A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will try to make this short and sweet ! I have been dating a man that I really care for ( i am 31 , he is 36) We have been dating a short time..2 months. We have talked about our future..getting engaged...starting a life together its been exciting!...we both seem to want the same things and I think we feel happy to of found each other. The problem I have noticed in the past week in a half or so is that he seems insensitive and cold at times and when I try to tell him without nagging..how something he said makes me feel..or hurt my feelings...he just doesn't say much of anything. He will listen to me but then just basically is quiet or will say yeah..guess I did come across that way and yeah I can be cold sometimes , huh?! But I guess what I am looking for and trying to explain to him is that my love language is affirmations and that after he KNOWS i feel hurt or bothered by something he said I would like to be consoled a little bit and for him to say something like " babe, sorry I hurt your feelings, i didn;t mean too. I'll try better next time" or you know something along those lines that lets me know that he cares and is concerned about my emotional needs and making me feel good. I mean, a relationship is all about bending and compromise and trying to make sure your partner feels loved and cared about , right ? He told me just last week he was falling in love with me...He calls me everyday and we text thru out the day...he has told me that I am the best thing that has happened to him and a few sweet things like that. I know he is overwhelmed with work as he talks about it ALOT.....SOO i guess i am looking for advice on what I should do , if anything...or just wait it out? I truly don't think he is a player or using me or anything like that. Ive met his family several times and they love me and I felt the same. I am not high maintenance or clingy...Any advice for a new, budding relationship ?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2014):
 At about two months, the true colors start coming out...
this is how he is... he is not an affirmation guy. If you know your love language that's good but you need to know his.
I like words and gifts my hubby is an acts of service kind of guy... had I NOT known this (I Had him take the test on the 5 languages of love website) I never would have figured out how he tells me he loves me. He never says it. He shows me.
If you can't learn to speak his love language, then you may not be as compatible as you think.
I also learned my telling him I love him means NOTHING to him so I don't say it. BUT my doing his laundry or picking up milk for him screams "I LOVE YOU" to him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2014): How about sitting down to some good old-fashioned communication regarding your relationship? There are two people forming a union between you. One has to know what's going on with the other. That's call being compatible.
First off, the relationship is in its infancy; so you have to establish a fluid line of communication now, rather than later.
Quit all that talk about engagement and marriage.
It's premature and you hardly know anyone in two months.
It takes that long just to get your feelings established, and on the same page. You're just over-enthusiastic about having a man. Girlfriend, I know it has been a long and arduous journey to this point in your life. Wondering when the right man will come along and when you'll have a husband and babies. All wrapped-up the possibilities of marriage! Now you're all syrupy and sappy; because he told you he's falling in-love. Get a serious grip!!!!
You had better slow your roll. Inconsistency in behavior is a red-flag. If you can't deal with his "hot and cold" mood-swings two months in, get all those visions of wedding bells and bridal gowns out of your 30-something year-old head; or push the pause button!
I don't mince words and sugar-coat advice when women put their hearts out there on the line. They get in their thirties and getting a man is going to send them to the moon; and not even their mothers can tell them anything. Only the wise listen to good advice, and fools are the victims of their own stupidity. Tears of dispair don't wash away mistakes, they're just proof you wished you had listened to your mother, friends, and me.
Tell him that you are very uncomfortable with the abrupt changes in his mood. You take cues very well, just let you know when things are off-kilter. You like to exchange apologies when you step on each others feelings. From this point on, let your feelings move at a crawl.
A guy telling you he loves you can sometimes be a way to gain control. Actions speak louder than bullsh*t.
Sweet-talk is nice to hear, but being treated right is much better. Guys who don't tell you what's on their mind make horrible husbands, and terrible fathers. If you keep things to yourself, you're better off alone. What happens when you bottle up pressure? At some point there is an explosion. You're his partner, and you're there to help him decompress.
Don't bother coming over if he's in a sh*tty mood. How about that?
If he's cold and distant, then back off and cool your jets.
For the sake of all that's holy, please please please don't get whiny. That is a sign he has the ruling position in the relationship, and your neediness or submissiveness will be your very undoing. Plant your feet. Earn and demand your due respect.
Let him know moodiness is hard for you to deal with; and if he's having a bad-day, kindly let you know. You will respect his space. Inform each and every lover, boyfriend, and potential mate that you are a lady who likes open communication in your relationship. Settle for nothing less, or you will be another OP married to a block of ice chiseled into the shape of a man.
Most guys you haven't been with that long that talk all that crap about weddings and kids are full of bullsh*t.
Sooner or later, smart women figure that out. If you can't talk to each other regarding your feelings and how you treat each other; don't talk about marriage and kids. It doesn't make any sense.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (17 September 2014):
 Talking about spending a lifetime together and marriage after just two months is crazy! Sorry to be blunt but you hardly know each other. You are still both in the "best behaviour" stage of trying hard, fitting around each other and getting carried away.
Its only now, after two months, that the cracks are starting to appear. He is no longer on his best behaviour and starting to show sides to his personality you hadn't seen before. At first its all fun, excitement and a rush so you both got carried away with big plans, my guess is that now, after a couple of months, he is realising that talk of marriage and so forth is way too soon.
The best thing is see how you go in another months or so. By al means talk to him about his coldness and hurtful comments but it does sound like the excitement and newness that hide cracks before is giving way to his coldness and lack of sensitivity.
Mark
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