A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I really suffer from a breakup...Okay, to be honest, it wasn't even a breakup. It was a rejection. My long distance crush is 21 and I’m turning 16 next month. The guy is simply awesome! I can tell you he's worth all my tears cause all my friends like him, too (but none of them loves him the way I do). So, we've known each other for 4 months and he flirted with me a lot in the beginning (it hurts me just to think about that again! It was pure bliss!). Then he stopped and I started worrying. I though he'd fallen in love with me and was losing interest. I told my best friends about him and they all said the right things (“he’s only trying to be your friend”, etc. Now I can see they were right). I overanalyzed every single word he said, spent hours looking for love advice online and cried a lot. I told him I didn't like it when he chatted with other girls a couple of times but when I realized it'd scare him off, I stopped doing that. I gave him space and told myself I couldn't and shouldn't have controlled him. But when I let him know I had a crush on him, he said he loved me as a friend. It was clear he liked me, he was happy to be my friend... But he didn't like me the way I wanted him to (yup, I know what you’re thinking...just another sad love story...). I let him know how bad he made me feel but then I decided not to do that anymore. He said I was important to him but I don't think he really meant it...but to be honest, I don't know. Yesterday I found out he had a girlfriend. He mentioned her while talking to me last week but he said they were just friends. I stalked him a little bit and I found out he'd told her he moved on and she'd started dating someone else. But it was clear that she still loved him. I though they'd never get back together cause even though he was friendly to her (he's always sweet and friendly to everyone) he didn't seem very interested in her, plus she was dating someone else. Now that they are in love again, it doesn't seem like they're going to break up. Even if I knew his girlfriend, I wouldn't hate her. I wished him a happy future with her though it was hard. I told him he'd made me cry but I'd decided to let him go. He said he loved me as a friend once more... I don't want to break them up cause I love my crush and I don't want to hurt him. Plus I wish I was friends with his girlfriend, she seems like a nice girl. And I'm really getting ready to move on, I cut off all the contact with him and I'm trying not to think of him all the time. I want to stay friends with him. But I also want him to love me (it’s a secret!)... Is that possible? My parents are going to be moving to another state quite soon and I'll be way closer to my crush than I am now so that distance won't be much of a problem (his girlfriend lives really far from him so I hope her and I will have equal chances to see him often). And he’s not a player, he’s just a friendly, nice guy...Or that’s what I think at least. He seems to be crazy about her... I never asked him but I guess I was his rebound girlfriend or something of the sort... He’s so perfect (I know he has flaws, I can even name them but that’s okay, I won’t try to change him)! I feel like I’m waiting for him to fall in love with me. But deep down, I don’t like that feeling. I guess I’m too clingy and possessive. But he’s my very first love, I just can’t help feeling this way cause I’m so afraid to lose him...I’d rather be his friend than say goodbye to him forever. Do you think I have a chance with this guy? I mean, is there any chance of him falling for me - even the slightest one? And if not, how can I stop feeling jealous and start being truly happy for my sweetie (the question is weird, I know)?
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a break, best friend, crush, flirt, get back together, jealous, long distance, move on, player, stalking Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm back and dang... I guess I need help. My friends gave me lots of advice already but I'm still so confused. The good thing is that I'm over him! It was hard though... At first, I lied to myself about being over him, I wanted to stay friends with him and still secretly love him. We had two fights and they were painful. We were talking about something serious and I said something and he got me wrong and stopped trusting me, then I explained everything to him and said sorry and I really meant it but he ignored that and we kept talking about other things. The other time I said something nice about his girl and he said "Don't go" when I was already about to leave. I was like "Talk later" but his words made me feel butterflies and everything. I hoped he'd tell me something like “You’re such a great friend, you love my gf, I know it was hard for you to get over me but I love you as a friend, I really mean it, you’re cool and I just really appreciate you being in my life, not that I’m gonna cheat on her but you’re so awesome”. I knew it was just wishful thinking again and the next day I got online and I was shocked. He left me a text and it said “I just nave no one else to talk through [Hangouts] right now”. It still hurts me to even think of it. I got so mad at him for using me and I told him how I felt but in the middle of writing him I realized I didn’t want to hurt him and I said that, too. He brushed it all off again... Right after his 22nd birthday he stopped talking with me and I missed him and when I tried to talk with him in March, he was like "Leave me the hell alone, find someone your age" - that's just what he said. We never talked again. I was hurt but about a month later I got over him. And now the bad thing is that I feel kinda sorry about it. It feels like I betted that I'd keep loving him no matter what till I find someone like him or get him back... and I lost the bet. After thinking about our weird relationship/friendship/whatever, talking with friends, googling toxic relationships millions of times I started hating him but then I started feeling like I just don’t care. And still I keep telling myself I “should” miss him. It’s not like I “don’t wanna be lonely” or still think he’s the one (he’s not!), I just feel ashamed for not being able to recognize the perfect match for me and for falling for a random guy. Sure, he did have his amazing qualities and we’re compatible enough - in fact, we could have been a cute couple if he liked me and agreed to wait till I’m 18 at least, if he and his girl didn’t get back together and if he respected and appreciated me more. I can’t accept the fact that I’ve let him go even though it’s what I wanted. I miss the feeling of being in love with/ crushing on him (and only him) but I don’t miss him. I never loved any guy more than I loved him and being over him feels... strange. Okay, I’m single, independent and I love my freedom but I also can’t forget that feeling. Adrian has literally changed my life and I wish he turned out to be the kind of guy he is to his girlfriend. He loves her and she’s crazy about him, too. That’s cute, I wish him well and all but in fact I just don’t care. It’s sad. Maybe it was my own fault that he treated me like he did, I’m ready to accept that. But it was so awesome to feel these pangs of jealousy, to stay up late for him, to dream of him and our future marriage and kids and how happy I’d make him feel and how tender, reliable and caring he’d be (he actually is that way but only when he’s with her and it again makes me feel like I missed my chance), to cry and hurt myself when things go wrong, to literally hear the beating of my heart when he starts talking... I miss that. And it feels like I miss him but I’m not sure. So... is it okay to have all these feelings?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 January 2016):
 OH sweetie you have it bad.
He won't think you are jealous.
He doesn't see you that way at all.
You don't want to lose him... you can't lose what you have never had.
you will later in life look back at this and give the same advice to young women of 16...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell yeah, I do have other friends but I think he's still just as sweet as he was before, I see no point in cutting all the contact immediately. He might think I'm jealous or that I want to hurt him...He used to be such a huge part of my life and I didn't want to accept it at first but it will be really hard to let him go like that. Now I know I should distract myself from thinking about him, do something else, go out with friends, anything to get him off my mind but when I try to forget him, I always feel kinda guilty and sad. I don't know how to deal with it...I want to stay friends with him, I don't want to lose him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2016):
 I think you should look elsewhere for a friend, HE isn't one.
He thought it would be a bit of fun to talk and flirt with you and once he realized you thought he was serious he pulled away. He isn't a nice fella, not a good friend.
Don't you have some "real" friends? In school/neighborhood? Someone you can hang out with and and have fun with?
The internet is not always the best place to find friends. Some people don't really care or realize that there is a another human being being the screen and that one should treat others as nicely and we want to be treated ourselves. And some (like your "friend") might just not care.
Let him go...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I guess I need to try to keep my feelings in check one more time but do you mean I have to cut the contact forever? Is that really what you mean?! He didn't even wish me a happy New Year... I'm not saying I won't survive it...But anyway...why the heck have we met? I mean, he knows I need him and I'm not asking for his attention or love or anything anymore...It's just not fair, if we're friends, we should stay friends. He was online yesterday and he didn't try to contact me. Do I really mean that little to him?! I just can't believe it. He may not love me but I don't care anymore, I just need him to think of me sometimes. Has he been lying to me all along? Maybe he just doesn't know how much I miss him. But if he did, would he miss me, too? I don't know... And if we're friends... should I try to start a convo first?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): You weren't his rebound girlfriend, you were his online friend there is a big difference. It is clear that he doesn't feel the same so stop bothering to think about him
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 January 2016):
I don't want to break your heart, honey - but.. you can't MAKE people love you. And this guy, well... he doesn't love you the way you want him too, he likes you as a friend as that is it.
I think he did wrong in flirting with you in the beginning if he knew you were only 16 and he had a GF. That is not really good behavior for a BF. So while you have a big old crush on him, don't forget he is not as "flawless" as you think.
The guy you "love" (or rather is super infatuated with) is a fantasy character based on a guy you have talked to online. That is it. It's like falling into a major crush with a character from a movie or a book. It's not REAL.
REALITY is... he has a GF. And nothing you can say or do will make him ditch her for you.
I think he might have pulled back one he figure out that you went from thinking friendship to having feelings for him. I think that is why he has pointed out to you more than once that he "loves" you as a friend. Bad choice of words. He should have said LIKE you as a friend. And I also think that is why he brought up the whole GF thing. To let you down "easy".
My advice? Move on, cut the contact. If you are looking for a BF, go with someone who lives close enough to you that you can spend time together (not over text/facebook/im, Tindr or whatever apps you may have). And look for someone who is closer in age to yourself.
6 years is WAY to big an age gap at your age. And you don't really want to be seen as jail-bait, right? Or robbing the cradle?
Chin up honey, we ALL (no matter age) get crushes.
Crushes are a ONE-SIDED infatuation with another person. It can be an almost stranger or someone you know. The "bad" part about a crush is, that that infatuations is not always returned. JUST because you are crushing on someone doesn't mean the OWE you squat. They don't OWE you to "love" you back, or feel the same way. That is why when HAVING a crush you chill a little with those emotions. You either take the time getting to know the other person - not just their "persona" - you spend time with them, again NOT online but in person. (if possible) Sometimes that crush grows into love, and not only one-sided - but must crushes don't. They are just OVER the top attractions & infatuation with someone else. It's like a little "drug" that gives you butterflies and happy feelings, but... IT IS NOT... REALITY. IT's fantasy.
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