A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello to all. So here is my situation. I left my job, family, friends, and country to be with the love of my life. We got married and I currently live in his country. We've been married for two years now but recently I've come to realize that I'm not happy at all. At times I am but others I really hate being married and regret leaving everything for love. I don't work so I'm home all day. I'm a homemaker and trust me I take care of him 100%. We only have one car so I get stuck in the house 24/7. He has a hobby and I feel he chooses his hobby over anything including me. I understand that he works and that he gets home tired and just wants to rest so I don't bother him during the week. But, then the weekend comes around he always makes excuses to not do anything with me. Today for example I suggested for us to go to a movie. What does he say, "oh well I have to go to the gym right after work then I have to eat dinner right after the gym so it won't be possible." Then I complain and he says okay fine we'll go to the movie I'll just go to the gym tomorrow. I don't want to go to the movies after having to complain. I want him to suggest doing things with me. Am I being selfish? He says that I suffer from depression and that nothing makes me happy. He says I live a good life, I have a roof over my head, food, I don't work, what more do I want. I don't think it's true. I live in his country and left everything, the least he could do is make my living here a little pleasant rather than have me stuck in the house all day every day. I have friends here but it's like a curse to go out if you are married here. They will talk bad about you. I want to have my own life back. I feel like the only way to do so is to leave him and return to my country. I love him but is love really all there is to keep you in a relationship. What about everything else needed in a relationship. He's not a bad person, he is a good husband. He never goes out unless it is with me except when he goes to the gym which even then he invites me. Regardless I'm unhappy. Please help. What advice do you have to offer? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, victorious +, writes (22 February 2011):
Wow I can totally relate living in a small island where going out without your husband is a sin. I sat my husband down and told him how I was feeling... Kinda like you anyhow we agreed that when ever living here gets to me I would dash down to miami for a day or tWo for a lil shopping and see my family at least every other month. It was either that or divorce. Try finding a friend with a car and go out during the day while he is at work.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (15 March 2009):
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OK. I think I have a better picture of your situation here. First of all, you can only find happiness within yourself. You don't rely on the outside world to give you happiness. Having said that, I think I can empathize with you.
I had friends who follow their wives all over the world, happily. One was a journalist and travel writer, so he loved the fact that his wife got to go to live in remote countries. Like Tibet, Bhutan and Mongolia. The other one was a community organizer person (much like Barrack Obama in his younger days in Chicago).
You said people work hard to only to get a pittance. To you, it is a pittance. To those locals, they had less of a choice than you do. So I think you need to be more appreciative of that very fact, that you actually have a choice.
If money is not an object, there are things that you can do to occupy your time, as well as help the community. It will not be easy, I tell you. But if you have a big heart and you persevere, the reward you get will be priceless.
Some of the things that you can do, for instance, organize cooking lessons. Get some women together (start with 2 or 3); teach them to make easy snacks, that they can sell in their villages. Teach them book keeping, so they can start a small savings and loans group amongst themselves. Ask them to teach you how to cook their native dishes. You can make a book out of this and publish it! Open a small workshop to provide life skills for local school drop outs. The list could go on and on.
But, you can only do this successfully if your heart is in it for them, not for you. In return, by helping them, you will help yourself to be happy.
People do not need lots of money to be happy. More money only means nicer things. Designer clothes as opposed to discount shops. Jaguar instead of a Toyota. Deli instead of veg you pick out of your garden. Gym instead of working in the field. Champagne instead of fermented palm drinks. etc etc etc.
I don't think any of the aunts on this site get any money for giving advice, but they give advice anyways. Why? They feel good because they can help people.
I hope you will find your happiness again soon.
Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLadies thank you for your suggestions. Unfortunately it's hard to maintain a social life since I live on a very small island there really isn't much to do. No malls whatsoever. There is like one museum on the whole island. Definitely no zoos. I've made attempts to find a job but if you only knew what the pay here is you would be astonished. You work your butt off for a whole month to receive the minimum wage amount for a week in the US. I worked for two months and couldn't handle it. My husband preferred me being at home taking care of him than working long hours for the amount of money. I get bored and tired. I just want to go back to the U.S. We take our own country for granted at times. Sometimes I feel like having a child will better the situation since I'll be occupied but I know deep inside it won't. It will probably make it worse since I'm unhappy here. I guess I just have to cope, but is it worth coping and being miserable?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): Hi, I'm sorry you feel this way. I know what it's like to marry and have my family 300 miles away. (Even though it's only a 7 1/2 hour drive, they might as well live in China, because I can only see them 3 times a year.)
You REALLY need to get out and socialize, at least once or twice a week. It will do you a world of good. Like Cat says, join a club or volunteer group. The feeling of belonging will embrace you and you won't feel so alone.
I think it's silly you can't go to a movie with a friend, but you can be creative to do other things. Say you want to go shopping with a friend to improve the house (new paint?)
Try one of our ideas, and see how your life improves.
We hope ALL the best for you. And your right, you're husband should be understanding to help because you left your country. I think it's reasonable to ask for a trip to your homeland a couple times per year, and/or invite family to fly to your home for a visit.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (14 March 2009):
Do you live in a country that has security restrictions for you as a "foreigner"? Or, does this country have good public transportation, or safe taxies?
I have seen spouses who had to follow their husbands/wives to a foreign country and got "bored" or "frustrated" because their professional skills and degrees could not be applied due to employement restrictions.
However, there may still many opportunities where you can make yourself be more involved in your social and professional life. Find organizations that you can volunteer in, be it an international women organization, or "friends of the zoo", or "friends of the museum", and so forth. When you find these organizations, tell them that you don't have a car but would like to be active in the organization. There will always be people there who would be happy to pick you up (or you can schedule it so that your husband will pick you up to go home afterwards). These organizations can be so active (specially if they are doing fund raising), that you may even find yourself to be spending more time there than your husband at work! :-)
As for those who talk behind your back, well, let them. They are jealous of you. Once you establish yourself and be sucessful (in raising funds, or being elected as President of the International Women Association" or some other good-cause organization), they will be lining up to kiss you know where and be in your good graces ;-)
You don't need to just wait for your husband to make your life meaningful and happy. You can start doing it yourself. As you said yourself, he is already a good husband and a good person. Now it's your time to show him that you too, are a good person because you are helping a lot of people.
Good luck!
Cat
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A
female
reader, Deczy  +, writes (14 March 2009):
 Plz.u need to talk to him.tell him he is n0t showing you that love and affection he used to show to you that made you left everything for him(for love).tell him marriage is n0t about having a house,food or n0t working..its about making each other happy,renewing vows,making you like his number 1 and vice versa.but i just think you are bored of being an house wife, thats why you need to tell him to ignite d passion you two use to share.but if this dosen't help.then i guess you just have to do the right thing.leave him and m0ve on.hope this helps.
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