A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice about my marriage.My husband and I have only been married a year, but we've been together for going on 7 years in December. We have a 1 year old together. I feel like we are just coexisting and not even trying to work as a team. He says I'm mean and selfish, but I pick up nearly all of the financial responsibilities on top of the parenting responsibilities. He works for my family business since last year when he couldn't find work after moving. He works when he wants although he's supposed to work 5 days a week. In a year, he has never made a full 40 hours in a week. There's always an excuse. I work 50+ hours a week as a temp, meaning I have no vacation time. I pay a family member to watch my child and my husband has never offered to help with that expense. I pay all the bills because he lets them linger and won't pay them. I pay for groceries and every household item that comes in the house. I buy my child diapers, milk, clothing, etc. In arguments, he says that I don't provide him with the little things that don't cost a dime. I don't enjoy sex with my husband because it's boring. He's not really big and he only wants for me to please him. He doesn't trust me, I've given him no reason not to but he took my phone while I was asleep and went through it, even through Facebook messages from years ago. I'm just feeling as like we need to end it. I know everything isn't going to be perfect but everything isn't supposed to be bad.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2014):
 I think you GREW UP to met your responsibilities - he is still that kid you started to date 7 years ago.
I would sit him down and ask him to help you make a budget. If you don't have a shared account I suggest you at least make an account for expenses that you BOTH transfer money into each month. It is RIDICULOUS that you pay ALL the bills and he gets to "keep" his money to himself.
If he isn't willing to do that, then what good is he? He doesn't watch your child (even when he isn't working?) He makes the lack of sex YOUR fault (though I would have a chat about him being a selfish lover - a man doesn't have to be big to please a women but he DOES have to put forth an effort to WANT to please her, not use use her as a blow up doll) and my guess is he does nothing around the house either. What exactly is he good for?
Decide for YOURSELF if you want to work on the marriage or not.
If you do, find a counselor - through Church or otherwise. Ask him to go, if he refuses, go by yourself to get tools on how to deal with being a single mom. Because if he refuses to go with you, he isn't wanting to fix the marriage WITH you.
If you don't, then find a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.
I think you two have come to that place where it's easy to do nothing but complain about your partner, but it's also the shit or get off the pot kind of moment. Either you WORK on the marriage or you toss in the towel.
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (14 April 2014):
 Sometimes it is easy to stay in a failing relationship purely because you are used to being with that particular person and are unsure of how to make change.
I would sit down and talk to him, tell him how you feel and see what he says because perhaps he is feeling the same way?
See if there is any way you can get some couple councelling and if that isn't an option or if that doesn't work then look at divorce - sometimes a break up is healthier than staying in the marriage and you have to think about what is best for your child and their emotional wellbeing.
There must be something good to have kept you both interested in one another the past several years and so you may have hope! Men do feel pressure too and some of them shut down instead of addressing how they feel and so sometimes all it taks to bring back a spark is a little conversation!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 April 2014):
 You call this a "marriage"????? PLUS, it took you 7 years to get to this point??? .... and, only NOW, do you see where you are??????
It takes just a few minutes to tell him to "take a hike"... and start divorce proceedings... BECAUSE you failed to see that there is NO "relationship" here.... just HIM taking advantage of YOU......
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 April 2014):
 I wish you only the best. Getting married real young has the danger of fading real fast,but you can't be told that when you're young so it's not your fault (or his) It's sad that there's a young child involved because regardless of what people try to say about them being too young to be "damaged by divorce" They ALWAYS get hurt! However, you must wiegh the hurt with the alternative. How badly will the child be hurt if you two try to cling to faded feelings? You say he says you're mean,whatever that means.There needs to be an intervention by a pro that can get all up into your lives and either try to save the marraige or tell you to end it. Get an attorney that is experienced in this sort of thing. The only one that can survive is the husband (or ex-husband) men are much more capable of seperation.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 April 2014):
 Well, the marriage doesn't sound particularly healthy. You've been together since you were 15-18, late teens, and I'm pretty sure my HS boyfriend and I would have been absolutely lousy together as neither of us had any idea about real life at that age.
You've basically grown up together in the relationship and it does sound as though he's given up and you have as well. He's annoyed that your sex life isn't good and doesn't trust you, you're annoyed that he's not contributing to the family financially or with childcare.
You've stated you feel like you need to end it, so suggesting marriage counseling probably won't help much. Have you ever considered that at all, by the way?
Go see a good accountant and a divorce attorney in order to get good advice on managing assets and ensuring your child is well-provided for. It may be a pricey hour but could save you a lot of money later on.
Talk to friends who may have gone through divorce to get some advice there. Get your family and friends to help out as well.
I would begin to behave as though you are a single parent, don't bother showing anger toward him as that probably hasn't changed his behavior. Look at putting money in a trust for your child, if that makes financial sense, with the accountant's help.
If you know it's time to end the marriage, get some qualified and knowledgable help and go for it.
If you think there's something that could be salvaged, then go see a marriage counselor, with or without him.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Ecoatz +, writes (13 April 2014):
I'm really sorry he's putting you through this :( He has forgotten his responsibilities as a husband and a gentleman. Try sitting down with him and opening up, make sure he knows exactly how you're feeling. If you're still not on the same page, then it's time to get going.Also, try to remember the qualities in him that you have loved for the past seven years, and all of the special memories you have had. If they don't mean anything to you anymore, then let him know.Whether you stay with him or not, communication is key. He may be an asshole, but you owe it to him and yourself to express how you feel.
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