A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've known my friend "Lisa" since high school and we are both 30 now. We weren't each other's best friends but were still close. We started hanging out more often in 2019. That was the year my ex-fiance and I broke up. She invited me to several socials with her close friends circle which now looking back, I truly appreciate. That was her way of showing support.Lisa got engaged in 2019 as well and I was invited to her destination wedding, but that was cancelled due to the pandemic. During 2020 and 2021, she was immersed in her work. She is incredibly passionate and talented in her work and I'm very proud of her. She and her fiance also started their own niche businesss. It is doing incredibly and I'm very happy for her. We huung out via video chat once in 2020. In 2021, I tried to hang out with her a few times but it was always postponed due to work-related events or travel (which were all genuine).I soon realized that I was always the one reaching out and offering my support and congrats, and not the other way around, so I decided to stop reaching out. Since then, we haven't interacted aside from the original photo comments and likes on social media. I've met many people in life and Lisa is one of the best I know--she is very empathetic, kind, funny, driven, and smart. Someone I would like to be friends with for a long time. But I believe that you make time for those important to you, no matter how busy you are, and unfortunately she doesn't feel the same way about me so it was time to let the friendship go. And that's ok. It doesn't change what we once had and the wonderful impact she's had on me. Should she reach out again in the future to meet up, I'd be happy to. Last week, I saw through a mutual friend that she is having her wedding this weekend. This is time it is local, not destination. I didn't know that she decided to have a wedding after all. Although I acknowledge that we've grown apart and I'm naturally not on the guest list this time because of that, it still hurts. It's having a way bigger impact on me that expected and I wish I didn't know. Lisa herself hasn't posted anything related to her wedding on social media. My problem is with my feelings and not with her. I don't think she's done anything wrong. And as someone who was once in the middle of wedding planning myself, I know first hand how incredibly expensive it is to include one more person. I have nothing against her. Lisa is one of the most empathetic people I know so I'm sure she was very careful with her guest selection as well.Although our friendship faded a couple of years ago, I now feel like I've been "officially" left behind and it hurts. I think it hurts more because I was previously invited to her wedding, and not anymore. If I was never invited in the first place, I may feel differently.My sadness comes up a few times a day but nothing serious. But when I sleep, I keep having dreams about hanging out with her and her fiance (also a friend) or being invited to the wedding. I think it's having a bigger impact than expected. How do I deal with this in a healthy way?
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best friend, broke up, engaged, fiance, my ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2022): You've admitted from the very start you may have invested more towards the friendship than Lisa. Observe how committed someone is to a friendship-connection; based on the frequency of visits (real-time spent together in-person), and various modes of communication. Communication by device is the exception to the rule; because it is less personal, not a very good means of measuring human emotions. The previously mentioned indicators are your cues or signals to pace yourself; and should prompt you not to overestimate, or presume, how close you are with certain individuals.
People may be more supportive during a crisis or emergency; and this is often misread to mean they are a bestie. More often, it is more attributed to kindness and compassion; and this is something you can offer a complete stranger. If you are a healthcare-provider, an advisor, or consultant; you may offer people considerable compassion and attention, but you shouldn't interpret that to be more personal than it truly is. Some impartiality/detachment has to be instituted, and boundaries set.
It is natural to feel a little rejected or dejected when you've given people the honor of considering them a friend. You can base everything on your own feelings and investment; you also have to take into consideration what the other person feels and thinks about it. If they seldom (if ever) offer you their sentiments about how they feel towards being friends with you, and you find yourself always professing your own devotion and dedication; that in itself speaks volumes of where they're coming from. Be cognizant of, and sensitive to, unspoken boundaries. We often get ahead of ourselves; because we sometimes get a little needy or lonely. We might even get a little over-attached to the first person who shows us exceptional kindness. Often people get emotionally-attached to their doctor, therapist, coach, religious leader, or a teacher for this reason. Sometimes people become romantically-attracted to people who seem to show them remarkable kindness and attention. While the object of their affections is totally oblivious to their attraction, and feel completely platonic about their connection to that person. Although they may be fond of them, or have high regards.
The missing wedding invite is just a little bit of a bruise to your pride and ego; and maybe a slight embarrassment, coming to realize she didn't value your friendship as much as you valued hers. It is what it is. You let the nagging-emotions reach their peak, and you ride it out. The burn will start to dissipate in a reasonably short time; if you don't become petty or bitter. Don't dwell on it. Resentment will blow things out of proportion; and you will find yourself stewing in it. That means you're overthinking it, and you're taking it a little too personally.
You've listed some pretty good reasons why you shouldn't take it so badly; and you should concentrate on those reasons, so bitterness, indignity, and pridefulness will not elevate this beyond more than a "misunderstanding." You're mistaking it for a spite or a snub. That contradicts your previous assessment of her character and personality.
Defer to your maturity and dignity, and that ought to bring things back into normal perspective. Knowing she is a good person at heart, be open and receptive whenever she reaches out; but don't let this wedding issue become a bone of contention. She has a right to invite whomever she wants, and that may have been limited to her most intimate friends and relatives. You've been out of touch, and may not fulfill some of the criteria she had to consider when choosing guests to her wedding. It by no means indicates you're not important to her. If that's what this is all about; judging her according to her guestlist might be somewhat unfair and being petty. You can't read her mind, or accurately judge her intentions; only because you were not invited to her wedding. Sometimes practicalities and finances overrule your feelings. Some relatives may have been left out as well.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2022):
 How do you deal with it?
By being realistic.
You know the friendship was dead in the water for a long time and you still tried to throw it a life raft, she just didn't make time to pick it up. Because SHE also knew it was over.
It can sting, for sure. She probably didn't mean it to string you, she just didn't consider you all at. Which feels awful.
She might also have had a WAY smaller guest list for this one. And personally, I fully understand that when making a guest list inviting people who you DO spend time with is important. More important than people you don't even talk to.
I would do As YCNBS suggested, drop off a small gift and card and leave it at that. And then focus your time and energy on friendships where both parties are willing to put in the work to keep it going.
I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 October 2022):
 I firmly believe everyone crosses our path as part of the universe's plan for us. It sounds like Lisa was one of your "friends for a reason". She was there for you when you needed support following the break-up of your engagement. You no longer need her support and she has gently removed herself from your life.
Read this to understand:
"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."
As you still - understandably - think fondly and highly of your former friend, I would drop her a small thoughtful gift and a card, wishing her and her future husband all the best. Then step back and let her go.
You sound like a loving and generous person. You will make new friends (you probably already have a few) who will bless your life by their very being.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 October 2022):
Test - because this site sometimes rejects replies :-)
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