A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for over 20 years and have always been faithful with the exception of one man, twice. I met him 15 years ago at the gym and I was immediately attracted to him but kept it to myself. After a while, we began to talk and before I knew it, I gave him my number. We talked on the phone, at the gym and even spent time together out in public but with discretion. I enjoyed the friendship that was created and my heart beat faster every time I saw him. We had a couple of brief physical encounters but no intercourse. He had just gotten divorced and had a young daughter. I was married with 2 young children. I asked myself a million times how I could be attracted to someone else when I already had a grest husband. I was mad and disgusted with myself especially since the other guy just totally stopped all contact with me without explanation. I vowed to never go there again.However, I ran into him again, 15 years later!!! He filled me in on his life and asked me for my number to maybe grab a drink and catch up. I gave him my number, big mistake. He sent me a text right away to say that it was great seeing me again. We got together twice and just talked. He never married again but has been in a relationship for 5 years now. He claims he is unhappy but that was a year ago. After talking for 2 months, a sexual relationship began. Again, I do not know why I am so attracted to this man. I have always thought about him even though I am still married. He has a good job and I work part time so we get together a lot during the day. Awful. Sinful. There have been issues in my life and marriage and my relationship with him is a wonderful escape. Because I am naive, I fell for all of his words that made me feel like he actually wanted me in his life. We have had a relationship for a year even though we have our other relationships too. Every second of the day, I knew I was giving in to temptation but couldn't stop myself. I also knew that I was a friend with benefits but thought that I was special to him. Two weeks ago we had a great night and then he just stopped talking to me. I do wonder why but also know its agood thing. I am not in love with him but mad about the way he ended it. I'm quite certain he is involved with someone else even though he still has his girlfriend. I never want to do this again. I have never looked at another man except for my handsome guy. Why? I do not know. Why is there something special about him when he clearly just saw me as an easy lay? I wouldn't go back to him but want to yell at him. Should I just disappear or say parting words? I need to focus on my relationship and fix things. Can I live with this secret forever? And I am so humiliated but shouldn't be surprised. How do I get through this dilemma? I am grieving but feel so guilty.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): I would not consider the advice from Mr.Goodguy as he clearly speaks from passion and is taking the advice a little too personally.
You do have or sympathy because this things happen, and you get our sympathy too because you KNOW about your mistake. If you really want to mend things with your husband and with yorself, cut him off completly. No calls, no text, and be indifferent when you guys talk.
He may hve usedyou because like dogs men can smell despration a mile away, and you may have come off as too needy or eager and easy to get on the sack.
THe choice of telling your husband is yours and yours alone. I udnerstand that , that is not your question. But, if you want to fix things you my reconsider telling him. Only YOU know your husband. Some people will stand for a fling, and some wont. If you decide not to tell him/ or if he decides to stay...start working on your marriage. Even now at this moment. Go make him his favorite meal, surprise him with nice passionate french kiss, or hug him and tell him how
lucky you are to have him.
Think back to the years of marriage and consider if you really want to stay with him, and if the future with him is what you envision.
I suggest trying to take a trip together, or having a romantic dinner. Remember why you got together on the first place. If you think that you want to work on it then you can maybe ekindle that fire, and forget about that fling. Just dedicate your life to be happy and making your hubby happy.
About the player, he obviosly saw you as an easy lay. You were maybe too open to him, too giving, and he took what he wanted. Maybe it is all those years of inexperience or that your marriage was dull and boring that make you such a target. If you want to work on things with your hubby primp and papmper yourself to look hot for him, but the handsome guy? forget him! He does not owe you anything, and sadly women develop silly attachments.
Be strong, be resilient, and chalk this up to experience. This happens to 20 year olds too, you are never too old to fall for the trap of an illusion that was just that..and illusion. So take it as experience and move on.
Think how luck you are to be with your husband, and if you do not consider yourself lucky... then maybe it is time to move on ;) and put some spice on your life.
But I hope your hubby and you can reconnect nd rekindle your fire.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): We ve been married for over 20 years. Things happened with me and my husband also. Indont know if he ever suspected, but I was pretty sure something is going on. We never discussed this with each other, and stayed together.
We meet people, we change, our feelings change , our relationship change, we fell on love with someone else, things like that happen all the time. We miss passion that we once felt, we want to experience it again.
I know it feels like betrayal, and in a moments like these you feel so alone, but then it goes away. I m thinking now, what if we both acted on these little flings that we had, what would become of us. Families would be destroyed, children would suffer. Now we just had our first grandchild, she is such a joy. Who remembers what happened years ago. Don't say anything, what are you both going to don with that truth?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): Sigh
Attraction at first sight, met up after 15 years, still gave him your number, numerous sexual encounters...
The next time he calls, you'll be there like a shot because you're "attracted" to him.
Meanwhile your "handsome" husband is none the wiser.
This will continue, my only hope is your husband finds out. This is the worst betrayal, somebody's heart will be broken.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 December 2012):
You need to come clean and tell your husband the truth. Every action has its consequences, and the truth always has a way of surfacing. You made a big boy decision, and now you need to live w big boy consequences.
If I found my fiancee cheated on me without her telling me, its be over immediately, and Id have absolutely no respect for her. If she told me, there is a chance Id stay, and Id ultimately respect her honesty.
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A
female
reader, Confused14solong +, writes (28 December 2012):
OP, I am currently going through the same issue you are. I too have been married over 20 years. My affair was only for a short period of time, was a FWB relationship, in all aspects of the words. But we both became emotionally involved and that is why he ended things. Yes, he could have and should have ended things differently but he doesn't owe me anything really.As for why we've felt the need to do this? The only answer I can come up with is that I was so completely bored in my marriage, had other issues going on and I pushed the boredom feeling to an excitement feeling and truly became addicted to that feeling. It was a way to escape. You are not a bad person for what you've done. Most likely those who think so are the individuals who have never stood in our shoes and truly believe that they won't. I was one of those people that never saw myself cheating on my husband but I did. I'm learning from my mistake.You have done the right thing and just left it alone and not emailed or yelled at him. In my situation, I have sent emails after he stopped talking to me asking if we were done and nothing has come of it. I am left wondering what has happened and what I've done wrong. I wish I hadn't sent the emails and that I could take some of the hurtful things I said back. I am still dealing with wanting to send one more email to apologize for my actions and things I said but I know this is not the right thing to do. I need to just leave it alone. Leave him alone.I'm going through a range of emotions such as rejection, depression, guilt, anxiety, humiliation, and I'm sure countless others. I'm not a fun person to be around right now, but things are getting better and they have over the last week. I understand your feelings and what you're going through.I know it's difficult not being able to talk to anyone about how you are feeling or what you've done.If I can make a suggestion. DO NOT tell your husband. Don't listen to the responses on here telling you that you will need to tell your husband to have an open and honest relationship with him again. I don't believe that for a second. Put your 100% effort into getting that loving feeling back into your marriage. I intend to do just that. If you tell your husband you will hurt him. The same amount of hurt if he found out the truth on his own. Take it to the grave with you. I do suggest you go and talk with a therapist about your actions. I have and it is helping me to realize what I've done and why.I know at this time you are feeling completely alone and having to deal with your grief in private. This has been one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with myself. But, you can do this. It will get better.
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A
male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (28 December 2012):
 I can not believe anyone would give you sympathy for your actions!!!when you say I could not help myself or I just gave in to temptation ?like it was a ice cream or a cigarette lol your a selfish women to have done this its not forgivable you should tell him and not hold back HE DESERVES THE TRUTH !!!I can't imagine my wife going to the gym then getting pounded by some player and then her sleeping next to me kissing mkissing my lips with that mouth ???omg I'm sad and angry for him !!I wish I knew who he was so I could tell him ..poor guy needs to know what kind of monster you are!!and NO cheating is absolutely never ok or forgivable
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (28 December 2012):
 First off attraction isn’t a choice. He’s created an attraction your instincts like that’s it. Next your mistake. You need to reflect on what triggered your loss of self-control then avoid those triggers. Come clean with your husband n tell him your mistake and how u plan to rebuild trust with him and most importantly what you’ve learned from the ordeal. If he accepts your apology I'd be surprised but you need to be honest. That’s a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): Something like this just happens, we get attracted to other people.This relationship was doomed from the very beginning. Your guy knew very well that you will never leave your husband. He has been seeing you until the novelty wore off and then he disappeared, ussual scenarium.This is how this sort of relationship usually work. Nothing new. You have a feeling that he keep on seeing someone else. I m sure he does. The guy is not able to be monogamous, he ll have several women at the same time his whole life. This is just how it is. You ll see a lot of advices here to tell your husband about it, about fairness to your husband and so on. I wouldn't do it. There is nothing to destroy you family here over. It was a fling, its over, move on.
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