A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:*OP's own title*Hello all, before I go on, here's some specs about me. I'm male, mid-30's, still a virgin. I have an aversion to sex. I do think it's become way too mainstreamed and stripped of any passion and love in today's society; look at today's popular entertainment if you doubt this. So due to these personal convictions, I don't want sex. These feelings are also this exacerbated by the fact, that I've suffered from lowered-testosterone levels my entire life, and am underdeveloped everywhere, especially down there. Anyway, my question is, what do I do about it? I've been thinking about emasculation, as it would relieve me of these unwanted sexual feelings I get from time to time. What should I do?Any answers will be appreciated, so long as they aren't unhelpful, slanderous responses. Meaning, I don't want to pay for sex as I've stated, I have an aversion to sex, so that suggestion is out. Also, no religious-themed replies, as I have no religious leanings whatsoever. Anyways, please send some input..thank you
View related questions:
still a virgin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Miamine:
I dunno. I'm sorta wary of therapists/counselors. The last chump I'd seen for my problems always seemed to be looking down on me. Like he was only in it for $$$ and so he could feel better about himself by looking down on others. My dad was employed in the legitimate medical field. These other guys though.......
I mean, I am open to it, sure. But, so long as it's based on talk-based therapy(i don't like meds), and also....if it's free. I don't have health insurance and it would seem to me that anyone who does it for free actually cares about people.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Ten years ago, knowledge and treatment in the medical fields have moved on a lot since then.
I don't think they can offer a cure your right, but I feel you need medical advice because what you are considering now (castration) is very extreme. Many millions of people have low testosterone levels, hormonal problems or even gender issues, and they all manage to get married, have sex and find love... why should you be the only one unhappy and unloved...
I think you need counselling and medical advice given by people familiar with hormonal problems.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionis it me, or does DC take forever to post replies?[DC is 'staffed' by volunteer moderators. It is an imperfect system, but it is the system we have available to us. I trust that you will understand.]
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@QueenKatie:"Choosing to eschew sex altogether is a completely rational and valid commitment, and no-one can question your right to make that choice for yourself. However, from what you have written, you are trying to do this but finding yourself experiencing sexual urges that disturb you. I am not sure that emasculation will solve this problem."I find it might do just that. Let me use a crude analogy, if i may(though i must warn you, it might not be an altogether intelligent one): A while back, I had my drivers license suspended. Now, after I got that letter from the DMV, I didn't even so much as go near my car. Heck, I was taking public transit for the better part of a year as a result. And truth be told, I didn't really miss driving myself around. Of course, I got the $$$ together to pay my fines and get my license back, but hopefully you get the idea of what I'm trying to convey. "Arousal is physical and hormonal, of course, but it is is also a mental phenomenon (as we woman will testify!!). In other words, removing your genitalia may not rid you of these urges, and you may find yourself simply finding other ways of expressing them."Once again, having my parts removed would probably relieve me of alot of these "natural" impulses/feelings - which i hate.I mean, I would like to be with a woman, but I'd prefer it if she was in the same boat as me, i.e.: a virgin. But i doubt there's any women in my age group who are still virgins. And as i've stated before, I'm wary of being with someone who's already experienced that. I fear being compared with whoever she was with in the past, whether experience-wise or appearance-wise. And as for my preconceived judgements about women, well, I've talked with alot of women in ychat before about that, and I've been told that most women would think I'm weird for not wanting sex. And it's not like I don't ever want to be with a woman, I would like that. But it would have to be an emotional, loving relationship, that didn't involve going that far. I'd rather just experience the things I should've in middle and high school: holding hands, kissing, cuddling. I'd rather be held than anything else. And I'm sorry if that might sound "weird", but I can't help it....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Miamine: I went to my father(who was a G.P. for nearly 30 yrs) with my concerns. When i was 21. He had my blood and saliva tested for test lvls. They came back low in blood test. levels. Now, maybe if I'd gone to my father when i was younger, and my body was still developing, then maybe I could've undergone some sort of therapy. But since I was already an adult, no therapy would've worked....
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 April 2010):
Yep, remember you well babes, you sound a lot less angry and upset, and I'm pleased about that.
You mention mainstream opinion, and the way sex is portrayed in the media... but that is all noise and nonsense. Millions of people round the world still get married and are faithful. There are tons of sensitive women and men, who are virgins, or have only had one or two partners and see not separation between sex and love.
You are only seeing the negatives, because that's what your looking for. Don't you understand that television, media and films are mostly fantasy and that's not how most people live.
You say you have an aversion to sex, but you haven't mentioned anything physical or mental that is stopping you, instead it sounds as if you've decided that you don't want sex, even though you've never experienced it.
There are a very few people in the world who are truly Asexual/Anti-sexual. They feel no sexual desire at all and would find sex disgusting and uncomfortable with men or women. These people usually don't masturbate, don't think about love, sex and have no wish to be emasculated. They have no problem avoiding sex, because the issue never comes up.
You don't sound like that... Instead you sound as if you don't think women can be trusted to accept you and love you exactly as you are, and to worship and adore you and try to make you happy.
If you were as totally rejecting sex, then you wouldn't be thinking so much about it. You wouldn't be here asking our opinions, you'd be at the doctors asking them to do surgery.
PS: Did you go and speak to a specialist doctor like I asked you to. Anyway, glad to see you are not as angry as you were before, but are thinking about where your life is taking you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@RAINORFIRE: "you may be averted to seing others having sex but since you havnt had it yourself how can you say you would not enjoy it."Well, because as i've stated, I don't like how it's been stripped of it's inherent meaning. It seems that we've being influenced to think of sex as something that's an everyday thing. I don't want that. I don't personally think that today's women want that either. Sorry, but I don't want that. And also, because of my physical development, or lack thereof, I fear any woman's reaction to my appearance. And I don't want to be one of those people who goes from bed to bed, from person to person looking for that type of gratification. It goes against my pricipals.....end of discussionAnd as for seeking medical treatment for my low test levels, it's a bit too late. I should've seeked treatment while my body was still developing....
...............................
A
female
reader, Polaroid93 +, writes (14 April 2010):
I have the same problem but as a woman and 18, you are not alone! If you care
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): My first question reading this is: why surgery?
Do you want to be emasculated because you believe that this will bring you closer to your true self? I.e. that you are inherently asexual, and that your current body with its rebellious sexual urges is a kind of lie? If this is your absolute conviction, then I think you should go for it! It's a major life choice, but if it makes you fundamentally unhappy that you are not emasculated, if it makes you feel that you're not able to live life as you really are, then I don't see why you shouldn't go for it (unless of course there are medical reasons why you can't have the op).
However, if you do not feel essentially like an emasculated person (i.e. if you don't see this as your primary identity), but are simply thinking of undergoing the op to rid yourself of troublesome sexual impulses, then I think you should perhaps pause. I find myself asking the question: why isn't celibacy the answer here? Choosing to eschew sex altogether is a completely rational and valid commitment, and no-one can question your right to make that choice for yourself. However, from what you have written, you are trying to do this but finding yourself experiencing sexual urges that disturb you. I am not sure that emasculation will solve this problem. Arousal is physical and hormonal, of course, but it is is also a mental phenomenon (as we woman will testify!!). In other words, removing your genitalia may not rid you of these urges, and you may find yourself simply finding other ways of expressing them. Rather than undergoing major and irreversible surgery which might not even prevent you from feeling aroused in other ways, I wonder whether you couldn't first work with a counsellor to find ways of controlling your sexual impulses, or feeling more comfortable living with them?
One of the reasons your post worries me slightly is that you sound as though you are fundamentally unhappy with who you are, and I am not sure that surgery will solve this. Don't get me wrong here: there is nothing wrong with disliking sex, as a philosophical and physical position on life. You're entitled to feel the way that you feel, and asexuality is a perfectly valid outlook. However, from what you say about being physically underdeveloped, I wondered if your loathing of sex is actually less of a reasoned commitment and more of a fear of rejection from others due to the physical consequences of your depressed testosterone levels? If this is the case, then I believe that you may undergo the surgery, and still emerge feeling unhappy.
I think you should go and see a counsellor about this, because it is a really major decision. I believe that you will need to do this in any case, since I imagine that most doctors would not dream of undertaking such a serious operation on a patient who had not already undergone a lengthy consultation and counselling process, as is the case in transgender operations, where people also feel trapped in a body that they feel misrepresents them. But I think it's important that you figure out whether your hatred of sex is an unshakeable philosophical conviction, or a result of past trauma or fear of rejection from others. I also think you should explore fully other avenues of dealing with the issue before taking the route of major surgery. Ultimately, though, if you find out that you really are an asexual, emasculated person inside, then have the surgery and be happy that your outer and inner selves match.
Just remember: always love who you are!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Didnt you ask this exact same question a few days ago?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Some people don't like sex, they're asexual. Saw it on 20/20 a few years ago and they live perfectly normal lives not having sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (14 April 2010):
 it seems to me you use this aversion to sex thing as an excuse to actually becoming involved in a relation ship.
Underdeveloped im not sure what you mean by that but if your a man and can physically have sex i dont see how your underdeveloped everyone comes in diffrent shapes and sizes.
I think the root of your aversion to sex is low self esteem, you dont feel any one could ever love you and want to have sex with you so youve come to hate sex and sexual representation alltogather.
I can understand not wanting to pay for sex because you can buy anything if you pay for something that some one should want to give you because they have a connection with you that makes it cheap.
i suggest speaking with a medical proffesional about raising your testostrone levels.
you say you have an aversion to sex but how can you be averted to something youve never tried since you also say your a virgin, you may be averted to seing others having sex but since you havnt had it yourself how can you say you would not enjoy it.
I think if you take some action instead of letting low self esteem bog you down you may find a nice woman to have a lasting healthy relation ship with including all the bells and whistles.
...............................
|
