A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for some opinions on low self esteem and dating. My best friend of 12 years has very low self esteem and not suffering from it myself, I find it hard to understand how she feels. I looked on the internet and found a comment that an unknown girl had written and I quote "I also know that I'm not special enough for a guy to want a relationship with me, as I'm really plain and dull." Would that comment be fairly common amongst girls (in their 20's or any age) with low self esteem? My best friend has never had a boyfriend, but has slept around in the past but says it was to feel wanted and she regrets it all now. She said she knew these men didn't want her but it made her feel loved at the time. Well after 12 years, I confessed to her that I loved her (which was a big shock but to be honest she initially said I was just trying to cheer her up and didn't believe me), anyway I now treat her as my girlfriend (and have told her this and no we haven't slept together) but we are in touch every day and see each other most days, she has confided in me things she has never told anyone, we have started being a little more physical, just small things like holding hands and hugs that we didn't do before and she says I am the closest person in her life but because of how she feels (she hates herself) she says (as confirmed by her facebook status) that she feels she can't handle a proper relationship at the moment because she doesn't love herself and can't understand why anyone sees her as girlfriend material. She says I have no idea how much she appreciates me and I am one of the reasons that she is starting to feel a little better. I have told her I am scared of losing her to someone else when the time is right for her to date and she said and I quote "you will never lose me" and she said if I went off with someone else she would have to learn to live with it which would not be easy but she will always be there for me."- Twelve years of close friendship is one thing but the last 6 months seem to have been a rollercoaster of unsaid stuff coming out, our friends have said they have noticed a difference in the way we are with each other etc and to be honest after such a long time (well we were at school together so have grown up together) I just can't see either of us being with anyone else. Before I told her I loved her, we have briefly had other relationships but the last girl I went out with would not accept my closeness with my friend and the last man my friend "was involved" with said he hated me because he thought "no one cared for her". So it seems to me fate is telling us we are meant to be together, and in the meantime whilst we are not a couple we do spend all our time together but sometimes, going back to the original question I find it hard to understand these low self esteem feelings, so if anyone has been in a similar situation and could explain or give their story I would be very grateful. Thankyou.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (11 January 2010):
Its possible that there is something in her upbringing that made her start to believe these lies about herself. Maybe either an absent or abusive parent so you can try ask her about it. Or maybe a mean boyfriend in her early teens once made a negative comment. Either way, we all at one time or another feel worthless for a period of time. I remember saying the same things when my ex was unfaithful to me and I kept repeating to myself "I hate myself. I'm worthless, I'm unlovable, unattractive etc."
Then I started reading self help books such as 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne among others. The message I got was 'others will see you the way you see yourself. If you see the bad things then others will also see only the bad'. It took a while for this message to sink in but I eventually got it. I also had a friend who when I said these negative things, she would tell me firmly "that's enough. No more negative statements". So maybe just also be firm and tell her you don't want to hear anymore bad stuff about herself. Tell her you only want to hear good things from now on.
A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (11 January 2010):
Its possible that there is something in her upbringing that made her start to believe these lies about herself. Maybe either an absent or abusive parent so you can try ask her about it. Or maybe a mean boyfriend in her early teens once made a negative comment. Either way, we all at one time or another feel worthless for a period of time. I remember saying the same things when my ex was unfaithful to me and I kept repeating to myself "I hate myself. I'm worthless, I'm unlovable, unattractive etc."
Then I started reading self help books such as 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne among others. The message I got was 'others will see you the way you see yourself. If you see the bad things then others will also see only the bad'. It took a while for this message to sink in but I eventually got it. I also had a friend who when I said these negative things, she would tell me firmly "that's enough. No more negative statements". So maybe just also be firm and tell her you don't want to hear anymore bad stuff about herself. Tell her you only want to hear good things from now on.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 You wrote:
"in the meantime whilst we are not a couple we do spend all our time together but sometimes"
The statement above has me concerned for you. You are treating her as a girlfriend but you are not dating. She was willing to have sex with others, but not with you.
I do not think she is interested in you romantically. YOU might think you are both meant to be together, but obviously, she does not.
You are not going to get this girl to love you by being her therapist. Attraction does not work that way.
All she wants from you is a friendship.
With all that said, you need to look at your own complex as to why you would want to have a girl that is THIS down on herself, as your girlfriend. I believe that you really, really care for her...but that is not going to be enough to make a relationship work long term.
The best thing you can do is for you to get her a book on self esteem, help her set up a time with a legit therapist, and move on with your life finding a girl to be with, that actually values you as a man, boyfriend and lover. Whether this girl just is not into you, or if her low self esteem make her incapable of being a decent relationship partner for you, both mean that you need to stop putting so much effort in.
I wrote a book about going From Friends To Lovers, and you are making all the classic mistakes. When or If she heals, she will be a different person than she is right now. And part of that healing is going to be a separation from you because as her "therapist", you are a link to her pain now.
Good luck.
-Frank Kermit http://www.franktalks.com
author, From Friends to Lovers: Stop being her emotional cookie man
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 January 2010):
My girlfriend has the same problem with esteem. All I can suggest is that you continue to listen to her carefully and continue to reassure her. It had helped with my girlfriend, and though her esteem is still low, it's a lot better than it was. Just keep listening to her and reassuring her.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 January 2010):
 I just saw your question, and I have to answer it.
I totally understand how you are feeling, because I am in exactly the same situation, except that I am the girl. I suffer from very bad self esteem, mainly due to the insecurities I have about guys. Unlike your friend, I have never had a proper boyfriend, never had a sexual relationship.
She feels like she isnt good enough. Not being able to get a proper boyfriend is soul destroying once you get past your early twenties. This is often made worse by the pressures of modern society. These days if you do not have a man on your arm and a long list of conquests behind you then there is deemed to be something wrong with you. People call you frigid, and you get a huge amount of stick for it. Its an odditty in modern society where being part of a couple is deemed the norm. Also seeing everyone else pair up makes you incredibly lonely, resentful and you begin to question why you are not like every other girl in the world.
My self esteem relates to the fact that I have never really had a boyfriend, and never had a serious relationship. I just cannot seem to find a nice guy. This all adds to insecurities about looks, (why are guys not attracted to me?), sexyness (am I not sexy?), am I not a nice person, and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets until you actually BELIEVE these things. It turns into a mantra:
I am unattractive
WHAT would a guy ever see in me?
I am not sexy.
I am not a nice person.
I am not fun to be around.
I am not WORTH attention.
I am not as good as every other woman on the planet.
Its very difficult to get out of this, and your girlfriend has gone down the road where she slept around in order to try and feel loved, to try and feel like every other girl she sees around her who "have" the attention of guys. I sympathise with her totally, and I understand how she aches to feel the closeness and the love. I never went down that road, mainly because I was too scared of being rejected. That would just have finished me confidence wise.
I think she is lucky to have you. When it comes to girls with low self esteem, she will fight you all the way with it. Its like talking to a brick wall. She wont believe you, because she doesnt believe in herself. WHY, would you, a really lovely guy, want HER? (who in her head is some horrible, worthless blob?). So you are going to have to work really hard, be persistant, and whatever you do, do not hurt her.
If she lets down the walls, and lets you in, then that is a massive risk for her... emotionally she is openening herself up to be massively hurt, because deep down she thinks its all a big joke, and that you will turn round and laugh, and leave her (I know it sounds silly, but that is how we think).
You just need to keep chipping away, and if she gets silly, pushes you away, just stand firm. She may need to be bashed on the head quite a few times before she realises that you are for real, and that you mean what you say.
I wish you luck. xx
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