A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help! I am afraid I will cave under pressure. I have been in an emotional affair with a married man for many months. I am also married. Neither of us are happy in our marriages but we both have children and stay because of them. I have not felt attracted to my husband for a very long time. I have sex with him on occasion so that I will get him off my back. But I am so turned off by him and hate to be intimate with him. Afterward I am in tears. I have strong feelings and I am so attracted to the other man and I want to be with him so badly. He wants to be with me, too. Lately he has started to pressure me into taking our relationship to a physical level. I want to so badly but I know it is wrong. Things being so horrible at home are making me very vulnerable. I am in such a tough spot right now. I am really feeling the pressure of the chase. What do I do? Please, could anyone help me????
View related questions:
affair, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, WisdomKnows +, writes (15 May 2011):
 These ladies are all right..Keep us posted on what happens....I am married and been where you all. it can be stop its all up to you. send me a email ...keep me posted
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): I am the OP. I truly and deeply feel your pain, Amber and I am so sorry you are going through this. I really empathize with you. I completely understand the situation you are in.It is hard when you start to have feelings for the man. We women are much more emotional and giving. We want to believe what he is telling us and want to see the best in him. I guess we still believe in a Cinderella ending. How could we not when this guy is promising us the world and making us feel like we are special? It is so sad when a man plays on a woman's true love and genuine and caring nature just to get what he wants. Sometimes we see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.Most people on this forum will judge you and criticize you for being in this situation. Some people will never have walked in your shoes so their comments are made out of not knowing what you are feeling and going through. If they had the feelings you had and experienced the love you felt for this man, they would be less harsh I am sure. And the people who speak from experience have learned their lessons the hard way like you and I. But I don't think you will ever be able to advise on this sort of situation unless you have been in it yourself. Loving or having feelings for a married person is one of the most difficult things to ever have to go through. Noone ever wakes up in the morning and says to themselves I am going to go out and find myself a married man. Usually you are in a vulnerable state of some sort to fall prey to their charms, whether you are already married or single. Married men can be very charming and persuasive. They can also be great liars and manipulators. A woman who already has feelings for one of these guys will find it hard to turn him down once he goes in for the kill. And these feelings just don't happen to a woman. A married man will work on her for months or however long it takes to get her to the point where she has feelings for him by paying attention to her, being around her, etc. He will make her feel special like she is his soul mate and convince her that he is unhappy in his marriage. But when push comes to shove, he will never choose her, even if she is prettier, slimmer, more caring, funnier, more itelligent than his wife. None of it matters. He made the commitment to his wife, especially if there are kids involved, and he will never leave her because ultimately he is a weak coward. Because if he was really that unhappy in his marriage and at the point of cheating, he should have left the marriage first.I am still involved with my married guy on an emotional level. Nothing physical has happened. And it is killing me not to be with him this way because the emotional connection we have developed is intense. Usually in relationships the physical is what happens next but you fight it with all that you have because you are married. I am not happy with my husband. Maybe he isn't happy with his wife. I would leave my husband for him but I am not sure he would leave his wife. So I am still in a marriage I am unhappy in, especially feeling no passion for my husband, wishing badly that I could feel it with the other guy. I know he wants it and he is now avoiding me because I am not pushing it to the next level. As much as it hurts me, maybe it is for the best. Maybe I should try to forget about him and move on. If he truly cared about me, he would not be playing games with me like this. It has been a constant push and pull with him. It has been too emotionally draining for me to go on this way.Good luck and I hope you take care of yourself and your heart. Be good to yourself and take time to heal. Having a broken heart is so painful. I have one, too. :(
...............................
A
female
reader, amber jarvey  +, writes (26 April 2011):
dont do it, im not saying that to be horrible but i have been their very very recently!! and i am hurting like hell!. He may very well have deep feelings for you but if you fall in love and he hurts you you will have no one to blaim but yourself. I still believe this man was inlove with me but got scared when we nearly got caught for the 4th time! he risked a hell of alot to see me, either way, no matter how he felt or what he risked he is with her now. I know how good it feels and how inlove you feel, i still believe i am now but someones going to get hurt and after how i am feeling i really wouldnt wish it on any other woman. Thats why i joined this site, i really dont want anyone going through what i am. I have been dropped, probably deserved it and i am now trying to get over what i thought was true love, i really believed it happened for a reason. Take longer over it believe me!! theres no harm in getting to know eachother even better before going that far, wouldnt wish what im going through on anyone x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): Please try to save your marriage. You are having an emotional affair because there are things missing in your marriage that you need and are going unfulfilled. You get your needs met through the affair when the healthiest thing to do would be to turn inwards to your marriage and deal with the problems. Believe me, I know. I have just found out my wife is having an affair and the pain is terrible. I am only beginning the grieving process and I feel the pain is on the same level as a death of a family member. Life is too short for anyone to suffer such torment needlessly. I'm sure deep down your hubby would like things to be better too. I wish you luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Never do that.. in one line.. so many lives will bear the pain for ever.
i know m advise will be harsh. but you will get the results either way.
if you stop cheating, and work with your hubby, you will still be much better off.
remember my words
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): First of all, I am glad that at least you know that what you're doing is wrong, and so is the other man for pushing for you to take things to " the next level." You promised yourself to your husband. I am sorry that things at home are really rough, but part of marriage is working through those rough things together. Not separately. You really should not include another partner in your personal life when you are in a committed relationship. It is not fair to anyone - especially your husband. I am assuming he is faithful to you. If so, then it sounds like the best thing to do is for you to cut off your ties with the other man. I know that sounds really difficult, but a promise is a promise and that is part of your own wedding vows and the terms of your relationship. It is also unethical and dishonest. I went through this when my own wife had an emotional affair for months. It wasn't because she was neglected or abused or a bad sex life, either. She never once had any complaints about any of those things with me, even after she confessed about her emotional affair. She told me she betrayed me because she felt she got married before she was really ready to but she knew she'd lose me if she did not stay committed to me. I didn't force her to marry me, nor would I. But I wanted to know if we were compatible and if she didn't want marriage, then I knew we should separate. She loved me and didn't want to lose me. But her choice to marry seemed like it was just out of her love for me. It was, but it was also out of her fear of losing me and she knew I was a keeper. In short, I got all the blame for her own decision. I wanted her to stay JUST out of her love. She cheated years later on me and I got blamed for it. I don't think that was fair or even responsible on her part. We all make our own choices and have to live with them. We shouldn't blame others for them. What she did was mean, selfish, immature and disrespectful. (As well as demeaning and humiliating). But we are working things out now and she at least cut off ALL ties with the other person. It was not easy for her but she knew it was the ONLY way we had a chance of moving on and getting through this together. That's what marriage is all about. Because we still love each other. We are IN love. Now, if you are not in love with your husband, then you should divorce and not use the kids as the excuse to stay with him and cheat. Emotional cheating IS cheating and it can certainly cause just as much harm to your spouse as sexual cheating. Believe me. I was put through it and it killed me. Every time she was enjoying her excitement of sneaking emails and texts and sharing moments with someone else behind my back, it killed me. I knew and she denied it. I was lied to, betrayed and I never once did that to her. I wouldn't. Thank god they didn't add sex to it. If you love your husband, go patch things up and try marriage counseling. If not, then divorce and be with the one you do love. The kids will eventually understand. I did when my parents remarried.
...............................
A
female
reader, De la Fuente  +, writes (9 April 2011):
Stay !!! Save your marriage !!! For the babies atleast to give them a chance to grow up in a normal life !!! Think the babies !!!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Why is it so difficult for people to just be honest instead of taking the easy way out? You say you only stay for your children, that is a lie, you stay because you are comfortable and dont want to uproot them, but is that a reason to lie? You are lying to yourself, and lying to you husband with whom you took vows, remember them? If you are so repulsed, why sleep with him? Why not tell him how you feel? Thats the whole point isnt it, people stop communicating and start telling untruths, now you're running to another man and when your husband finds out your world really will collapse around you.If you dont love him then let him go, for him and for yourself.Start being honest, it's liberating.Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): i no this is going to seem rude or something but you are having a affair that is a bad thing so becoming physical with this guy wont make things worse sorry but my advise is just go for it i am sure you will be happy with this married man because it is dangerous and there is a little aspect of you getting court but i hope it all works out well for you
...............................
A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (9 April 2011):
Hi -my best friend had an emotional affair with a girl at his work for months, they were txting etc even driving to secluded places and a few kisses. In any one's book that is cheating. I pointed out to him that he was not investing any energy into his partnership with his primary relationship so of course it wasnt that good. When your in an emotional affair you are taking away from your primary partner so you have a choice, I think your gut is saying that you can still be with your husband if he started taking notice of you and meeting your emotional needs. You need to put the same energy that your putting into your Emotional affair back into your relationship. If after six months to a year it hasnt worked out then end your relationship with him first then go find a new partner.Believe me I went down the physical affair path and the biggest learning I got from it is always always be an adult and end the relationship first. You are left with a tag of being a cheater and so many people make moral judgements on you - no one likes a cheater - even your own parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (9 April 2011):
 Yes, you are in a tough spot, but unless you want to be in a tougher spot, you should not do this. I believe you know all the negative ramifications of engaging in a full blown affair. So really the question is, how do you stop yourself from doing it. You are engaged in an emotional affair because something is missing in your marriage. You are trying to escape, rather than solve, the problem.You're already in pretty deep, just with the emotional affair. Even quitting that now will be difficult. You can think of it like drug addiction. Right now you are just smoking the drug. If it gets physical, you will be mainlining it. Withdrawal will be worse the longer it goes on. Okay, all warnings aside, have you thought it through? You are both married. It is very easy to be caught these days - emails, phone calls, texts, IMs, etc. A suspicious spouse can catch you very easily if they want to. Have you thought about what you will do if one or both of you are found out? Are you prepared to lose your husband, your family, and perhaps end up alone?It has been my experience that men in affairs do not leave their wives for the girlfriend. The statistics back this up. The chances of him leaving are very, very, slim. He wants you on the side to make his life a little more exciting. If his wife finds out, you will be history, not her.However, when a woman is found out, her marriage ends more often than not because her husband is unable to get over it. You think you don't like him now? Wait until he gets wind of this. It will truly be unbearable and you will want out. 70% of divorces are filed by women.I'm really sorry to be such a downer, but this will not end well for you. I've seen it over and over again. He'll stay with his wife and you will be divorces. That's my opinion. I am only being as harsh as I am because I think you should know what lies ahead. Sometimes when women are presented with this information it stops them in their tracks.I encourage you to research this topic. There are lots of online resources and forums for "the other woman." Join a support group of women involved in emotional affairs. Learn from their experiences. Save yourself from this heartache. It almost never ends well for the women. Most say that if they had it to do over again, they wouldn't do it. In other words, they regret it.Try figuring out what is missing in your marriage. What drove you to this affair? Can it be fixed? You loved your husband once. Give marriage counseling a chance. If this does not help at least you can say you tried.I wish you the best of luck.TEM
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Wow, this is a tough 'en. Well, if you are that repulsed by being intimate with your husband it sounds to me that that marriage is really already over with. Begging your pardon, but what is so repulsive about your husband? It has been said that emotional affairs are the most damaging ones and I believe this but I also believe that perhaps some emotional affairs start because the marriage is already emotionally and/or physically damaged to begin with. What do you do, you ask? To go about things properly, I would say that you should evaluate what your contingency is for life after husband, though many times one cannot "prepare" for such an ordeal. In this instance, it is like Nike's slogan: Just do it. I say take some time to yourself, maybe be alone for a bit (even away from the emotional lover) and think about the pros, the cons, and when you decide what to do, think about the relevent (spelling?) issues to deal with. Once every issue is addressed and/or accounted for I say hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Though my experience is not nearly on the level as your's (I was not married but children were involved and I was living with the girl), I will share it nonetheless. I was in a similar situation. I was living with my girlfriend but I was seeing another girl and was having sex with both of my girlfriends (one difference). However, I decided that I wanted to be with the other girl. My girlfriend moved back to her home (many miles away) but certain issues were not tended to before I really jumped into an exclusive relationship with my new GF; not to mention that I also just did not handle certain other things properly. I ended up marrying this girl and we are still happily married but it caused a big rift with my parents. This rift with my parents involved a rift between my parents and my new wife which also caused tension between me and my wife. It also made for some trifle uncomfortable family gatherings, what with the extended family trying to remain neutral, knowing what was going on between me and my parents. See how it can get complicated? I'm guilty of going into f*** it mode and moving forward with physical relations and honestly I can't say that I would be strong enough a second time around to resist taking that next step before things are settled. Even though we want to do the right thing, we are humans, forbye. In short, I guess what I am trying to tell you is I think you should take care of things methodically before you jump into the deep end of the pool. However, I can't blame you if you toss rationality to the wind; when passion is lost in one venue and found in another it is hard to resist it even temporarily. Good luck with this and if it moves you, feel free to reply again.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 April 2011):
 Why are you still with your husband? It's not for the kids, because you could easily live on your own with them and after the initial shake-up, you would all be comfortable in your new lives.
So why are you with him if he's this horrible man? Are you too comfortable and not frustrated enough? Are you hedging your bets with him in case this emotional affair guy doesn't really love you when it comes time for him to take things out of the illicit level?
And while we're talking about your emotional affair guy...how could you ever trust him? If you leave your husband and be with him, how would you trust that when your relationship with him got a little older, he wouldn't go out and chase someone else to get away from you?
You've already crossed the "wrong" line a long time ago. Does your husband know how you feel about him? Why aren't you attracted to him anymore? Why *are* you attracted to someone else's huaband? Does his wife know how HE feels?
This is the problem with third parties being added. You can never properly deal with a broken relationship when that happens, and you end up being a cheater, a liar, and used, and in the and, it won't make you happy.
...............................
|
