A
female
age
36-40,
*iss Pot Noodle
writes:Hey, I have been going out with this guy for 5 months now, at first it was great we spent time together he baught me flowers a few times and we went out on walks, baught each other meals and things. I was introduced to all his friends, they were nice and we got on well. So generally all was fine. Only that he enjoyed going out the most, having a few drinks and being with his friends. This was fine, I had no problem with it but then he started to..not come around and see me or when he did, he'd be slightly drunk but we'd chat and make love sometimes.Last month, I was diagnosed with mild depression, and took time off work to chill out, I got some books and seeing a councellor. I let him know, kept him up to date with it all and everything seemed fine. A few days ago, I got a text at 4 in the morning, I was now back in work and doing early shifts so I didn't see the text till I got up for work at 7. It spoke about breaking up and that we should talk about saving it, that confused me a lot as I never spoke or even got a mention of us breaking up at all. So I just went to work as if nothing happened, when I got home I had a facebook request to change our relationship to "Complicated" I was annoyed and went to his work to discuss it, I didn't make a scene or anything just calmly asked why he did it, We both went upstairs to discuss it when he spoke about needing time to think and everything is complicated, confusing and doesn't know what to do. I got upset, I have not had great relationships most finished within a few months and they all used me for sex only and dumped me over the phone or text. I wanted to fight, he wanted to give up and run away. The same night I went home, he kissed and hugged me good bye then I went to bed and later in the evening called me saying he'd made the wrong descision, he wanted to be with me, loved and cared about me. So he left the pub to see me and tell me this, he was happy but a little tipsy. My mom wasn't amused by this, and I remained skeptical due to the drink influence. Yesterday I went to see him after I finished work, he told me he was staying in that night, fair enough I could go home have my bath and chill out. He called me later on to say some friends had asked if he were out so I thought.."I'm going to go, I want to make this work" we had a nice night, though I was really tired -- managed to stay awake till pub closing time and we left.When we got to mine, he seemed depressed again and looked conflicted inside, he couldn't decide wether to go back to his or stay with me. He stayed but we sat, hugged and talked to one another for a bit till I couldn't stay awake, so we went up and ended up making love. During it, his phone rang -- (Told me it was turned of) and dashed about getting changed because they were worried the person called and hung up was in distress..turns out they were'nt just fell asleep and accidentially rang him. But he stayed at his, and I got a good night sleep with MY phone turned off. To sum it up, he likes to go out, I like to stay in but can go out when I feel like it. I am a little anxious, introverted and slightly afraid of my panic attacks when outside which is why I don't go out a lot, he knows this and is encouraging. We tidied my room up, changed it around and it looked great! then I got lazy and let it go messy again(I spend a lot of time on my computer, I play games on it which he doesn't mind but wants me to go out more). I am just lost and so confused, I am really happy with him, without having to say or do anything I just love his pressence. But when we are together I feel like I am making him sad, that I am not pretty enough or I talk too much(Nervous), he even said I was a little childish but I was willing to work through my issues for him. I went to the dentist to sort out my teeth, got a book on coping with Anxiety, I talk more to his friends and talk more about his day at work, and really make an effort. But I feel like he doesn't care, that he just wants to go out, waste his money on drink and come see me when he's lonely. I don't know what to do, I really want this to work so badly. What can I do to help him? Sorry if its a little confusing as thats how I feel right now.
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female
reader, Miss Pot Noodle +, writes (7 December 2009):
Miss Pot Noodle is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well we were meant to have a talk last night, after he left work so he'd be sober. Come Midnight, nothing and his phone was turned off..I stupidly stayed up till 4am and was finally able to ring him. I told him, I want it said to my face as thats the least I deserve.
He eventually came around but said nothing just the odd word or two whilst I talked, after a while he just put one hand on my shoulder, kissed my head and left without saying anything else. So Now I take it as it's over, without even bothering to fight to be together.
Once again, I will have great difficulty trusting men in a relationship again, I really thought he was different. I really thought, he'd be manly enough if he truely cared as much as he kept saying to tell it to me to my face, but like my exes he hid behind a plastic screen or phone.
I might as well accept that I'll never have happiness or a man to love me.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 December 2009):
I'll take away the confusion. Getting rid of all emotion, this is a man who can't make his mind up at all. You actually summed it up. He likes to go out, waste money and come to you when he's lonely.
You've been through a lot, and clearly this is having an effect on you and your judgement (I don't mean to sound harsh there). I think if you are unhappy, then you're more likely to settle for second best, and I think that's what you've done with this guy. So perhaps this is the moment where you step away, and focus entirely on your life and making yourself happy without him there to make you feel guilty or unhappy. Focus on your life and what you want from it. He wont' change. If all he does now is drink and come to you when you're lonely, then chances are in another ten years, he will still come to you drunk when he's lonely. And you deserve better. So go and make yourself happy with new hobbies, and perhaps a few new friends, and then, when you're ready, you'll meet a guy who will commit to you.
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