A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm in quite a miserable situation and ask for any advice, as it's hard for me to discuss the situation with a friend.I would be very happy about any comment or advice.I'm together with my girlfriend now for 3 years, and we have been very happy for quite a long time, but since we moved together 6 months ago, I think much more about quitting our relationship. I was already quite unsure before, if it was right thing to move together, but not doing so might have ended our relationship.So we did it, and now i can't stop thinking about other girls, and if i would be happier with them.The problem is, that there are times when I'm really happy with her, but sometimes it's not so. Also, I'm quite unhappy with our sex activities, because she's quite passive in bed, she's doing less and less sport and gaining weight somehow.On the one side i like her being not so thin, but on the other side, I don't like it and dream quite often about slim and sporty girls.So altoghether, I'm just not so happy with her, even though many things with her are really nice.I don't know if I would find another girl after her, that would make me more happy.But now we get to the second, much more problematic thing. That is, that I kind of fell in love with my girlfriends best friend, which is absolutely terrible to me, because I feel imprisoned in this situation, that I can't tell that girl my feelings, and that I could never stand hurting my girlfriend with this...Now, this is not just a temporal thing, but this whole overall situation started maybe 2 years ago, and it's getting worse and worse.I wanted to see if time would solve the problems, but it's just going more badly all the time.I don't know what I should do. Should I quit with my girlfriend? What should I do then? Wouldn't it be stupid to end such a relationship, which has so many beautiful sides? Could I change anything about the me to solve the situation? Is there any way I could tell my girlfriends best friend my deep feelings to her?Questions over questions, and I don't know what to do.
View related questions:
best friend, fell in love Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): if you love really dont try to leave her and dont try to break her heart. Try to know about her real boy friend if that is you then allright if no then try to made them each other because I also done same thing
A
female
reader, didda123  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 Do you not think that you maybe should move out temporarily and get a place of your own from where you can have and appreciate your own space and you may see things differently.
I honestly think that is the only way forward if you are saying you are torn between the two of them because until you step back and take control of your life you will be in this situation for a very very long time.
I know it is an expensive suggestion but you will definately benefit from it.
Good luck i hope you can sort things out soon x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, any opinions would be greatly appreciated!
At the moment, I'm really torn between breaking up and continuing the relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): couples counciling, immediaty. stop being childish and talking about other girls okay. you are breaking this girls heart and that is just hideous of you. Okay, you think you are going through a lot think about her you need to talk to her now. and enough with the best friend fuck that okay who gives a shit because you know what u are with ur girl not that girl alright screw her don't talk to her or anything you belong to your girl and she belongs to you. go to couples therapy immediatly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers! It was really nice to read what you have written. I guess, that it helps me to make up my mind about what I should do. I'm sorry that I'm writing so much this time, I hope that it's not too confusing.About that other girl, the best friend of my girl friend:It's actually quite a terrible and miserable situation.That other girl doesn't have a boy friend now, she had some relationships, that went quite bad. Complicatingly, she even had a one-night-stand / very short time relationship with my best friend, at the time, when my feelings for her started becomming serious.She's a very nice person, very polite and good-looking, and as she's quite young (same age as my gf), somehow her character became more and more attracting to me over the years, maybe you could say that she evolved from a girl to an impressive young women.I know that she said quite a lot of good things about me to my girlfriend, and she was so nice and friendly to me all the time that I think that I was forced to think she might also like me a lot.Over the years my attraction to her evolved more and more. Today I feel very uncomfortable when she's around, because I'm so aware of my attraction to her and that I can't talk about it to her, that i makes me really crazy when she's around. Then, maybe a year ago, I think I did a mistake. I was so attracted to her, mentaly and bodily, that I once touched her secretly on some part of her body, when saying good bye to her. At that time, my feelings for her went totally crazy. I don't know if it was only by my initiative, i can't judge her signs clearly. I tried to come closer to her this way a couple of times, to signalize her my interest, to get the ball rolling for a chat with her, what she feels for me.I repeated touching her that way maybe five times, every two months, trying to get closer to her.But she never spoke to me, saying what she feels.I never dared to ask her, fearing so many things.Now I feel bad about the whole situation and my behavior.I feel like I really have to talk to her about my feelings to her, to clear things up. It's so terrible, not being able to talk to her, because of my current relationship.Today I think, maybe she now dislikes me for my behavior. Maybe she's angry about me. Now I really think that I want to talk to her, at all costs. I think I will definetely do it, soon.But now, I should write about what is happening with my real relationship.It is really the case, that for a long time of about maybe two years I'm quite unhappy with some things in my relationship. But I always tried to work on those things, and tried ways to improve, and some things became better, some did not. Now I'm in the situation, that I believe that she won't change in some points, and I start to think if I can tolerate and accept that.My relationship has somehow two sides, a nice one and a bad one. I'm able to enjoy the nice times, but somehow the bad times become more and more from day to day.In those bad times, I'm together with her, I'm silent, and I think about us and get the lost in the thought that I should brake up with her. When she asks me why I'm in such a bad mood, I always find another excuse.It's like our relationship is in a dead end, where I miss more nice situations with her. But somehow, I can't even imagine how such situations could look like. I also have the feeling, that she's not able to change to the situation out of her own initiative. But on the other hand, she seems to be quite open to a change of our routines, when I come up with something. For example, when I say that I wan't to do more sports and loose weight, because I've gained some kilos during the last months, she asks if we could do this together.This makes me happy, that she's willing to change sth. together. But on the other side I'm tired of the fact, that it has always me to be the one who comes up with ideas. I see her somehow beeing so lazy, and I begin to hate that.I'm definetly having the problem that my sexual fantasies and the reality are more and more drifting apart from another. It started maybe two years ago, and until today it became a lot worse. Today, the sexual attraction has reached a very low level, and we're having sex not so often.I had a longlasting relationship before with another girl for some years in school, and that relationship was quite formative to me, and totally different to my current relationship.I often catch myself dreaming of all those nice things I had at that time, about the sex we had, her nice body and face, and her character, which was so unique. I miss all that a lot.But on the other side, in my current relationship there are also many things, that I love so much, that I don't want to miss as well. I'm totally addicted to her way of cuddling, and I like her character, her intelligence, her patience and the nearness I feel to her.Somehow both girls, my current girlfriend and the one from years ago, they both have things, that I love so much and that I never want to live without. But It tears me appart, if I can't have both sides. I can't have a relationship without good sex, but also not without the cuddling. I want her to be sometimes lazy, and sometimes actively.This is all very complicated to put into words, but I get the feeling that both girls represent two extremes two me, but I want something in the middle.I feel more and more sure that I should break up and start something new. But I don't know when, and if I really should do it.I mean I know that relationships need also work to be invested to keep them alive. But I somehow see myself working in this relationship for years, with no good result.I get the feeling that it's over.But maybe I'm just in a temporal crisis of weakness, being tired of too much work and not beeing able to invest enough time into other things.I feel like i really want to talk to her. But I don't know where to start and what to say. I feel i have to make up my mind for something, somehow, before I talk with her.I don't know what to say to her, because I don't know what I want from her.Maybe I'm just searching excuses for breaking up, because I don't want to be in such a long-time relationship already. Maybe I want to experiment more, get to know other people, find out more about myself and others.The problem is, that we're so close, I could image to stay with her for a very long time. I fear that I might throw away something very valuable, a big chance.But I also don't feel so sure that I really want to stay with her for such a long time. Doubts are overweighing, and the trend is negative.Oh, what should I do?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): I think since your relationship has gone into a rut and if you are feeling this way you should talk to your girlfriend about this. Or just don't and start doing knew things with her like you guys can go do exciting things that you normally wouldn't do and maybe you start going out for jogs and ask her to join you so you two can be athletic together. If you do these and you are still feeling this way you should talk to your girlfriend or maybe she'll talk to you. Don't be suprised but girls can always pick up when something is wrong with their boyfriends and they either don't do anything hopeing that they will sort it out first then they get into it when they see it puts the "us" in trouble. oh and by the way dont ever ignore your girlfriend at all it's rude.
...............................
A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (21 February 2009):
You are still just young and have lived together for 3 years if you feel it is not working now and are beginning to get a roving eye at this stage then i think your relationship may be doomed.
The real problem seems to be your attachment to this other girl if she was not in the picture do you think your relationship would be in such a bad way?
We can all look for excuses in our relationship to make it look like it is bad and should never have happened when we really have our eye on something different and i think this is what you are doing talking to suit yourself so to speak!
You need to give some serious thought here. Is your girlfriend's best friend aware of your feelings for her she may not reciprocate them at all but i feel that you already know she does because if it was all in your mind with this other girl i don't think you would be in such a dilema.
If you wish to persue a relationship with her which may never work i might add, you must end it with your girlfriend but i can guarantee you they will loose their friendship due to this as well.
Personally i think you should leave both relationships and go out and persue another it will be a happier outcome all round.
Good luck i hope you can work things out x
...............................
A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (21 February 2009):
 There is an awful lot going on here and you seem to be in a right tangle. At first glance it looks like the problem is that you are suffering from 'grass is always greener syndrome' and that your feelings actually stem from the relationship becoming rather routine.
You are very muddled because you contradict yourself by first saying that the problem started when you moved in together 6 months then saying it goes back two years. I can't see why you would stay two years in a relationship you weren't happy with so what I am thinking is you are retroactively applying your current disatisfaction not that this has been going on two years.
I think what this relationship needs is to be spiced up and for you to both work hard on recapturing that spark that you first had; her passivity during sex might suggest she is feeling a similar way. I think this relationship is dying but not necessarily dead, yet...what you need is to talk to each other i think but maybe before you do that set the scene with a really romantic gesture to try and recapture the spark. Plan a meal or something like that....If that doesnt work then I think you need to talk to your GF before you even contemplate her best friend.
Good luck.
...............................
|
