A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend about 4 months. She asked me the other day about my ex's and I told her what she's asked and was honest. So I asked her about hers.She told me that she still talks to one of her ex's. No problem there, so do I. She then said that she'd slept with him since they'd split up. Well I haven't done that, all about a clean break with me. Then she said that they'd done this quite a lot. Then she said that she'd got the impression that he wants to do it again. She's from spain and has just gone back there for a month. She also said that she had arranged to meet him. When i asked, she said that he didn't know about me.This all makes me a little uneasy. Very uneasy actually.Before she left she said to me that she didn't want me to go with anyone else. i'm not going to do that!! but why would she ask me - maybe she's thinking it will happen with her and her ex? I was open and said that it made me feel uneasy and she said that nothing would happen. But obviously she's been tempted in the past.Why didnt she mention me when he 'gave her the impression' that he wanted her again? thats the first thing I'd say - 'sorry (ex) i'm with someone else now'.As i said, the whole thing is making me feel uncomfortable. I cant really speak to her now until she gets back - only by email, etc and thats not ideal to have a serious conversation. Could be tricky talking on the phone/skype - things could get lost in translation, so to speak, although she does speak english.Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!Thanks.
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male
reader, Calum  +, writes (15 April 2013):
Hi, it's very difficult to broach the subject now your girlfriend is away and you can only communicate via emails until she gets back. In all honestly a loving girlfriend wouldn't put you in this position and you are quite right to feel uneasy. I would prepare for every eventuality to be honest. Four months is not a great amount of time and is the early stages of a relationship. Sit back and take it easy until she comes back. when she comes back look her straight in the eyes and ask her, explain to her you've been worrying and that surely she should understand that given the information she's given you. If its not the news you want to hear stand tall and move on to someone better who deserves you.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (15 April 2013):
 Hi, Maybe its best she meets and if she has any unresolved feelings she figure it out now. It would be worst after a long courting with you she decides she is not over the ex.
Its not ideal for you and its also not fair, but it also depends how you look at it. In an ideal world we all would like to be the only love interest of our BF or GF but that does not always happen.
Dont contact her, give her the space and hopefully when she comes back she can be honest and let you know that she is now 100% committed to you. I hope things work out the way you want!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): hi anonymous, From what you've described, I would be very uncomfortable as well...'She then said that she'd slept with him since they'd split up.' This is quite common - not very wise perhaps, but not cause for concern in itself. As long as it didn't happen while she was in other relationships I wouldn't hold it against her. 'she said that she'd got the impression that he wants to do it again.' In my opinion, it is absolutely unacceptable for her to meet up with him, knowing as she does that he wants more. It is inappropriate and disrespectful to you for her to spend time alone with someone who clearly wants to get in her pants. It's not obviously the case that she wants anything to happen since she told you that they're meeting up.Still,I wonder about her motives for hanging around him. Is she insecure and meeting up with him for the extra attention even if she doesn't plan on it going any further? Did she arrange the meeting and tell you about it to get you jealous/ get more attention from you?'When i asked, she said that he didn't know about me.'This is really worrying that she's not keen to let the world - especially her ex- know that you're together. Is it because it's a new relationship and she's still not sure whether it's going anywhere? Or maybe she's leaving a door open to get back with him depending on how their meeting goes? It is very strange indeed and I would sit down and have a conversation with her when she gets back about how confident she is about this relationship. It doesn't sound like you're on the same page in terms of level of commitment.Out of curiosity, when she mentioned that they were meeting up, did you raise your concerns then? What was her reaction? Were you explicit in your discomfort and she went on and did it anyways? That would suggest you're not a priority for her.I get your fear about the tone/ message/ getting lost in translation, but this is kind of a big issue to wait until you see her in person because then it might be too late. Even if nothing happens at their meeting, will you still trust that she cares about your feelings in this relationship?I've been with my bf for almost 3 years now and it's going great. The last two years have been long distance - he's in France and I'm in England. We've had serious issues to discuss and telephone/ skype / email has had to suffice. It just needs both of you to have the patience to listen and understand each other. To be loyal, trusting and trustworthy.I'd personally raise my concerns. Her decision about whether to meet up with him or not, regardless of whether she sleeps with her ex after this meeting or otherwise, will let you know whether she cares about your feelings and respects your relationship.Good luck !
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