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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm going crazy. I've been with one man for alomost 4 years. During these 4 years he's been very non-commital, neglectful of our relationship, and has left me more times than I can count. I decided to break up with him on May 13th, and that night his daughter was killed in a car accident. Of course he came running to me 20 minutes after it happened. I felt I had no choice but to be there for him during this time. The loss of his daughter caused him to re-think the importance of our relationship, but I had my doubts as to whether I could ever trust him with my heart again. I told him I needed time, and he told me that he loved me more than anything and to take all the time I needed. I slept with him on the 18th, but he ended up cheating on me with some old girlfirend a few days later.Let me go back a bit. A year ago I met another guy. This was during one of the times when my boyfriend had just returned after having left me for a couple of weeks. This new guy swept me off my feet. We fell in love very quickly, but I found out a while later that he was married. Wouldn't you know it. So this new relationship started off with lies, but he assured me that they were not ever going to work things out and that he was going to divorce his wife. We had some major ups and downs as well, but different ones. I went back and forth between the two for the past year, not knowing what to do. My boyfriend is almost 50, I'm almost 40, and the other guy is only 33. They now know about each other, and they both want to marry me. There are things I love about both of them, and things I can't stand about both of them. I don't know how to let go of either one of them. I don't think either one is really good for me. I end up feeling so terribly alone and miserable most of the time. My heart is usually in utter agony over the whole situation, and I just don't have a clue what to do at this point. I am somewhat back in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, but am missing the other terribly. My feelings for my boyfriend have diminished considerably after having gone through so much pain with him. I was so good to my boyfriend. I treated him like a king. Maybe that's why he wasn't committed. It's like the old saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". I gave him everything and took him back every time he left me. I was like a filling station for him. He'd come and get all the love, sex and food from me, then go leave again. This just chipped away at my love for him.This other guy was there to pick up the pieces every time my boyfriend left me. He treated me like a queen, but was married. He has a lot of anger because I kept going back to my boyfriend, but never angry enough to leave me for good. He kept telling me that he would treat me so much better, take care of me, marry me, buy me a house, and love me more than my boyfriend would. But still I held on to both. So where i'm at now is that I have told my boyfriend that we'll get married. I told the other guy not to call me, but he still does every day. I want to hear his voice and see his face, but haven't because I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. I don't know why I care because he cheated on me. But still I do. So I've committed to living a life with a guy that has nothing to offer me but love. He has no money, lives in a double wide manufactured home, and is not very ambitious. The other guy has tons of money, will be divorced in 2 and a half months, has plenty of time to spend with me, and wants to buy me a big beautiful house. HIs family loves me and wants us to get married, while my boyfriends family is all screwed up and sides with him no matter what he does wrong. I've lost so much by being with my boyfriend. He's cost me millions of dollars because I neglected my business, I bought a million dollar house thinking we'd be living in it together, but had to sell it because my business fell apart. And now I have no income what so ever. I know it's my own doing, but it was out of love (or stupidity) that I did what I did. Now I have nothing. The other guy wants to help me get my business back up and running and make life easier for me. He wants to love and cherish me like I deserve. So what the heck do I do? I know the answer seems easy, but it's far from easy for me. For once I need to think of myself instead of being led around by my heart. I love both men, but am aching for the other guy now. I'm sure I would ache for my boyfriend if we weren't together, but I'd be living the kind of life I want to live, and probably would be able to recoup what I've lost, plus gain much more by being with the other guy. What would you do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm new to this post. I put my reply in the wrong place.
Thank you both so much for responding. I've felt so incredibly alone for the past 2 years. I was in an 18 year loveless marriage that finally ended in a very ugly way. Everything that I worked so hard for fell apart and left me only feeling empty and devastated. I met my boyfriend, fell in love, and felt things I had never felt before. I never knew that I was so capable of loving and giving myself so completely.
The thing is that I do love this other guy. I don't just see him for what he can give me. Believe me, my boyfriend has absolutely nothing and I was willing to spend the rest of my life with very little had he just been able to give as well as he took. Now he says he's ready to give and love me like I deserve, but at this point I don't feel like I have much left to give of myself.
The other guy is calling me telling me how much he misses and loves me, so I have both of them calling me constantly throughout the day and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I miss the other guy so much. I miss his sweet face and how wonderful it felt when we were together. My boyfriend spends so much time talking about what HE wants. It's always I I I and me me me. I wonder if he's really capable of giving the way I need him to give.... the way I gave to him. NOt to mention that I think he's addicted to sex. That's all he ever thinks and talks about practically.
The other guy always gave, but he was always so materialistic and needed to have facy cars and toys to make him feel good. I made him feel good in our relationship, but the material world had, or has such a grip on him that it really turns me off. Now he says that everything he has means nothing since he doesn't have me. He said this just this morning as a matter of fact. I did appreciate the fact that he thought of me more often than not. He spent a lot of time doing things for me to try and make my life easier. But has he really seen the light? Or would it just be another case of the grass is always greener on the other side?
Maybe once he got me and felt comfortable again, he'd end up doing the same things as he use to. If my boyfriend at almost 50 isn't grown up yet, who knows how long it will take the other guy to grow up. I do have to admit that the other guy has far more communication skills than my boyfriend does, but still seems to have little control over what he chooses to do and what kind of person he is. He says he hates the person he is right now. To me it's just a matter of changing your mind and becoming the person he wants to be. For him it's like he has no choice. Very weird.
You're both right. I am young enough to make a fresh start, but the thought of being out in the dating world just turns my stomach. My ex husband got onto match.com right after we broke up, not even divorced yet. He became a complete pig. Nothing like the man I was married to for 18 years. He dated tons of women and slept with most of them. He met some huge breasted 29 year old, moved her in after a couple of weeks, then married her after only 2 months. I don't want that kind of life. I don't want to have to sift through a bunch of men like my boyfriend or the other guy in hopes that I'll find someone that is right for me.
I wish moving on was as easy done as said, but it's not. I'm terrified. I have no job skills, less than a 6th grade education, and the self-esteem of a nat. I must admit, I am brilliant at times, but my self-confidence is horribly low and my fears have a tight grip on me. They say "It's only when you've lost everything that you're able to do anything". That's if I have that right, but I feel paralized with fear and I don't know how to get over that.
I know, I'm going around in circles.... as uaual. Being stuck and in fear is the worst place to be in life.
Thanks again for your advice. It's greatly appreciated.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much for responding. I've felt so incredibly alone for the past 2 years. I was in an 18 year loveless marriage that finally ended in a very ugly way. Everything that I worked so hard for fell apart and left me only feeling empty and devastated. I met my boyfriend, fell in love, and felt things I had never felt before. I never knew that I was so capable of loving and giving myself so completely.
The thing is that I do love this other guy. I don't just see him for what he can give me. Believe me, my boyfriend has absolutely nothing and I was willing to spend the rest of my life with very little had he just been able to give as well as he took. Now he says he's ready to give and love me like I deserve, but at this point I don't feel like I have much left to give of myself.
The other guy is calling me telling me how much he misses and loves me, so I have both of them calling me constantly throughout the day and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I miss the other guy so much. I miss his sweet face and how wonderful it felt when we were together. My boyfriend spends so much time talking about what HE wants. It's always I I I and me me me. I wonder if he's really capable of giving the way I need him to give.... the way I gave to him. NOt to mention that I think he's addicted to sex. That's all he ever thinks and talks about practically.
The other guy always gave, but he was always so materialistic and needed to have facy cars and toys to make him feel good. I made him feel good in our relationship, but the material world had, or has such a grip on him that it really turns me off. Now he says that everything he has means nothing since he doesn't have me. He said this just this morning as a matter of fact. I did appreciate the fact that he thought of me more often than not. He spent a lot of time doing things for me to try and make my life easier. But has he really seen the light? Or would it just be another case of the grass is always greener on the other side?
Maybe once he got me and felt comfortable again, he'd end up doing the same things as he use to. If my boyfriend at almost 50 isn't grown up yet, who knows how long it will take the other guy to grow up. I do have to admit that the other guy has far more communication skills than my boyfriend does, but still seems to have little control over what he chooses to do and what kind of person he is. He says he hates the person he is right now. To me it's just a matter of changing your mind and becoming the person he wants to be. For him it's like he has no choice. Very weird.
You're both right. I am young enough to make a fresh start, but the thought of being out in the dating world just turns my stomach. My ex husband got onto match.com right after we broke up, not even divorced yet. He became a complete pig. Nothing like the man I was married to for 18 years. He dated tons of women and slept with most of them. He met some huge breasted 29 year old, moved her in after a couple of weeks, then married her after only 2 months. I don't want that kind of life. I don't want to have to sift through a bunch of men like my boyfriend or the other guy in hopes that I'll find someone that is right for me.
I wish moving on was as easy done as said, but it's not. I'm terrified. I have no job skills, less than a 6th grade education, and the self-esteem of a nat. I must admit, I am brilliant at times, but my self-confidence is horribly low and my fears have a tight grip on me. They say "It's only when you've lost everything that you're able to do anything". That's if I have that right, but I feel paralized with fear and I don't know how to get over that.
I know, I'm going around in circles.... as uaual. Being stuck and in fear is the worst place to be in life.
Thanks again for your advice. It's greatly appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, amelia +, writes (13 July 2006):
This is going to be really really hard for you babes, but I think NEITHER are right for you. You are young and you have plenty of time to meet someone else. Start again without either of them, you have experienced enough sadness and stress and need a fresh start. I was reading about the London bombings the other day and a lady who lost her limbs - all her life has been spent in sad painful relationships and that new start was a wake up call for her - that life is short, its giving her anther chance but this time she is going to be HAPPY. You deserve happiness too, what I am trying to say is dont rush into marriage - I have done that - with the wrong man incidentally and sadly regret it now. Please please dont make the same mistake. Take money out of the equation too -you are obviously bright and capable of looking after yourself - what you need is to get your power back, sure these guys both want you, but deep down YOU DONT WANT THEM - Why - because it's your god given right to be happy. It will hurt for a while, but believe me one day you will look back and know you made the right decision - good luck x love and light amelia
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (13 July 2006):
 You used the word "hate", that's a very strong feeling..... Anyway, maybe you would miss your boyfriend because he's a habit? Or because you've invested time and money into him and don't want to give him upp now? It seems the other guy is just someone you see can provide for you. And make up for what you lost. Don't be with someone just because he seems like a saviour, you'd be using him. You are torn between love and security. Which do you want to marry for? I agree with female anon, dump them both and get on with rebuilding your life. Find someone you can SHARE your life with. What's the point in spending your twilight years with someone you depend on or who depends on you? Where's the partnership there?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2006): I'm sorry, this may sound harsh. My advice would be ditch the pair of them. You are still young enough to find someone who really deserves you and it sounds like neither of these guys do. OK 1 has money, thats not the only thing that matters, the other, well my opinion is a leopard cannot change it's spots, once a cheater always a cheater. So go on start afresh and build yourself a brilliant new life! Good luck.
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