A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll get right into it. My story is a little convoluted and long, and I don't expect many agony aunts to manage it all.I'm 26 years old, and a very inexperienced dater (grew up in a Mormon denomination - I am now an atheist). Up until 2 months ago, I had a grand total of about 4 dates in my life, and some of them are a stretch to include in that number. I used to be intensely shy, and was bullied in school because I was an identical twin and came into my high school a year late, so kids had already formed their 'groups', and weren't about to accept a strange, weird ex-Mormon girl.Without trying to sound completely big headed, I am fairly attractive, somewhat fit and petite at 5'4". Since I left the sheltered-ness of the Mormon church, I've had to harden up against attention from many, many men. I started an online dating presence when I went to Uni, because I wanted closeness and connection, and my shyness wasn't as much of a barrier in online interaction. Very little came of this and the few in person dates I had during this time were surprisingly fruitless and I learned that I was very particular about personality. I also discovered that I had an aversion to physical closeness (long story but rooted in sexual abuse as a child). Years later, after sorting out some of my deep seated psychological issues, I once again got online, and after about half a year started chatting with a guy (pseudonym 'Seb'), 33, about 4 months ago. I was pretty interested (very similar interests and compatibility, funny and witty conversation, super my type in looks with really long hair and a beard - shhh, I have a Jesus complex ok??), but the replies were somewhat sporadic and the overall vibe I was getting was that it was a casual 'maybe' we'll meet up at some point, or maybe we'll just gradually stop talking. I never managed to build up that much investment despite being really interested. Two weeks or so into this mild communication, another guy messages me (pseudonym 'Lex'), 35, just over a year out of a long term relationship, who is a super high match, and the conversation is awesome. He mentions that he's surprised I replied to him, and we end up talking a lot. We meet up for a date, then a second, and a third, etc, each date lasting longer than the one before - and he eventually invited me to his place for a long weekend (Obviously this was going to be tricky considering the lock down, so my mum (also no longer a Mormon), being super kind, offered her glamping tent stocked with food for me when I returned so I could isolate when I got back 3). He cooked for me, we watched movies and anime, went on walks, talked and laughed, played with his cat, bunked in the living room and had amazing sex. We shared things, we were affectionate and kind to each other... he spoke about his horrendous car accident as a teen, and I told him of my abuse as a child. I couldn't believe how amazing this was (I still can't). He is also a special sort of good looking... the type that grew on me every time we saw each other. And yes he also has long hair and a beard. ¬_¬Not knowing the rules of dating however, and feeling very comfortable and safe, I did a terrible thing. On our last night together, he said he didn't want to see anyone else. Suddenly all of my comfort and ease snapped and I was scared. Here I was, at a 35 year old guys house, never having been in a relationship, never having had a successful date, sexually inexperienced.... I said to him quite abruptly (and absolutely foolishly and I'm still slapping myself for it) 'Ah, okay well I actually think I might still date other people'.What.He was so, so understanding about it, saying something along the lines of 'he wanted me to get more context and test the waters, since I was so inexperienced'. He seemed so cool about it, that I (again foolishly) thought that my f!*k up hadn't caused any serious damage. Well, surprise surprise, he barely speaks to me for weeks after, claiming he was busy. Before, he had made time for me whenever he could - he'd call me during work when he had a break, while he was cooking dinner. It was pure torture for me. I sobbed every other day, couldn't sleep sometimes. I so badly missed what we had before. I couldn't have physical comfort from my family because I was isolating in the tent (ridiculous I know). I was so, so alone. I think in a way, Lex started forgetting about me. I asked him one evening, in somewhat disguised desperation, if he was still interested in seeing me, and he admitted he wasn't nearly as invested as before. He even told me that he had casually met with another woman, who had given him 'intellectually stimulating conversation he hadn't had in a long time', and a few days later he added that he also had a date planned with a woman in his area. I think that night I sobbed the hardest in my life, and that's saying something. Oh my dear agony aunts... they say that life only gives you what you can handle, and that it's up to you to believe in yourself, but that night I felt no belief, no inner strength, no backbone. I became a body full of emotional pain and frustration, and tears. In my attempt at recovery, with the idea in my head that I had unwittingly and abruptly ended things with Lex, I got back into the dating scene pretty fast and rekindled my first interest with the other guy. He was absolutely thrilled and we had a date lined up the very next day. Looking back it was too fast. Much too fast... but he was really, really great, and made me feel a lot better, as he gave me a new interest and something to look forward to. On our second date we had wine in the park. It was a hot day and the wine got to our heads and we started a passionate discussion about philosophy and historical politics. Before I knew it, I was mid-sentence, and he kisses me, very, very sensually. From that point on, with wine in our systems and increased adrenaline, it was very sexually intense and a lot of silliness (in the best possible sense) ensued. We had some chips from the local pub, chatted and made out, chatted some more... made out more... I really liked him and we had pretty strong chemistry. As the date came to the end, he made it clear he wanted to see me again and perhaps have me visit for a few days.After several weeks of trying to push my other feelings out, and let new ones in, and after my new activities with Seb, my drastically dwindled hopes and communication with Lex suddenly changed for the better. He started messaging me again frequently, we had a heart to heart about our feelings, he mentions that when I told him I was going to date others, he felt betrayed and jealous. He told me he still wanted to see me and work slowly up to what we had before. I was elated, but also profoundly conflicted. I really did (honestly) like Seb, and I knew that if I dropped him I would feel a big loss. I suppose, in a way, you could say I didn't want to stop seeing Seb, but also, you could say I was desperate to get back on track with Lex.Now, up to the present day, I made a decision. I have told Seb that I am actually involved with someone else more seriously, and that I want to focus on that, and that I was sorry. Overall, I had much more contact time with Lex, and much more serious thoughts on future. Well, Seb has not let up since. I have had dozens of messages pleading with me, confused, hurt, asking how Lex is better than him, how he thought we had really connected (and we had, I don't deny it at all), and that seeing me in person was magical... I am at a loss, a complete loss as to what to do. I am hurting for Seb, truly hurting, and feeling a nasty loss. I suggested we could try to still communicate and get to know each other platonically, and at first he was ok with that and so was I (I value the person more than the possibility of a romantic relationship), but he has relapsed, and is sharing his pain of his previous break ups and how meeting someone who resonated with him was so rare... So here I am Agony Aunts, in agony. I am so utterly conflicted, that among more disturbing habits like picking out my eyebrows, I have resorted to listening to Disney music and eating drastic amounts of chocolate. I don't know who I should choose, and I don't know how to choose either. Both men I would miss dearly. It is all my fault. I should never have said what I did to Lex - but it did bring out a weakness in our relationship, and it meant that I met Seb, which oddly enough I don't regret.Please help me! I need someone else - an unbiased outsider - to make sense of this puzzle. Someone to help me know what to do.Thanks. A Nony Mouse.
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a break, atheist, bullied, jealous, petite, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): It's a rare glimpse into glamping that fascinates me and I see you are looking after yourself which is just as well!
You are not the only one to walk this pathway where you feel you totally screw up.
Instead of blaming yourself you could safely consider that you have a fear of comittment which is why you dropped your bombshell to Lex that you were interested in dating around.
Personally I think neither man will be your final partner because you have put yourself in a tricky situation.
Your emotions run freely and then you cut off.
You could ask yourself why... You could question if you are a narcissist ...or are you just muddled?
You realised belatedly how hurt your flame Lex was, because it sounded like the ultimate put down when everything was perfect in his opinion.
I think this problem goes far, far, back.
Back to the time when you felt isolated as a child by your religion.
Back as far as the conflicting emotions connected with abuse.
Now you are trying to be your own healer, which is fine, because it is difficult to get the help you need at this moment in time due to the pandemic.
When you finally get a chance you can read extensively about narcissistic behaviour and consider if you were dealt that kind of treatment as a child which would cause you to normalize it as you had no other template to consider.
You were not responsible for the abuse you suffered as a child, but again, people tend to normalize it as a survival instinct.
As for the Jesus type of man-look...let me warm you that not all men with the Jesus look actually behave in a good way..some are unbelievably vain because they know that it's a cultivated image that women like.
These kind of guys often feel they can have their pick of females.
It doesn't mean anything at all about their character if they grow their hair and a beard.
How a person acts and reacts speaks far more about their character.
So, as wise owl suggests you might as well stick with Lex as he has invested more time and energy into knowing you.
Seb, is just having his 'how-can-you-reject-my-Jesus-look' tantrum.
So stick with rejection to him so that you don't mess up his head up and let him move on.
You will be used to love-bombing if you were brought up in a narcissistic family but just try to fix yourself by taking care not to be swayed by this and look for consistency in a relationship.
If you have to let Lex go because you got off to a bad beginning (although it was technically perfect) then you will have to do so with grace, as a learning experience.
And just be aware that guys with Jesus length hair often go bald.
Goodness is found in many packages of appearance but you are free to choose who you are attracted to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): Im 26 too, I think you’re better off giving lex a chance it’s good he was distant with you when dating another girl it shows he was giving her her place and will do the same with you. I think you should be more exclusive with him and see where it goes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): If I were you, I would revisit in my mind the EXACT moment Lex said he wanted to be exclusive and you basically said 'no thanks'. Take yourself back to that second, relive it and find what it was that made you scared and made you step back. Because you're still doing it!
Lex has come back to you and suggested getting back to where you were before....and instead of flinging yourself at him and shouting, 'Thank God you've come back to me! I've been wanting you so badly all this time. Let's do it! Let's be exclusive!' you're saying, 'Um, I don't know, I've met this really great guy who I really like AS WELL. Can't choose between you actually. So, it seems I'm STILL interested in other men as well as you.'
You're about to be unfair to both of them. Imagine Lex, having heard from your own mouth that you wanted to date other people, that he now hears you're still struggling with the same thing. Look in my opinion, 'Lex' doesn't really do it for you otherwise you would be regretting your rejection of him previously and only too willing and happy to accept him now. But you're not, you're stuck on someone else. Who sounds great.
We can't choose for you and to be honest it doesn't sound to me as if you're ready to commit to just one person at the moment anyway and why should you be? Plenty of people don't tie themselves down to just one person until they're ready, so why should YOU?
You've missed out on dating it seems and maybe you just want to enjoy dating a few guys. That's what guys do. BUT if you do decide you want to be with 'Lex' then for goodness sake, let 'Seb' go, completely. Don't keep him and his broken heart in your wake because YOU want his friendship. You will break his hopeful heart as he watches you and 'Lex' from the sidelines. Don't be selfish. Be cruel to be kind. And also, if 'Lex' finds out that you are keeping 'Seb' around because you don't want to let him go, then you are showing 'Lex' that you haven't moved on at all from the person who didn't want to be exclusive with him, that you are keeping your options open. You can't keep an ex-lover in the background of a new relationship and expect anyone to be happy. Especially an ex lover who you were conflicted over leaving. How would you like it if 'Lex' kept on seeing a woman as a friend whom he had sex with while you were broken up and still really likes?
I honestly think that neither of these men are the one and I also think that you need more dating practice and experience before you settle down with anyone, but you know that better than me.
Good luck with your choice, just don't keep the other one in the background as a hanger on. You'll never have a successful relationship if you don't consider the feelings of the person you have chosen above the others....and your own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2020): Stick by your choice to be with Lex. You've already established something more serious; and the entire time you were with Seb, who were you thinking of? You seem to have a flair for drama, and you go into emotional-fits about things that even a teenager has the ability to overcome. It's better to establish and nurture true-love for one person; then spreading it thin tainted with selfishness between two people. It really means, you're appealing to your vanity rather than your heart. Placing two men in a situation your own jealousy wouldn't allow anyone to place you in!
Adult-life and survival requires sound decision-making, discernment, good-judgment, patience, and using commonsense. You review the facts, weigh the pros and cons, and you make a decision. Then you stick by it1
You have to learn to be confident in your decisions, and not let overthinking drag you back into indecision. That's childish, and you're toying with the feelings of other people. Seb doesn't even have a relationship with you; so all his pleading and carrying-on is just a part of human-nature. We don't like rejection, and our pride and ego doesn't like knowing we've lost-out to our competition. His male-pride is at stake; so yes, he will put-on a glorious fight to regain your favor. He's a man in his 30's, and if he isn't man enough and mature enough to get a grip; consider that a red-flag! It's one thing when you breakup with someone from an established-relationship; it's another when you've met someone a few times over the span of a few weeks, and you hardly know them!
Remember that you're all adults in this situation, not a bunch of teenagers. If his feelings are hurt, he'll get over them. If you can't make up your mind; then he should see your indecisiveness and immaturity as a flashing red-flag! You don't know yourself well enough to trust your own choices and decisions! Major red-flags! You're all only dating and uncommitted; and you're behaving like you're in a full-fledged relationship! All this drama makes no sense at all! Crying and sobbing and all that?!! Seriously, my dear?!!
You claim to be an atheist. Since you brought that up, I'll address that too! Most people lose their faith and fault God over painful things they've experienced. Usually involving "religious-people," or a big loss. Of course, God gets the blame! They'll consider everything that went wrong is His fault, if He didn't intervene. We don't tell our bosses what to do! In your right-mind, you wouldn't sass a police officer to their face! You'll even show due-respect, when you stand when a judge enters a courtroom. Yet God deserves no respect? He sent Jesus to die; so He wouldn't have to cast us all into hell like we all deserve! That's divine-patience, and love beyond human-comprehension! He loves Jesus more than us!
Jesus went to a cross for us; so taking a little suffering for His sake is a piece of cake. Just hope you never have to hang by nails in your hands and feet on a wooden-structure; after already being beaten bloody and senseless! Naked and in public! If anything doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger. God tests us for endurance, prepares us for promotion, and better things in life. He's our Heavenly Father; and excuse me, but seems He literally has all the right in the world! If the Almighty and sovereign Creator of the Universe doesn't do things according to our wimpy human-perception of right and wrong, and puny little earthbound-intellect; then deny His existence to His face. He has His own way of dealing with that. He has no problem with making decisions, and they are eternal! He's patient, pure, kind, merciful, and forgiving. He understands our weaknesses; and He even allows us to deny His existence. He can see into the future; and knows if you really mean it, or if it's just our rebellion born of pain and disappointment. The devil gets His rejects!
"Religion" is what steals people away from God. People and their self-righteousness; and their prideful-audacity to judge others; and pile a ton of rules on top of people that aren't even given in scripture. Holier-than-thou self-proclaimed do-gooders full of fire and brimstone. Mean and nasty as the devil himself!!! They create so many rules you can't possibly keep all of them! Then they pound people over the head with the Bible! Instead of offering love, compassion, forgiveness, and reverence to God; as He commands us. You might make it into heaven before me; so it's not up to me to condemn anyone for what they believe. Even in your disbelief, God's love for you is strong! His forgiveness knows no bounds. He will watch over and protect you; until you can someday see that what has taken-away your belief was the work of evil, and it was not His fault. He requires no defense from me, or anybody else. In the blink of His eye, all you see can disappear. You admit you have a Jesus-complex. You like bearded-men with long hair; because you still have a lingering kinship to and a love for the Lord. You want to see Him and His attributes in other people, especially in the man you want to fall in-love with. Sweetest thing I've ever heard coming from someone who claims to be an atheist! Jesus smiles!
I think you should continue your budding-romance with Lex. Learn how to tune-out the nagging-whispers of second-guessing and overthinking! You have to grow-up, and think like a woman. Don't let your sense of entitlement turn you into a kid in a candy store...wanting everything you see! You'll fiddle-about with both, until you have none! Seb will tire of bugging you. You should politely ask him to discontinue contact, and keep your ambiguous offer of "friendship" to yourself. You know that's not what he's looking for, and it's beneath his dignity to become somebody's second-choice and consolation-prize, if Lex doesn't work-out. Greediness and entitlement tells us we can "romantically" love two people at the same time, but can't give one up. That's a load of poppycock! Drama-queens, scumbags, and philanders use that excuse to justify breaking hearts and cheating on people. As long as you live and can see; you'll be tempted and may desire others apart from whom you're already with. That's a test of our loyalty, faithfulness, love, and trust. Where one too-many fail these days!
Make a grown-up choice, and stick to it. Kindly send Seb on his way. Trust me, in a matter of weeks he will find your replacement. Love needs time to ferment; but lust takes but a moment to flame and go out!
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