A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem. I live with my grandma and my mom is out of the picture. Grandma is really strict and she makes it impossible to do practically everything. I mean things like seeing my friends outside of school, talking on the phone, and being on the computer. We still have a ground phone and we share a cheap cell phone so that if one or the other of goes anywhere we can call to say tboings changed or in my case, I have to ask permission if my friend want to go to a burger bar or something after we go somewhere. Or, so grandma can make sure I am why say I am. I have done nothing to make her think I would lie and she usually says no to going anywhere but 1 place. My friends try to help by inviting boys boys over or going to a boys house without telling me and that takes forever to plan because grandma keeps checking up on me or wants to talk to my friends parents to make sure I'm there. well, I have been seeing this boy for about three weeks and lately that's all I've been able to do I have to pretend I saw my friend. I'm upset for two reasons. for one thing, I miss my friends! I miss out on all the fun things they do in all the bonding. They told me it was just boring and that I didn't miss anything and that I should be grateful that I'm able to date. The other problem is the big one.All the guy wants to do with make any keeps putting my hand in his crotch when I don't want it there. I move it and I move away but he follows me and tells me to stop being a baby. I told him that I just wanted to watch the movie at his house and he just laughed at me and he told me it would suck if everybody at school thought I was gay. If the Catholic school and I know they would tell my grandma and she is really homophobic. He got mad at me when I start crying and last time I saw him he took his penis out of his pants and stood in front of me and rubbed it on my lips. he told me I needed to learn how to take a hint and that I should not have gotten him so hard if I didn't want to do anything. I don't do anything to do that to him, and he gets mad when I don't because I'm supposed to be his girlfriend. I finally tried really hard to give him a b****** but I just kept getting to where I thought I would get sick. he was clean but a a penis tastes and smells really gross. He says he did not come but I tasted something and now I'm really scared I should get tested but grandma makes that impossible. if I went to my normal doctor, I am afraid she will tell my grandma if I want birth control because it's on her insurance. I can't go to a free clinic because the one in town is walk in only and you can sit there for hours. my grandma won't let me go to a woman's doctor because she said you only go if you're having sex. I can't tell my friend because they think it's dirty to do more than kissing and they always want to know if he's a good kisser. I hunted around alot thats all he does and they laughed and said thats the point. I told them I miss them and I did not want a boyfriend and they said I needed to get out more. What do I do? I'm really upset about this but I have nobody to talk to. Grandma would put me under lock and key even more and nobody else at school likes me. my friends are the only ones who will talk to me and not make fun of me. changing schools is out of the question.What do I do? I feel like the girls are trying to get rid of me or something.
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (1 January 2016):
Hi, and thanks for coming to DearCupid with your questions. You don't seem to have a male role-model in your life. If you did and he was a good one, you'd quickly realize that your boyfriend's behavior is not just out of place but it very likely constitutes rape and could put him in jail for a nice long stay. Perhaps you don't realize it but he is waaaayyyyy out of bounds in how he treats you, and you should drop this guy asap. As all the others have noted, he is the real problem in your life. Your grandmother is a very, very far second. If he tries to force you to do anything you don't want to do or continues to do unwanted sexual things with you, tell him that he has already violated the law and could do long jail time for things already done.Grandma is grandma. Yes, she is very controlling but not so much that you have managed to get yourself into a bad relationship. Relationships are supposed to feel good. They don't make you cry and you involve forced sex. If you do have sex with this guy and get pregnant, you are guaranteed that he won't be there for you and your baby. So make sure he wears a condom if, heaven forbid, things get that far.It is unfortunate that you and your grandma aren't comfortable discussing sex and relationships. Yes, that seems to be mostly if not all her fault. Is there anyone in your life such as a teacher or priest who you can discuss your problems with? Everyone who has posted here gives great advice but it would sure help if you had someone local that you could sit down with, face-to-face, and talk about the things your grandma can't talk to you about. Good luck!!! And drop back and give us some updates. I can imagine you don't like hearing everyone wanting you to break-up with your boyfriend, but he is very, very bad news. We just want what's best for you.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (1 January 2016):
Your boyfriend is an absolute ass. He's abusive, he's manipulating you, he is sexually assaulting you and because you are new at this dating game you don't understand that. What he is doing is wrong. Please stop being alone with this guy. You should never feel pressured into sex, NEVER. And no means no, and please stand up for yourself.
Your grandmother is trying to protect you. I can tell that you are very sheltered and perhaps it would have been better for her to have frank talks with you about sex and responsibility rather than trying to shield you from everything.
I gotta tell you, if a boy was doing to my teenage daughter what this boy is doing to you there would be hell to pay. Not because of the sexual contact- teenagers will experiment- but because of the coersion and FORCED sexual contact. I can't stress this enough. This boy needs to be stopped because right now he's thinking what he's doing is OK. What happens next- he flat out goes out and rapes someone, that's what. An adult needs to be told about his behavior. Are there any other adults in your life you can trust?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): Your grandma is a bit over controlling, but she is just looking out for your safety. But what I want to focus on here is your so called bf. What he is doing to you is manipulative, and you need to get out of this relationship as fast as possible. I would consider what he is doing is rape. You didn't want anything he did to you, and you even pushed away from him, but he kept perusing. Sooner or later he's going to want sex, and he won't take no for an answer, and once he does do it with you, he will blackmail you to do any he wishes. This is a controlling bf, and you need to get out of this before he goes too far and it's too late.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): Your grandma is strict as she is precisely BECAUSE she doesn't want you to have this problem. I remember hearing a female police officer at a Women's Safety meeting that almost all rapes and assaults happen at the SECOND LOCATION. Your grandma is TEACHING you how to gain her trough being honest. If you called and said, "Grandma, the girls changed plans and are dropping me off at Guy's place" she would drop everything and come pick you up. She would probably forbid you from hanging out with the girls and they would probably drop you anyway. But that's a GOOD thing!
These girls are NOT your friends. They promise you that you will hang out and instead leave you with a guy you TOLD them you were uncomfortable with. They also laughed at you when you told them why you were uncomfortable and they told you you needed to out moremore when you TOLD them that you wanted to see them.
Your instincts tell you that they are trying to get rid of you and I'm sorry but I think they are. They are probably tired of your grandmother's rules ruining their fun so they think they will spend less time with you and "make it up to you" by getting you a boyfriend. That is NOT what friends do.
For one thing, when any of these girls calls you, tell them point blank that you thought it over and that they aree NOT your friends. Then, call that guy up and tell him he's NOT your boyfriend. it doesn't matter if he tells everybody at that you are gay. That is incredibly juvenile on his part and to be honest, he was probably hoping he could bragg about what you did together to his friends.
What this guy did was sexually assault you. by law, oral sex by force or coercion or threat IS considered rape. I would go straight to a trusted teacher, nurse, guidance counselor, or even principal and tell them its an EMERGENCY. Tell them EVERYTHING. Since he goes to your school, the school should be involved and should BACK you. Yes, you SHOULD tell on those girls because they were contributing. If I bought you a bottle of liquor and left you alone, I would be held responsible for whatever happened after I left.
I know you have a hard time standing up for yourself, but please hold your head high. If anyone says you're gay, tell them he's just mad you turned him down. If he or those girls harrass you, REPORT them. It's not being a tattletale. be prepared for the bullying to get worse. In our society, all that we hate to admit it, we are very much victim blamers. They say "she should have known he would want to do that. She was probably teasing him. She's such a prude, someone needed to loosen her up."
It's disgusting and sad what your friends and that guy did you. Your grandma probably knows that you have a hard time standing up for yourself so she gave you every chance she could to throw her under the bus when your friends try to pressure you into something she didn't like. She has you under her thumb because she realises you need it. You DO give your grandma every reason to think you would lie to her because that is what you have been doing.
Yes, she will be upset with you, and yes, she will take away even more freedom. She is wrong that you only go to a woman's doctor if you are having sex, you go to a woman doctor for the same reason you go to a dentist: preventive maintenance. I know you feel like you were the only one being punished and that you're being punished the harshest. I just hope that your grandmother is willing to take him to court but it will be very hard to get it to stick then there were no witnesses. Honey, my fingers are crossed for you good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): 1 if your boyfriend really loved you he wouldn't force you to do something you don't want to.
2. Talk to your Grandmother, if she puts you under lock and key it's for your protection but tell her you want a little freedom.
I'm not really sure what your question was but I hope this helped. Good luck.
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