A
female
age
36-40,
*G123
writes:At first glace it would seem that things are fine, however, I have never been so lonely and miserable in my life. My husband is not home very often and goes to his friends’ houses, his dad's house or fishing after work most days. When he is at home he ignores me and the kids and thinks that I should be his servant. I am always outside with the kids jumping on our trampoline, pushing the kids on the swing, going to the pool at the YMCA and so on, he has NEVER COME WITH ME IN 6 YEARS. He has never pushed our 6 year old on the swings and has never pushed his son on the swings. He rarely does anything with us. I have only gone somewhere by myself two times in the last 6 years for only a few hours. Not even to the store. Even when my son was a newborn he refused to help. Now that my son is a toddler he still refuses to help. Before our second child was born, I worked full-time, after my son was born I stayed home with the kids and am going to school on-line. When I was working full-time he worked a very, very part-time job and made me pay for everything. Most of the time he won't watch the kids so that I can take an on-line test, when he does he pretends to fall asleep so my 6 year old daughter will have to take care of my 1-1/2 year old son. The tests are timed, and most of the time I get interrupted multiple times and sometimes have to end the test before I am finished. I have still maintained good grades in school, I started taking the tests in the middle of night so that my son would be asleep. My husband won't bring us anywhere with him, I wanted to come to his friend’s house with him once and he made me and the kids wait in the car for 45 minutes, while he went inside. I don't know anyone that does that to his wife and kids. Fishing and hunting are good 10 months out of the year, sometimes I hardly see him. Below is his work, fishing, hunting, friends and family schedule for a week. Saturday: Hunting in Eastern Washington 2am-10pmSunday: Our daughters B-day 1pm-4pm then off to his dad's house by himself from 5pm -9:30pmMonday: Home from work at 3 gone hunting from 3:15- 8:30pmTuesday: home from work at 2:30 gone fishing from 3:00pm-6pmWed: Home after work b/c it was my daughters b-dayThursday: Home from work at 2:30 gone fishing from 3pm-9:30pmFriday: Home from work at 2:30 went to friends house from 3pm-6pmSaturday: Duck Hunting 6am-9:10pmSunday: Dad's house 9am -11:30am then home.I feel like it is unfair for him to refuse to watch the kids for me when he has the above personal schedule. During his time at home he has to catch up on sleep and/or watch fishing on youtube. I like to swim, waterski, snowboard, run and bike ride. HE HAS NEVER DONE ANY OF THOSE THINGS WITH ME. I can’t force him to take an interest, but it would be nice if we could spend family time at the lake or something. Before my son was born and I was working I liked one of my co-workers. I never acted on it or anything, but it was like a really, really, really enjoyed being at work, because his energy made me really happy. Every time he came in the door my heart would start racing, I would get butterflies in my stomach and I had an overwhelming sense of joy. I hardly knew this guy, he worked across from me, but I would dream about him almost every night. I would day dream about him at work too. I think that the traits that this guy has is exactly what I want in a man. The weird thing about it is that I have had boyfriends and have been married for 6 years, but I have never felt this sort of energy from someone. I hardly talked to this guy, but even now, I have not worked with him in 1-1/2 he still constantly shows up in my dreams. Maybe his is symbolic of everything I want. He is a little older than me and lives an active lifestyle, likes the same things that I do, and he is absolutely gorgeous. I think that I think of him, because I am totally miserable and I think I would have been completely happy if I ended up with a guy like him…. But who knows he could be an a-hole and I just don’t know it. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, where there was always fighting and the cops were always being called. My dad has sever bipolar growing up and was in and out of mental institutions throughout my childhood, therefore I have to realize that I have not learned how a functional family would operate. It's kind of weird, but my husband asked me the other day what grade our daughter was in. He won't take an interest in anything I do. I do everything by myself and I am sick of it, I have been completely focused on my family for the last several years and being stable. I have not taken anytime for myself, because I want to make sure I can stay financially stable for my kids sake. It seems like I am a single mom and he is an absent father. I just need to start making some positive changes in my life, I could go on and on about the how mad I am at my husband, but it will not do any good. I am worried that he does not really love me, he just wants to use me to raise our kids then when the kids our old enough, he wants to train our son to be like him, and fish every chance he gets and leave mom at home.My husband is affectionate towards me, he gives me a kiss before he leaves for work which is nice. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life with him. What are the kids going to think if I left?? What would the kids think if I stayed?? Maybe it is all me and I am the bad one. It is probably both of us, I am at fault because I do not force him to spend time with his family….. I always have this Cinderella dream, where me and kids go and run off with that guy that I used to work with, and in my dream I am always incredibly happy and the four of us do stuff together all the time. I have this re-occurring dream where we stay in a hotel up next to Chrystal Mountain and ski all day then have the most amazing…. I know it is completely unhealthy to even think about that. But I don’t want to waste my life being unhappy. Pretty soon I will be old….. then what??? I just don’t want to miserable for the rest of my life. I will not ever contact this guy because; he would think I was a wacko if he does not already…. I think I am a wacko for even dreaming of him….anyone reading this would think the same thing.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2013):
 I think you are wasting your life with him.
DO NOT stay because you are worried what the kids will think.
IF you want your kids to grow up thinking that his behavior is acceptable then stay with him. Your son will learn to not be a parent since MEN DON'T PARENT based on the role model he has. your daughter will learn to be a doormat and be ignored since that is what she sees her father do to her mother.
the reason you dream of another man is you know in your heart that your husband's behavior is not acceptable that a kiss before he leaves for work is not enough...
I would see an attorney... find out what you need for an exit strategy.... you will need court ordered child support and I would request supervised visitation should he ask for visitation (although I'm betting if you leave he will have nothing to do with the kids till the son is much older but by then the son will be estranged enough to not want to be with dad possibly)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): Honey its simple start working so you have some time to yourself and have the independence also I would start giving him some of his own medicine. Because you begging and complain is not going to change his ways. Just make sure you leave the kids in his care and spend time with friends and family and this will hit home with him that what is good for him is good for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): Well your husband is an inconsiderate jerk. But you bear the responsibility for choosing to marry him and make a family with him. He didn't turn into this overnight. I think you are now just unfortunately bearing the consequences of your bad choice of husband. Forget the coworker guy. You don't know him. You don't know that he would want to get involved with someone who already has kids. But I would seriously consider leaving your hb. You are right not to force him to spend time with the family. That would be so fake. All that would happen is now he will resent you rather than just you resenting him. Your hb has shown loud and clear that he wants to live as a single man without a family. Many men like the idea of having a family (boosts their ego) but have zero interest or even actively dislike family life. So yes he is using you - to provide what he does want which is the idea and knowledge that he has a wife and kids so people don't think he is defective. But that is where his interest ends. I would suggest you let him go. Such people are more a hindrance to your life if they are stuck in the role of your spouse and continually not fulfilling it. At least if you divorce him and become a single mom you will have no expectation of him to be let down from. And you will be free to pursue whichever man you want who might make a better life partner. So own up to your mistake which is having poor judgment in choice of mate. Now take corrective action and kick him out of the role he is not fulfilling which is that of your husband.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 February 2013):
 It definitely sounds like you and your husband are on different wave lengths on what each of you needs to be happy.
It would appear that on the surface that he wants to do whatever he wants with little consequence to the kids and you. Some guys are built this way and that's the way they were raised: the women raise the kids while the man works and does "man" things. It could be a role that he doesn't think as good or bad, but as natural and expected...
My suggestions are as follows for you:
1) Take each day one at a time. It is easy to dig yourself into an emotional pit by projecting what your worst fears for tomorrow is on today. If you look at it metaphorically, you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow and you are urinating all over today. Don't ruin today.
2) If you haven't done so already have a heart-to-heart with your husband. Just as you have done here, tell him you need more from him than a paycheck and a guy to do guy things. You need nurturing and affection and so do the kids. Perhaps write a short letter to your husband telling that you miss the man you married and you feel disconnected. See how he responds.
3) If you are the reading types, try to read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. It is a short, easy to find book and if both of you read and follow the suggestions, I think it will make a big difference in your marriage. The book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" may also be enlightening.
4) Your childhood sounds rough. You may find it useful to read Dr Laura Schlessinger's "Bad Childhood -- Good Life". I have not read it, but you may be able to find some use from it.
5) Perhaps it is time for you and your husband to have date night. Schedule going out to dinner, a movie, bowling -- something fun and just the two of you. Also, shoot for a long-term goal: perhaps a getaway to a fun locale. It will give you something to look forward to and it might help rekindle your need for one another.
Ultimately, you've got to take action. My suspicions is that your husband is oblivious to your feelings and the sooner you tell him you are hurting, the sooner you can get to recovering and loving again.
Eddie
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