A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:At first when we met, my husband was a little romantic, would say some nice things, and we had at least a little physical romance. It was good in the beginning and it still is, but he just doesn't care about what I feel when we (now) rarely do anything at all. I've never had an orgasm, he's my first and only, and we've talked about it (though he tends to try and avoid talking about anything at all). Even after we talk, he just doesn't try to help with it. I'm not selfish, I let it go, but I can't let go that he went and looked up online that its normal for women to not be able to reach that point. He thinks that I had a problem with being defective, but I don't, I have a problem with him not particularly caring, especially when he gets what he wants and he's done with me for another two weeks or more. I've talked to him about not lasting long enough as well, but he doesn't exactly try to handle that part either. Some of it may be my fault, I have no confidence (from childhood environment and other factors) and I'm completely shy, I can't start anything with him, and having him talk to other women (explained below) isn't helping the least bit. If he doesn't care what I feel, how am I supposed to try and do things with him when I know that he's just going to help himself to what he wants and ignore me for the rest of the day? The worse part of all though is that he talks to a woman that he knew before me, that he still talks to, and that he wanted to be with. She wouldn't let him get close to her, and he still wants her, has even told her he still wants her and that he still loves her, even after we've been married for a while. I confronted him with talking inappropriately at first (which at the time was all I knew that was going on), he said it was a joke, well it's not funny! And it's really not funny when they keep on "joking" together. I found out later, yesterday, that he had been telling her he loved her and still wanted her, as recently as when I confronted him a few months ago. When we talked, well, when I talked to him, we had separate definitions of cheating, which I did tell him when we met, but he somehow has a knack at forgetting important things. Even if his definition of cheating didn't include talking inappropriately with other women, online or not, it should have included telling another woman he loves her and that he still wants her.He won't talk to me about it, I'm trying and all he does is huff and puff and stay silent. He's making me out to be the bad person for asking him why he did something like that. I'd like to know, but he says again that he forgot, doesn't know why he said it and doesn't even remember saying it. I have his online logs, I didn't peep, I downright asked for them on a gut feeling, and I was right. He has no sexual attraction towards me except for when he sees something on the tv he likes, and then it's not me he wants, it's just the action of having it. Even then, its rare that we do anything, and when we do, there's no me involved, he doesn't try to do anything for me or help me in any way. We're married, have been for a year, I need advice on how to talk to him, how to tell him that I love him but that he just can't love me enough, love me how married couples should, if he loves someone else and keeps talking to that someone else. It's always the same woman too and she's nothing like me and what he says he wants.This is the second time I've confronted him with something like this, and for the same girl as well. I don't think I can stay with him if he's still attached to someone else. I already feel as though he doesn't love me like I love him, he just likes that I'm a dork like him. I feel like we're just friends, and when we do things that I'm just some whore that he has to do those things to. I've never had a man except for him, and I am paranoid yes, but I just can't trust him after this, at least no where near where we could have been.How can I get him to talk to me, seriously, without trying to avoid it? I tell him how important it is to talk about these things, and he just gets upset. He says it's all in the past, that it doesn't matter anymore and that he wont do it again. He told me he'd never do it in the first place, in fact it's one of his "rules." I am very bad at trusting people, because of where I've come from and the people I've lived with, I was just starting to trust him, and now this happens and he won't even talk to me about it? If he's lied so much so far, how am I supposed to really consider what he's telling if and when we do talk about it? I don't know what to do, and I know my mom would say divorce him, but I don't want to give up that easy, I love him too much and I really don't want to lose him, I want to trust that he won't do this again; it's already a large enough problem to trust anyone let alone him after he loves another woman while he's married to me?I know I have a lot of questions, but I need a lot of advice and help, I really don't know what to do, all I know is I love him and I don't want it to end like this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): What are you waiting for? This man to destroy your self confidence completely? You have a right to be happy and to be treated with RESPECT, he is obviously not doing so, the calls to the "other woman" has not stopped, as he has previously promised you. If I had to be in your shoes, I will: "Get out". I urge you: please think of yourself, is this what you want for the rest of your life? Sharing him with somebody else? Love yourself enough and have enough dignity, he is not worthy of your trust, love. Find yourself somebody who can value these qualities, and bleieve me there is. You are fortunate, you have no child to worry about and can move on without having any future ties with him. Best of luck, do what is best for YOU!
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