A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My parents have been divorced for about 15 years now and my relationship with my mother has always been rather rocky but I feel our problems have particularly escalated recently. It all started when I moved in with my boyfriend in Pennsylvania. Previously, I was about 30 minutes from my mother, currently I am about an hour and a half away. During the past 5 years and various locations I have lived in, my mother has never really visited me, I was always expected to go to her and because of this, I would see her maybe once a month. My relocation has made it hard for me to visit her, I see her holidays and birthdays (even my own, she still refuses to come to me even then) and now that my boyfriend and I have gotten engaged, holidays are especially hard. Both of our parents are divorced and live in 4 different cities across 2 states. This Christmas we decided to ask everyone to come to our home so we could actually enjoy the holiday. Everyone agreed to except my mother. She gave me every excuse in the book: she didn't want to leave my grandfather alone, she didn't want to drive in the dark, she didn't want to drive period... I tried to give her a solution for every issue she threw at me and she never gave in. It came to the point where I gave up and told her I'd have to see her the following week if she couldn't come to see me. She then began to accuse me of picking my boyfriend's family over her and how on Thanksgiving I did it too. On Thanksgiving I came to her house at 11 and left at 3 to go to Thanksgiving dinner at my future sister-in-law's home. Apparently by doing that I was choosing them over her, I don't exactly know how...Anyway, I told her I could see her on New Years Day, she asked me why I couldn't see her the day after, I said because I already had plans to go to Correl's family party and she again, said I was choosing them over her. She told me she had no plans on New Years Day, so I don't see how that is in any way shape or form choosing them over her. It seems that I have to change and cancel all of my plans to prove to her I care about her.As if all of that isn't enough... I now face two other problems. In August my boyfriend and I planned to go to a convention together in Maryland, it just happens to fall on the same day my cousin's wedding is. My mother is going to flip out when I tell her I can't go, but we had this hotel booked for a really long time and I am not in any way close to my cousin. Plus, my mother now wants me to go to her best friend's wedding with her in the Caribbean. Not only do I not want to waste my money or vacation days to go to her wedding, why on earth would I want to go away with my mother with the way she has been treating me lately?The biggest problem I face here is she will never listen to me. No matter what I say or do everything will always be my fault. It doesn't matter what I feel because her feelings mean more.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): Your mom probably didn't form any other relationships after she and your Dad divorced ???
She is having serious "abandonment" issues and she's feeling like you left her. She is WRONG of course, she want's you to live your life "for her" because she denied her own life when she choose to only concentrate on raising you instead of also making a life for herself.
She is also using the only "weapon" she has,, GUILT, to get you to pay attention and live your life according to what suits her needs.
LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! Do NOT internalize her issues as your problem. You can only live your life for yourself and your future husband/family. It is totally her choice to either want to live her life accepting your life and being a part of your life.... or not.
Guilt is only a 'weapon' IF you allow it to be. You are smart enough to NOT let that happen. You have made very wise choices about holidays etc.. She chose to not be apart of your life.
She liked the part of life where she could control you. This part of life where she can't "control",,,, well she's not doing so well with that. That again,,,, HER PROBLEM! She either fixes it or she doesn't.
DO NOT INTERNALIZE it, You have your life to live and have made generous attempts to include her as a part of it.
She just chooses not to because she realizes she's NOT in "CONTROL" anymore.
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 My mother is 81 now and what you describe i can relate to and lots more.
If this site had been available years ago i would have been posting here about my mum for sure.
In my experience my mum only got worse with age. If this happens to you, getting angry and internalising guilt etc will make you poorly.
I used to take things like this very personally and get very upset. Please don't make the same mistake.
If she doesn't want to do something, accept that and say ok and don't think anymore about it.
As for the guilt trips she gives you, assert yourself with her. Its the only way in the end.
Not everyone is cut out to be a mother, unfortunately people still have kids.
Hope things work out x
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