a while ago. Since then, my friend has married a good match for him and is happier than he ever thought he would be. If he had a solid job, he'd be ecstatic.
Those physical symptoms you are having are exactly the ones my friend experienced before he worked up the courage to end the engagement. You are having anxiety attacks. Please do see your doctor and describe your symptoms. There may be something that can help you. In the meantime, get yourself out of the marriage commitment, you are so not ready for it. That's not the end of the world, it's not a major character flaw. It just is what it is, you aren't there yet. Don't force something that will be a disaster from the start. Okay?
Take care, keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (13 January 2011):
You can get your self in to a right tizzy sometimes can't you. You need to focus on the woman you are going to marry because reading between the lines I think she is the one y ou really want and I think y ou are having a panic attack. Get it in to y our mind set if you are to marry you must 'foresake all others', just like it says in the marriage vows, that's what it means. If you still are in a whirl, just put the wedding day back by a few months until you get used to the idea and settle your nerves.
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